I cant truly know your situation not living in it. I can only speak from my own. When I was younger it seemed everyone around me was much like you describe. I am sure part of that was true, but the other part of it was my own attitude about life and the people around me but most importantly, was my attitude about myself and my self esteem.

I tend to avoid very negative people and move toward people who are positive and loving now. In my life now I dont know many mean, negative, hateful, or uncaring people. Most of my in laws are laid back and caring, all my friends are laid back and caring and my husband is definately the same. Most of the negative people I come across are here on DS and I am assuming it is because they are struggling or not well themselves.

I cant answer why for you support, I can only say that it is up to you to decide who you want to surround yourself with and who you want to allow into your personal space. You can mentally block these people by not "expecting" something from them that they are not capable of giving. If they are toxic to you than you need to move away from spending too much time with them or "accept" that you cannot change them.

In brief instances like with my kids, if they are being negative or defiant, I say to them, "this is how I want to be treated and if you cant abide, then I will not stay in the same space with you." I dont hang on and allow their attitude to bring me down. My happiness is NOT based on what THEY do or dont do. It is based on what I "seek" for myself and fill myself with. Otherwise, eventually, those attitudes of others will stifle what and who I am and make me bitter. I refuse to do that. I am a happy and worthy person and I will share it with everyone. I WILL NOT take into myself that which they choose to spew if they are not happy.

Only we can choose sweetie, we cannot change the world. I suspect there is more to it for you than that from what I have read in your threads and posts. It would help you a great deal to see a very good therapist who can help you work through the things you need to. My therapist has helped me change my life. I have been going to one since I was 18 years old and I am now 52 and still going. It is very much like having a life coach for me. Each stage of my life changes things especially with having four kids. Their issues shake me and there are times I need another persons perspective to help me get through it.

I hope you can come to some solutions ...........Hugs

I have been through what you are experienceing. My "friends" and "family" are no longer. I have 3 close girlfriends and a handful of friends here on DS. I have a wonderful mother in law but my mom has disowned me.

People are ugly and bring their unhappiness onto us for lack of knowledge and the inability to love themselves. Remember this. It's important for you to follow through with your thoughts of happiness and progress.

My kids and husband do the same thing to me. I defend my children at school and in front of others. They know me...that I won't take any shit from others. Been there and have done that. It's a terrible place to be physically and mentally.

The old adage of not being able to choose our family but only our friends is true. BUT...you don't have to listen or put up with their negative comments and vibes. Keep your distance from those who aim only to make you miserable. They are doing it only to boost themselves up.

We cannot change people as much as we'd like...but you can change yourself. Love and Prayers. Barb-Detroit

Unfortunately it is true of the world that most people are not as kind to others or "themselves" as they should be. The main reaon for this is that people let other people's bad attitude get to them when they were growing up and they continue to do so.

The key poin to understand is that you and only you can determine how you feel and other people can only get to you if you let them. You will feel so much calmer and happier in yourself when you realise that you do not need anybody else's approval for being who you are and feeling what you feel. Make a positive decision to form a mental barrier around yourself and do not allow others to effect your inner calm by their negative thinking.

Also you must look at yourself and take note of how many times you may take it out on others or yourself as a result of the attitude of others towards you. The journey towards true peace of mind starts with being totally honest with yourself.

OMG Simon you are so wise. I HAVE taken all the negativity from my parents in and allowed it to color my world black. I see people as nasty and miserable. I think I need to be reborn in a sense...I so want to believe that people are generally good and kind. Could it be that they are, and my attitude is jaded by my past? Maybe that's why I enjoy young innocent children and animals so much - they are so pure!

It is all a question of balance support. I read about the work of the psychologist Carl Jung in my process of self discovery and he talks about the fact that if we go too far in certain mental directions we create a mental opposite force which works in the other direction and makes us miserable.

The spectrum of selfishness towards selflessness is one of those examples. I used to think it was a good idea to put every body else before myself but I don't think like that any more because I realised that there was a part of me that thought that my self sacrificing made me better than anybody else.

I realised that what I should be aiming for was a position of equal consideration, I'm all right, you're all right was the term that they coined in Transactional Analysis. If it helps I will give a little visual image of this spectrum.


selfishness --------------------------------------- equal consideration ---------------------------------- selflessness


You should aim for the middle not the right side. You can still be just as loving, just as considerate (more actually) if you consider yourself as being on an equal footing to everybody else because you will then be meeting your own needs as well as those of others. The next time try to follow your self talk when it says, "the health of my husband and kids is more important than my own" and then notice the quieter but equally insistant voice answering yourself back saying "why should I always let myself be dumped on by others." I know this because I was there at one time.

Aim for the middle ground, be kind to yourself as well as others, have your say as well as letting others have theirs, This is my message to you.

It is all a question of balance support. I read about the work of the psychologist Carl Jung in my process of self discovery and he talks about the fact that if we go too far in certain mental directions we create a mental opposite force which works in the other direction and makes us miserable.

The spectrum of selfishness towards selflessness is one of those examples. I used to think it was a good idea to put every body else before myself but I don't think like that any more because I realised that there was a part of me that thought that my self sacrificing made me better than anybody else.

I realised that what I should be aiming for was a position of equal consideration, I'm all right, you're all right was the term that they coined in Transactional Analysis. If it helps I will give a little visual image of this spectrum.


selfishness ------------------------- equal consideration -------------------- selflessness


You should aim for the middle not the right side. You can still be just as loving, just as considerate (more actually) if you consider yourself as being on an equal footing to everybody else because you will then be meeting your own needs as well as those of others. The next time try to follow your self talk when it says, "the health of my husband and kids is more important than my own" and then notice the quieter but equally insistant voice answering yourself back saying "why should I always let myself be dumped on by others." I know this because I was there at one time.

Aim for the middle ground, be kind to yourself as well as others, have your say as well as letting others have theirs, This is my message to you.

PS - Hey I just realised that this is a very similar post to the one I made to your other topic "others control me" But I put it in a slightly different way and I like the spectrum I drew so I will leave the post I have just written and not delete it.

i agree that most people are mean.
but the main thing for me is to NOT care what they think of me!
my own "family" totally ignores who i am,,so i distanced myself from them & moved far away from them when i was only 22 years old.
i personally am rather reclusive as i've been deeply hurt by people.
i always say..i would rather come up against a pack of wild animals than a pack of random people.
and i mean that from my heart.

but i also know that WE CAN NOT CHANGE WHAT WE ARE WILLING TO TOLERATE.
yes, it can get lonely...but i MUST disengage myself from hurtful people for my own survival!

thanks for reading this..haven't been here for a while...but you guys are right on! :)

Moonstar I here what you say loud and clear.

In my case I finally realised that there are certain people who are toxic for me and these people are not bad people but they have a certain way of looking at the world that is damaging to my sensibility as someone who is very sensitive to the emotions of others.

The type of people who are toxic to me are:
1. People who think they are right all of the time
2. People who believe that everybody is driven by selfish motives
3. People who think that you owe them if they do you a favor
4. People who tend to make others responsible for their anger
5. People who are too perfectionistic
6. People who think they know better how others should lead their lives

Unfortunately I had people like this in my family when I grew up. As I said before they are not bad people but are people who often try to control the behavior of others either intentionally or otherwise.

In my case the answer was to free myself of the influence of these people which resulted in most cases in physically moving away from them.

Now I feel completely free and I feel much happier although many people may regard me as selfish for what I have done.

But I do not regard myself as selfish to want to be my true self and feel free to express my true feelings. This is my right.