It is getting closer to the year mark, on December 8, 2015, my husband and I lost our baby, Max. After trying to get pregnant for over 3 years, we finally did with the help of fertility treatments. I developed an extreme case of pre-eclampsia and had an emergency c-section...Max didn't make it and my heart shattered. I still can't believe that was almost a year ago. So much has happened since then yet it feels like no time has passed and here I am still struggling to survive.
I realized on Saturday night that my friends are treating me differently. We were at a Halloween party and one of our friends told everyone at the party that she was pregnant, except me. Amd it struck me how alone I am in this. My initial feeling was anger because she has been married for 5 months and is 4 months pregnant, you can do the math. I have been married for 4 and a half years and still, no baby. But I am used to that feeling and it goes away quickly, being replaced with happiness for my friend. But then the hurt sets in. She was afraid to tell me because of Max. I realize death makes people uncomfortable and the death of a baby is practically taboo to talk about, but it still hurts and I'm still alone in this grief that I cannot seem to get a handle on.
First up, I am sorry for those of you suffering from primary infertility. I used to be one of you and every time a post on secondary infertility came up, I would avoid it like the plague as I thought " you already have a child...what MORE could you want"...well I was wrong. Secondary infertility is heartbreaking as well. I read somewhere that infertility is incurable....and it is. Just because...