Part of the development process is for them to make mistakes and learn from them.

Look up Erickson's hiarchy of needs.

I'm dealing with the same issues, so I'll keep an eye on this post. Thanks Supportplease. Barb-Detroit

PS How old are your kids?

At this age, it is our responsibility to guide them support, especially in the areas that are important. It is the smaller things we have to let go of. An example is, if we are trying to teach our children responsibility in remembering their things for school the next day. We can teach them what to do to help them remember. If they forget something, we dont run it over to them. I set a guideline here that after second grade, I no longer took things to them that they forgot. They quickly learned to be more organized and rarely forget things now. However, if my child was 7 and wanted to walk alone to a friends house four blocks away, I did not allow it. There is just too much danger in them walking alone that distance.

So, it depends on what you are talking about. My children are much older now so the rules change. They have more important decisions they have to make in their lives and I try very hard to step back and allow them to make those decisions without too much interferance. However, if I see that it could seriously harm them, I advise them strongly against it. I hold them accountable for their actions in our home. We have rules they have to abide by and if those rules are broken, they have to suffer the consequences.

I think the most important thing you can teach your children is that their our consequences for their actions. We have to stand by the things we tell them otherwise they wont take us seriously. I found it extremely helpful to take parenting classes with my husband when our children were very young. By doing it together we learned how important it was to work together so the children would not play us one against the other. Parenting is just not easy and never will be.

I meant to say.......I think the most important thing you can teach your children is that there ARE consequences for their actions.

Correction, I meant to say Erickson's developmental stages. I was mixing Erickson and Freud. Freud coined hiarchy of needs. We dealt with this with our son, when it comes to trying to protect him from everything.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosocial_development

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml

http://www.learningplaceonline.com/stages/organize/Erikson.htm

http://psychology.about.com/library/bl_psychosocial_summary.htm

There are more sites but this should get you started nicely. XXX

Because of all the problems in my marriage, my kids, 8 and 10, are taking full advantage of it. How do they learn that. It's so hurtful I could cry. Barb-Detroit

Very good reading AnjiQ. This is much of what we had learned in parenting classes which also gave us age specific direction for each of our children. It gets a little easier with each child to see the "natural" flow of maturity for each child and how to guide them through each stage without taking from them the independence required. It isnt easy because as parents, we want to "control" their actions and decisions because we have already lived their experiences. However, we forget that by living their experiences for them we take away their ability to learn through the experience and therefore develope those skills necessary.

Sometimes it is more painful for us to watch them learn than it is for them to actually learn. The natural progression of emotions for both us and our child is limited if we "take over" for them. The important thing to remember is that even if we do everything right, it does not mean at some point in our childs life they wont "slip". They still have free will to choose based on their instincts which are not always fault proof. We can only do our very best and as we let go we have to accept that they will make mistakes that are not our fault.

Barb, I think it is human instinct to "see opportunity" or "manifest pain" in other ways. They are suffering too in watching you both suffer. Children act out a little differently than adults do especially when they dont have the same control we do in a situation. Usually, how we react to them or in a situation fuels their reaction and behavior. You will have to make it clear what the boundaries are for them and the consequences if the boundaries are not kept. Even with your emotional state shakey, it is important to hold fast where they are concerned. They should still have age appropriate responsibilities and be expected to behave a certain way. I know it is very difficult for you right now and it is hard to see past your pain but dont allow their taking advantage to make that worse.

Sweetie, I am praying for you and thinking about you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Hugs

Thank you Shelly. I am feeling strong and motivated to get things completed. I have packed most of my things and will proceed soon with the divorce...I believe it's going to happen. We both don't see eye to eye with each other but are on the same page w/concern to the girls. They do have responsibilities and do very well in school, it's just their mouths. LOL that really is enough though. Thanks again, as I will take your advice and run with it. Barb-Detroit