Disenfranchised Grief Community Group
This group is for those who have lost someone or something and it is not socially acceptable to grieve the loss. There are many examples: Loss of a home, loss of a job, loss of a favorite actor/actress/musician/artist/author/public figure who you didn't know personally, loss of a friend, loss of an ex-spouse, or loss of a child through adoption or abortion or...
Hi, I have suffered two losses that have been disenfranchised, two different circumstances but am finding it so hard well impossible really to grieve alone. The second loss people including myself probably think it was my own fault as my relationship was in secret (the man I fell in love with, the love of my life was married) so now my grieving is in secret too. I am not able to talk about my loss as I am ashamed that I got involved in a relationship with a married man and therefore have had no support. I only found out he had died some years after I had last seen him, we parted though it was never meant to have been the end just waiting for the right time when his children were older. I had searched for him for a long time and not found any information on him until 18 months ago I found a birthday memorial for him in his local paper online. It was such a shock but no one knew how much we were in love and how much we meant to each other. I was not able to go to the funeral and recieved no cards or flowers or condolences.
The other loss I suffered that was disenfranchised was the loss of my aunt who lived with us and was like a mum to me. She died when I was 15 of cancer but My brother and I were not told she had cancer and were not allowed to be with her in hospital or go to her funeral which was in her home country of Ireland so I had no way of getting there myself. Because she was only my aunt not my mum most people did not understand my loss and my friends had not experienced such a profound loss to be able to understand. I felt I had to be strong for my dad as he was so close to his sister and when at my mums I had to hide my grief as my mum hated my aunt. It was like I didn't exist in my aunts life. Again I recieved no cards, flowers or condolences. She died 21 years ago on the 6th march but I still havn't been able to grieve for her.
Thank you for listening and providing a place where I can talk about my loss. Big hugs. Baz
The other loss I suffered that was disenfranchised was the loss of my aunt who lived with us and was like a mum to me. She died when I was 15 of cancer but My brother and I were not told she had cancer and were not allowed to be with her in hospital or go to her funeral which was in her home country of Ireland so I had no way of getting there myself. Because she was only my aunt not my mum most people did not understand my loss and my friends had not experienced such a profound loss to be able to understand. I felt I had to be strong for my dad as he was so close to his sister and when at my mums I had to hide my grief as my mum hated my aunt. It was like I didn't exist in my aunts life. Again I recieved no cards, flowers or condolences. She died 21 years ago on the 6th march but I still havn't been able to grieve for her.
Thank you for listening and providing a place where I can talk about my loss. Big hugs. Baz
Disenfranchised grief is so difficult. It helps tremendously to have someone who understands or at least will sit with you while you go through the process and will be understanding about the many emotions, the memories and all that grieving entails. You're so brave for opening up about this. March 6th is my birthday, but don't worry, it's already been marred by tragedy. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your aunt in such a way and that this the time of the anniversary. And even more sorry that you lost someone else you love and had a delay in being informed.
Your grief is just as real as anyone else who loved both your aunt and the man you loved. Don't let anyone make you feel or tell you differently.
You've been going through this a lot longer than I have. But what I believe I know for sure at this point is that we each existed before this life and therefore it stands to reason that we continue on afterwards. So I know my lover is okay. I believe the Universe gives us what we need, which is not the same as what we want. So I continue t try to discover what meaning I am meant to find in our three marvelous years together.
Please try not to feel guilty over your relationship with your lover. Did your relationship harm anyone? It sounds like you put it aside in order to resume it later when it would be safe. I am so sad for you that that didn't happen. My sweetie and I never planned to leave our marriages for each other, but we thought we had a solid ten years, maybe more, to look forward to. C'est la vie.
The 1-year anniversary of my loss is coming up. Two anniversaries, actually: the last time we were together, March 26, and the day he died, April 19. I will do something privately to mark these days. Let us continue to be in each other's thoughts.
Epictry, sending you birthday hugs for the 6th. I am sorry you have suffered tragedy on your birthday. The 6th March was also the day that I started to go out with Steve.(the married man I loved who died) I try to think that I have a right to grieve to try and grieve but somehow cannot allow myself to grieve though I can feel pain in the loss its only private pain and somehow that isn't the same as grieving if that makes any sense. Grieving needs validation from others which I can't get.
SM419, Your right there are not many of us, I have searched the internet for some time trying to find others in a similar situation. I found one article a pyschologist had written about a lady who had had an affair with a man for a couple of years but they had parted and 8 years later she found out he had died. It was comforting to read in that the psychologist understood her pain and how it had led to depression and the affect it had on her. I would not wish anyone to suffer disenfranchised grief it is so cruel but it makes me feel a little less alone to know that someone else understands. There are sites for woman who have lost babies due to abortion or miscarriage or still birth which is often disenfranchised but have not found many people in my situation, maybe they do not feel able to talk about it even online.
I am so sorry your time together was not longer, anniversaries are hard and I think made even harder in disenfranchised grief as you cannot share them with anyone. I know you said you would do something privately to mark them but if you didn't mind I would like to light a candle for your lover on those dates so that you know you are not alone, it isn't the same as being able to share with someone who knew him but I know how lonely those days are. What was your lovers name? Please feel free to tell me about him and your relationship.
I am a christian now so do believe in life after death and after my aunt died (she was also a christian, I wasn't at that time) she took me to heaven in a wonderful dream, I was so disapointed to wake up from it and have peace about going back to such a beautiful place. I have wondered though on whether I will ever be with Steve again as I don't know if he will be with his wife but I guess when in heaven those things won't matter. I guess my relationship will have harmed others to some extent but I do not know if his family knew anything about me or whether they may have found out after he died when clearing his things. I am not in touch with them at all and have never met them. To find out how he had died I had to order his death certificate, he was 42 when he died of a stroke due to high blood pressure. I then had to phone the local crem to find out if he had been cremated and if there was a memorial. He had been cremated but no memorial there. So then I phoned the council responsible for the cemetry in his home town and found he had a memorial tree there. I have visited but had to be careful to avoid any meetings, it is three hours away though so not able to go often but have a memorial tree for him at my local cemetry as somewhere I can go and am able to leave things.
How have you both coped with disenfranchised grief? Sending you both very big hugs. Baz