Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
It's been almost 2 years since my ex left me. I remember 2 years ago at this time begging her to try counseling, anything to try to make the marriage work so we wouldn't have to put our kids through all this. It was like talking to someone that had no soul or heart, all she would say was she wanted to find her inner happiness. At that time I only suspicioned that she was having an affair, I found out after she left that she had been, from all people my son. She left me the day before my birthday. I have often asked myself how after all those years together she could leave me on such a day.I've spent too much time trying to figure out what happened and why she cheated. I guess none of it really matters, nothing can be done about it now.I look back and see how unhappy I was in the marriage,I never really thought about it while we were together. I guess I spent so much time trying to please her and make her happy and hoping someday things would turn around that I never thought about my own happiness.
I have came along way from the babbling, confused and lost mess that I was 2 years ago. When my ex first left I couldn't imagine living without her and now I can't imagine living with her again and putting up with all that crap. I used to always blame myself for our marriage troubles but now that I've had time to look back on things it wasn't me that made her cheat and lie, that's all on her. I was never the perfect husband but who can be to someone that doesn't love them. I wish I were ready to date and totally move on but I truthfully don't know if I can trust someone enough to have a relationship. It just sucks for all of us that our ex's have put us in this position and we have to waste even more of our lives having to heal from what they put us through.
I have came along way from the babbling, confused and lost mess that I was 2 years ago. When my ex first left I couldn't imagine living without her and now I can't imagine living with her again and putting up with all that crap. I used to always blame myself for our marriage troubles but now that I've had time to look back on things it wasn't me that made her cheat and lie, that's all on her. I was never the perfect husband but who can be to someone that doesn't love them. I wish I were ready to date and totally move on but I truthfully don't know if I can trust someone enough to have a relationship. It just sucks for all of us that our ex's have put us in this position and we have to waste even more of our lives having to heal from what they put us through.
The trust issue is only natural. Go see your therapist and work on finding a new trust in yourself. It all begins with trusting ourselves.
Please don't see your life as wasted. Nothing in life is wasted. We may go through some tough times, and those tough times teach us to be strong, show us what we really want, what our morals are, our boundaries, and teach us to take care of ourselves so that we are able to offer others care and support, and in the end, a different kind of love.
love and hugs
kamary
The birth of my kids and joy on my husbands face will never fade.
It was devestating to lose my marriage, to be cheated and lied to. I remember clearly at the beginning when all i could do was breath.
But we do heal, we do move forward . I too am not ready to date, and have no desire to do so.
What I do wish I had was someone to help out every once and a while, run out of milk at midnight it would be nice to have someone else get it. 2ft of snow, ughhh that would be nice to have help. So I figure all of these little things where I think wouldn't it be nice if someone could paint the house with me, or go out to pick new furniture. I need to design a new garden and it would be nice to have someone to discuss all of this with
So for me I'm at the point where I can see that having someone to share life with would be nice, but am no where ready to put the effort into it and am scared to death of being hurt again
I do however have faith that I will be continue to be happy, and move forward into whatever my life holds
It's still early for you...2 years isn't all that long. I passed the 10-year mark in early August. 10 years ago this weekend is when I put him out of our home but I still held on to hope that something would click in his muddled brain and he would realize what a huge and expensive mistake he was making. Didn't happen.
Your trust has been shaken. Betrayal IS the hardest wound to heal, but if you remind yourself that she was only ONE person in a world of billions, it's less significant. Give yourself time. If you start to think about dating, remember to KEEP IT CASUAL. Get to know someone as a FRIEND first and don't force your feelings. I believe that true and lasting love must begin with friendship.
Hugs all around you, my friend.
xoxo
For starters to new relationships, unless you don't want to trust yourself, the new person proves themselves to be trustable. I'm with Cowgirl on the idea of the "sea of dating " provides you with better catches !!!!
Respectfully, I have to disagree with one thing. I don't think it's a waste of time having to heal from the pain and damage inflicted on us. Growth and wisdom isn't something that happens when people are blissfully happy. It comes from learning, healing, surviving hardships and challenges. We are becoming stronger and better people for it. However, it's a choice to move forward into the light.
I have friends that are still trapped in their cycles of having to be with someone to "complete" themselves, jumping into bed and relationships, seeing the passion die down and the anger and abuse flare up, running for their lives to find "happiness" in the arms of another...... it's awful.
Thank God for you and the others here. The sharing of our stories lets us know we're not alone, the new members remind some of why they were here in the first place, the members here longer keep encouraging and holding the torch high for us to follow.... and we're all on the path to a sounder, wiser, and hopefully better future.
That's not a waste of time or energy, it's not easy, but it's a blessing in the long run.
Now I can see I was just getting carried while I was so emotionally impaired. My world blew up and I would go to work as a zombie and he wonderfully gave me a job that I wasn't having to be ON so to speak. I'm looking back and seeing how he so cared for me. As the bible says a broken reed he will not break.
But in the third year he started to show me that although my life seemed like nothing but an obliterated wasteland of memories he knows me and my end.
I have been getting things happening to me that are nothing short of exciting and totally watching his hand at work in my life. I have had moments of late that I actually have to sit down and laugh cause there is no way I could of imagined much less watch things happening.
So yah it is an adventure. For real and believe it or not it's getting fun ! I could of never even imagined. But hey I never imagined being left after 32 years of marriage either so geez what do I know.
When you look back, you wonder how on earth you did it. But hey! We did it!!
I know it was because I leaned heavily on God and was forever asking for help and guidance. He must have got sick of me:)
Still doing it:)
love and hugs
kamary