Gaya, so sorry you have to be here, but you will find a lot of support. Many of us have experienced what you are going through. You will get through this, but just one day at a time. Time is the big healer and you will hear this many times on this site. Big hugs to you!!!

You get through it one day at a time...sometimes one moment at a time...one foot in front of the other.
Pray. Eat. Be good to yourself.
Exercise daily!
Keep a journal -- I filled 13 college ruled notebooks during my 18 Months of Hell..
Find a good therapist -- they will help you get through the emotional trauma of divorce.
Educate yourself on divorce laws in your state and then hire the best attorney you can afford.
And join Al-Anon (I think that's the name of the support group for families of alcoholics).
We're all here to help. We've all been where you are in one stage or another.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Welcome. It's always sad to meet another wounded, but you've come to the right spot. Twenty-one years is a long time for any relationship. I'm sorry that yours is ending this way. It sounds like your trying to make sense of this all. Going to therapy is a good thing. I hope it continues to be a positive choice for you. Anything that you can do to help along the way - invite. You'll get through this.

What mother isn't involved with her children? And, what is "too involved"? When you have children in your life - life as you've known it previously, will never exist again. Whether, these are his girls or children from another relationship, it doesn't matter. HE chose them too.
My H was a drinking man for most of his life. When our kids were young, they gave me less problems then my H did. He was like having an extra child to raise, only one with mental challenges. When I stayed home with the kids (prior to working), I'd wait for that time of day when I could talk to someone who was over three feet tall! He'd come home and a lot of the time drunk. Of course, then I wished I had those 3 foot people to talk to again! He'd be a blibbering idiot. With a father like this....how could I not be "involved" with my children? I spent most of my time protecting my kids from their fathers display of bad behavior! Had he been more in control of his drinking.....I would not have had to "make things" good for the kids all the time. So, you see, sometimes it's their own behavior that makes a mom tend to stay real close to her little chicks or big chicks. I can't help but feel, my children were more important to me then he was -
they actually were! I'm not ashamed at all for feeling this way - never was. I learned quickly, that his kids were no more important then I, when it came to drinking. He too, of course, could never figure that one out. Too bad for him, I say. He was jealous of EVERYTHING anyway - at least anything I did that didn't involve being all about him.

If you've "shared" your love and concern with your stbx AND your children in the years you've been
together - you've done a great job. The rest he'll have to deal with on his own. You don't give your kids up for anyone!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Take the road for a better life and forget about the past. Time and effort will put you in a much better place. "Everything of worth takes effort - EVERYTHING. Anything else is just a quick fix". Big Big Hugs.

To you all,

Thank you so much for the comforting words, advice and hugs. I was feeling so alone. I also was feeling guilty. I think I still do. I put up with his behavior and non-involvement for so many years. It got to be where I didn't want to go home. I'd pull up and see his car and I's have to steel myself to go inside. Never knowing what I was walking into, what pissed him off that day or even that moment. I covered up for him, making excuses, masking behavior. My daughters mean the world and my grandson is my heart. I told him if you want mwe to choose - you lose. He hung up and it's been very cold from that part of the world and I can't/won't compromise. Not on my children or his drinking. Thank you so much!!

Gaya, I was married 33 years to a man who drank 4 to 5 cases of beer a week. It was a toss up as to what was the most important thing in his life. His job or his beer. I learned early in our marriage that I was down near the bottom of his list of what was important to him.

He handled the drinking very well but would come home with a beer in his hand and drank til he was ready to eat supper. WE hated eating that late but I so wanted to have the family eat together. The air would be toxic with tension you could cut with a knife. We all walked on egg shells waiting for the explosion that never came.

I'm out now and life is getting good. I know for a fact that his many g/fs I found out about all complained about him drinking too much. Never feel bad about you caring for your children. Who else is to care for them when one of the parents is alcoholic?

I also am very new to this, but trust me one day at a time and...p.s. zoloft and xanax work wonders. whatever you need to get you through is what my doctor said.

It's my guess that your spouse may have taken on the Taker mind-set and is using alcohol as a control to punish you for his "staying" in a relationship he has given up technically speaking.

