Disenfranchised Grief Community Group
This group is for those who have lost someone or something and it is not socially acceptable to grieve the loss. There are many examples: Loss of a home, loss of a job, loss of a favorite actor/actress/musician/artist/author/public figure who you didn't know personally, loss of a friend, loss of an ex-spouse, or loss of a child through adoption or abortion or...
Driving home from a friend's birthday party, my ex-boyfriend was less than a mile from home. It was a little before midnight and he quit the night early to be home. I wasn't at the party though I had been invited. I had no idea he would be there, because he hadn't been hanging out with our mutual friends as much. I'd learn later that he'd been tired when he left from celebrating Valentine's Day with his fiance (she and I don't get along, he cheated on me with her and that ended our friendship).
It was dark. He drove off the road into a ditch, the SUV flipped end over end several times, and he was thrown from the vehicle. I don't know whether he died instantly or not, but his body and the truck were not found until morning. The man who lived across the street from the pasture said he heard the crash, but it was dark and he could see nothing on the road so he assumed the vehicle had hit the ditch, backed out and left the scene.
I found out the next day via Facebook. He and I had split up almost 2 years prior to his death, but we hadn't been able to remain friends. I found out he'd cheated on me after we broke up with the girl who was his fiance when he died. She and I had it out and we avoided each other. I understood that they were now together and remaining friends with him would be impossible to do since she hated me for calling them out on cheating, etc. It was hard enough losing the friendship with her and others over this and losing contact with him. I hated to admit it, but they took really good care of each other and were actually better for each other than he and I could have been.
He was my first and I haven't "been with" anyone since. I've dated and started a relationship, but nothing as close as what we had. We dated for almost 2 years, lived together for a bit, and as sad as it is and unnaceptable for a woman to do - I helped him out of the metaphorical hole he was in. I helped him get a job, I helped him get a license, and I helped him move out of his dad's house finally. Basically, I did a lot of the hard work for his new lady. She just built on that. When he died he was actually considering marriage (to her), had 2 jobs, worked really hard, and was living with her paying bills, eating right, exercising, stopped smoking, stopped drinking heavily, and was in general well on his way.
This hurts so bad. I don't live near any of his family and friends anymore. I moved to go back to school and get my RN and BSN. It's hard to explain it to my friends back home without sounding like a total idiot. We were exes, we had our share of problems and I said so many times what a jerk and how I hated him or didn't care or just something stupid because it had ended and that's what exes do. I regret so much that I never got to tell him how great he was one last time. I just have so many regrets.
At the memorial service (he'd been cremated) his fiance was really nice. We hugged and didn't say much to each other, but it wasn't a hateful glaring war either. I sent her condolences the day I heard he'd died. I think that helped. Her best friend was still a bitch to me and didn't speak to me. My ex best friend who took her side in the whole drama of ending friendships two years before barely did either. I felt like an outsider around his family even though I'd shared two years of this guy's life. I just wanted to hug his dad who I really cared about and respected tremendously. Hell, when his dad had pacemaker surgery I'd taken the day off work to be there with my ex and his brother (we were still together at the time).
He was a talented musician and he'd never been dealt the best hand in life. From the start it was fighting tooth and nail to keep what he had.
I thought I'd cry at the memorial and get over it, write in my journal some, and time would heal the wounds. It's been two months and I think I'm worse off. My grades aren't the best at this point. I'm tired everyday. My neck and back hurt from morning to night, I wake up in pain. It's hard to think. It's hard to remember what I need to get done. I just want to cry and give up most of the time.
And the people I thought I could depend on in this "christian group" on campus - they're just brats. They don't understand loss and because of that they get tired of listening to me say that it hurts or I'm sad about it.
Writing this has been difficult. The entire time I've been typing all I can think is how STUPID this all is and how I should be over it and not such a cry baby.
It was dark. He drove off the road into a ditch, the SUV flipped end over end several times, and he was thrown from the vehicle. I don't know whether he died instantly or not, but his body and the truck were not found until morning. The man who lived across the street from the pasture said he heard the crash, but it was dark and he could see nothing on the road so he assumed the vehicle had hit the ditch, backed out and left the scene.
I found out the next day via Facebook. He and I had split up almost 2 years prior to his death, but we hadn't been able to remain friends. I found out he'd cheated on me after we broke up with the girl who was his fiance when he died. She and I had it out and we avoided each other. I understood that they were now together and remaining friends with him would be impossible to do since she hated me for calling them out on cheating, etc. It was hard enough losing the friendship with her and others over this and losing contact with him. I hated to admit it, but they took really good care of each other and were actually better for each other than he and I could have been.
He was my first and I haven't "been with" anyone since. I've dated and started a relationship, but nothing as close as what we had. We dated for almost 2 years, lived together for a bit, and as sad as it is and unnaceptable for a woman to do - I helped him out of the metaphorical hole he was in. I helped him get a job, I helped him get a license, and I helped him move out of his dad's house finally. Basically, I did a lot of the hard work for his new lady. She just built on that. When he died he was actually considering marriage (to her), had 2 jobs, worked really hard, and was living with her paying bills, eating right, exercising, stopped smoking, stopped drinking heavily, and was in general well on his way.
This hurts so bad. I don't live near any of his family and friends anymore. I moved to go back to school and get my RN and BSN. It's hard to explain it to my friends back home without sounding like a total idiot. We were exes, we had our share of problems and I said so many times what a jerk and how I hated him or didn't care or just something stupid because it had ended and that's what exes do. I regret so much that I never got to tell him how great he was one last time. I just have so many regrets.
At the memorial service (he'd been cremated) his fiance was really nice. We hugged and didn't say much to each other, but it wasn't a hateful glaring war either. I sent her condolences the day I heard he'd died. I think that helped. Her best friend was still a bitch to me and didn't speak to me. My ex best friend who took her side in the whole drama of ending friendships two years before barely did either. I felt like an outsider around his family even though I'd shared two years of this guy's life. I just wanted to hug his dad who I really cared about and respected tremendously. Hell, when his dad had pacemaker surgery I'd taken the day off work to be there with my ex and his brother (we were still together at the time).
He was a talented musician and he'd never been dealt the best hand in life. From the start it was fighting tooth and nail to keep what he had.
I thought I'd cry at the memorial and get over it, write in my journal some, and time would heal the wounds. It's been two months and I think I'm worse off. My grades aren't the best at this point. I'm tired everyday. My neck and back hurt from morning to night, I wake up in pain. It's hard to think. It's hard to remember what I need to get done. I just want to cry and give up most of the time.
And the people I thought I could depend on in this "christian group" on campus - they're just brats. They don't understand loss and because of that they get tired of listening to me say that it hurts or I'm sad about it.
Writing this has been difficult. The entire time I've been typing all I can think is how STUPID this all is and how I should be over it and not such a cry baby.
Well done re your grades, yes I have had that feeling of just wanting to drive and keep going, that song "I drove all night" kept coming to me. I know I have isolated myself from many family and friends because it is too painful to be with them when they don't understand its safer to be by myself, A log cabin in th emiddle of nowhwere is tempting.
The profound grief you feel is because you loved him so much and though relationships change and sometimes end there is always a strong connection and bond if you loved someone so much. I do think that first loves can bring with them even more of a bond and connection. Steve was my first and only love. The grief you feel is most definetly not stupid. My heart goes out to you with the feelings of regret, I have so much regret too, it is a hard thing to deal with. I regret so much that I didn't marry Steve when I had the chance. At the time there were so many reasons that seemed good but I followed my head and not my heart and now I long to be able to go back and follow my heart.
Sending you very big hugs. Baz