This is my first post, so I'm not sure how to begin.
I'd like to be able to support others here, as well as share my own grief and this seems like a good site to do that. I know this will be far too long though so I'm sorry in advance. I just need to express the stuff I have been keeping inside. 

I hope everyone is doing okay in these unprecedented times. Grieving feels like a solo journey in the best of situations, but it's especially hard during Covid... no support groups in person for that reason etc...

I lost my Mom on September 2/2019. She was 83. My siblings and I all had a complicated relationship with her. She loved us, but closeness and affection were difficult emotions for her. She was the most negative person I've ever known and she could be really hard to be around. She rarely said I love you, but showed her feelings in other ways. Mom was a very damaged person. She and her siblings were sexually, physically and psychologically abused. This was in the late 40's/early 50's when social programs and support were virtually non-existent. 
She never got the help she needed and was a life-long sufferer of mental illness. That affected her parenting and I used to harbour a lot of anger toward her. I reconciled all of that in my late 30's though and we had a pretty decent relationship until her death.

For the last five years, I had been caring for her - not full-time, just a few times a week doing the shopping, taking her to her appointments, being a friend as well as a daughter. She got Macular Degeneration and lost most of her sight. It was devastating for her and she needed me a lot afterward. She also had an auto-immune disease which affected her liver. In August 2019, she got an infection in her bladder which she never recovered from. Her liver failed and that was ultimately the cause of her death. Before that, we had her in our home where I was trying to care for her myself. It was an awful time for her and for me. She was so unwell and I tried my best, but she needed to be in a hospital. I keep having flashbacks from that and it's hard.

I want to say that I am grateful for the way she died though - in that she went in her sleep. I used to pray that when it was her time, I hoped it would be in her sleep. Mom had an anxiety disorder and if she knew she was dying she would not have coped well. The thought of her being panicked and unable to deal with things would have broken my heart. To this day we don't really know if she knew exactly what was happening to her. The liver failure affects the brain and she was pretty muddled up near the end. 

I did not see her pass away. My last visit with her in the hospital was a good one and I hold on to that. It was a Saturday. My sisters told me the following Sunday she slept the entire day and in the early hours of Monday, she died in her sleep. I got the phone call at around 4:00 am. We all went to the hospital but I wouldn't go in the room. I wanted to remember her as she was when I saw her last. 

I saw my brother just after he died (lung cancer) and the image I can't  get rid of, is him bald from the chemo - other than a few tufts on the top of his head and his mouth open. He reminded me of a baby bird. I didn't want to see my Mom in death. 

The first anniversary has past and I feel like I haven't grieved properly? Is that a thing? My one sister did nothing to help during our Mom's illness and was very difficult. She was there when she got a portion of my moms estate though, wasn't she? We are barely  speaking and it has affected me very negatively. I have been so angry with her that I really do feel like I can't grieve for my mom.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? 

I'm 54 now and all I think about is death and dying. Losing more people. My Dad, Mom and brother are gone. It's me and my two sisters now (from our original family)
I also have a husband and two grown kids, whom I love with all of my heart, so I'm wondering why I'm thinking such depressing thoughts? I should be grateful for what I have.
I think about all the people who lost loved ones to Covid-19 and many of those poor people died alone. The ones left behind never got to say a proper goodbye or hug their loved one. So I feel lucky that I had that with my mom. 
I just feel overwhelmed by sadness most days. Not a good time to be going through menopause either, lol.

Emotions everywhere.

Thank you for reading, if anyone has gotten this far, lol. It was a lot, I know.

Looking forward to healing together.