I often take the position that you cannot treat what you do not understand. Para-phased from Marriagebuilders: It says that the Taker is in charge or wants to be in charge. They are rude, demanding and inconsiderate. All they seem to think about is themselves, and what their spouses can do to make them happy. They expect their spouses to make sacrifices for them, because the Takers don't care how their spouses feel. The Taker's instinctive strategy is to make demands, show disrespect and have an angry outburst. Lack of empathy and alcohol becomes the core of the problem. Good luck.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

I am so sorry that you and your daughters are going through this. When in doubt, I found strength in knowing that my actions would set standards for my daughter to follow...and when I started to feel guilt for standing up for myself, I would remind myself how I would feel if it was my daughter going through what I was going through. Treat yourself with the respect that you deserve. In the end, this is about what you want and need and believe to be best for YOUR life. You truly do have choices to make. I wish you wisdom and courage to make them.

Wow! I cannot express my gratitude to those who post. It feels good to not feel so alone in this. My 'friends' are no longer my friends. Apparently this is contagious! LOL! One even had the nerve to ask if I minded if she calls him - yes she drinks as well. Only those who go thru this can understand. A divorce after a short time is very different. I was a child, 29, when I met him. And I didn't have any more children because he didn't want them. Tonight I went to meet my grand-nephew for the first time and my niece told me I should be a foster mother. Something else I didn't do because he didn't want to. I'm amazed at how much I was manipulated, I thought I was so smart! It seems that I wore rose-colored glasses for years and for the last few I exchanged them for blinders. Turning 50 - I took those off and threw them away and now I'm trying to clean up the mess I was walking around not seeing. Phew! Please comtinue to write!!

Just remember what you're "losing"--an emotionally distant alcoholic husband/father.

In my opinion, you're not losing much. At some point, when the pain subsides, you will see this too.

Remember that the problems were his, not yours. Being jealous of the children to me is so selfish and sick. He needs help.

I would recommend counseling and Al-Anon for you. It will be helpful.

Hugs!

You're lucky to be rid of him. My stbx wife was (is) an alcoholic and it is so corrosive. I went to al-anon to learn how to deal with her but it was to no avail. On top of the drinking were affairs (3), deception, hidden spending, and of courst the usual mean, cruel treatment at home. It hurts beyond imagination. While I wasn't suicidal in the beginning stages I realized why people contemplate it. The pain is so vast, so deep, and so unrelenting you wonder if you can get through the day. I was a zombie for weeks. But the pain does subside. Little by little you get better.
My advice (which took me a while to finally follow) is no contact with him. Zero. Only email and texts or snail mail. Its been almost 6 weeks since I've physically seen her. I've spoken to her a few times but I'm resolved to end that too (she called the last time-uck). It really does help. It allows you to push back the good memories and focus on what a A-hole they were. You need to focus on that now so you can get mad and heal. Eventually that will pass (or so I'm told-that's where I'm at now and it feels a WHOLE lot better. And am I catching Kathi's habit of capping words?) and you'll enter acceptance and then.....Freedom!!!

You can't change the past. You can only change how you deal with it. You can change the future. Try not to let your drunk stbx husband affect it now. This site isn't as active as Break ups and Divorce but its also completely devoted to help. The BU & D is very active but about a third of the posts are totally social and off topic. The ladies on this site have helped me immensely and they will help you too.
Prays and hugs from out west.

I agree with a lot of what the others posted. Your H's problems are beyond your control. Picture yourself standing inside a hula hoop. Any space inside of that hoop is what is in your control. Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault. My stbx is an alcoholic, when he moved out of the house my daily life didn't change at all. I did everything for everyone in the house. The only things that changed was a load or two less of laundry and less grocery items. Alcoholics have a way of doing their own thing and making it look like their career or other responsibilities are keeping them away from being involved with the family. They don't want to accept the truth.

I am an al anon and my group was a good group. They are all different since they are member driven. You may have to go to several before you find one that is right for you. Anyway the al anon way of life is learning how to cope with an alcoholic loved one. You should not be told what to do or how to change them. Members will share stories on what they did in similar situations sometimes. But al anon is a way of life through a 12 step program. It is for you....not for the alcoholic. I believe there is a al anon community somewhere on DS, but it doesn't take the place of a meeting. (((HUGS)))

Ok - here's a question - How do you stop missing the'good' part?

My husband was not an alcoholic. There were so many, many good times. Funny how he can't seem to recall any of them. I just try to block my thoughts. I found the following poem I think on this site, I have it hanging in my bathroom and read it every morning -- it helps:

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about
you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up
the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For
had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is
over. And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to
raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth
spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

You can't turn off feelings like a faucet gaya. Treasure the good memories as they are a part of you and your family. What has happened has happened good or bad for better or worse. Now you need to start a new life even though it wasn't what you planned. But you will get through this. Time heals