Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
I've had a good run that last 3 years, not really...Mother would text and I didn't reply quick enough our in the manner she wanted I'd 'hear' about it either from a fiery text from her or my father wondering why he came home to a crazier lady then normal.
That all changed a month ago. My father needed a 6 way by-pass. 6 way? That's what he said. He's recovering, that's the good news.
I on the other hand, have made a deal with devil.
When I heard he had to go into surgery I knew there was no way I was getting on a plane and flying to be with my father during recovery because of HER. My deal with devil was this, I would pay for 5 weeks of a cleaning service and meals to be delivered (forgot to say how many weeks,mistake number 1) and when my father was recovered I would fly them to Seattle. Mind you my mother, who has never visit Seattle, hates it.
No good dead goes unpunished. Anyway.. The day of the surgery my mother finds it more necessary to call her sister to let her know dad is safe and have dinner before I text in desperation, he's been in surgery 6 hrs. Oh I forgot to text you. Oh how nice!
She's commented the cleaners come to often. The one week they came late, she never called to see where they were or if they were coming she just left to get her hair done.
The meals I shipped. Never knew if she liked them or how many they were eating to send the next box. It is the south and the congregation and neighbors will bring food and a lot of food. One week I thought I would be extra special to my dad and maybe sub-consciencly annoy my mother, but I sent Blue Apron. Its a food delivery service that send fresh food in portioned packets you cook at home. I think its cool. I'd been calling every night, and having a shot of whisky before each call, this night my mother is in a tizzy. She had to cook, not only that but she had to find 2 pans. She was pissed. Dad liked the food and that to me is all that mattered.
Friday was the breaking point. I called to see how his first full week of work went. He is distressed because his memory had been effected. My dad is the best at math I've ever seen and he messed up an estimate. He'll get better most people do, he just has to realize what he's been though. Anyway, during the conversation, geez can't even remember what got us to my comment "Well you moved there". I think it was about his doctors. Either way. I started to say "you could have moved to...." when my mother started SCREAMING, SCREAMING. My husband was coming down the stairs to the kitchen and he heard it. He ran down the rest of the stairs and stood there looking at me "what they $)**(#$ is going on". She was SCREAMING at me that they had not choice to move to Memphis and that I need to stop putting words in her mouth and I have no right to speak to here like that. Now isn't that ironic? I didn't know what happened and my fight response kicked in, the only thing I'm glad for is I didn't scream back. But in the most snarky voice " Who did I learn it from". By this point my father has his index finger to his lips and my husband is about to disconnect the FaceTime. We let her yell herself out and my father and I started talking like nothing happened. That poor man, but why doesn't he control her? After the call I sat down and wrote the most raw letter to my mother. It still sits in my iPad. Maybe I should post it here in my journal? or maybe it should never see the light of day. The vengeful side of my wants to post it to Facebook and hopes it goes viral. I'm better then that and I know it. Ive worked to hard to do that!
Its now Sunday. I did text him and say how upset I was but I didn't want to say more because of his heart.
I'm having nightmares. I woke up at 5 am this morning screaming. Yesterday I was determined to have a nice day with my husband, he saw that I was 'off'. He tired to make it an easy day. But I felt like I was going to be attached at any moment by any person. This morning, I should be at services, I'm to scared. These are the nicest people I know and I"m scared I'll be yelled at. My husband is an angel, he's helping me either talk or divert my attention.
My issue is this...I dont want my mother in my house. I've promised to fly them here in September. Anything I do to my mother affects my father. I want to see him, she will have to come along. Any suggestion on comping or dealing? My fathers heart is mending I can't weight him down with how badly I am feeling. Depression is strong after heart surgery, I don't want to dissappoint him. I don't know what to do. I don't want her here. She makes fun of Seattle and my life all the time. Put them in a hotel? put my house up for sale?
That all changed a month ago. My father needed a 6 way by-pass. 6 way? That's what he said. He's recovering, that's the good news.
I on the other hand, have made a deal with devil.
When I heard he had to go into surgery I knew there was no way I was getting on a plane and flying to be with my father during recovery because of HER. My deal with devil was this, I would pay for 5 weeks of a cleaning service and meals to be delivered (forgot to say how many weeks,mistake number 1) and when my father was recovered I would fly them to Seattle. Mind you my mother, who has never visit Seattle, hates it.
No good dead goes unpunished. Anyway.. The day of the surgery my mother finds it more necessary to call her sister to let her know dad is safe and have dinner before I text in desperation, he's been in surgery 6 hrs. Oh I forgot to text you. Oh how nice!
She's commented the cleaners come to often. The one week they came late, she never called to see where they were or if they were coming she just left to get her hair done.
The meals I shipped. Never knew if she liked them or how many they were eating to send the next box. It is the south and the congregation and neighbors will bring food and a lot of food. One week I thought I would be extra special to my dad and maybe sub-consciencly annoy my mother, but I sent Blue Apron. Its a food delivery service that send fresh food in portioned packets you cook at home. I think its cool. I'd been calling every night, and having a shot of whisky before each call, this night my mother is in a tizzy. She had to cook, not only that but she had to find 2 pans. She was pissed. Dad liked the food and that to me is all that mattered.
Friday was the breaking point. I called to see how his first full week of work went. He is distressed because his memory had been effected. My dad is the best at math I've ever seen and he messed up an estimate. He'll get better most people do, he just has to realize what he's been though. Anyway, during the conversation, geez can't even remember what got us to my comment "Well you moved there". I think it was about his doctors. Either way. I started to say "you could have moved to...." when my mother started SCREAMING, SCREAMING. My husband was coming down the stairs to the kitchen and he heard it. He ran down the rest of the stairs and stood there looking at me "what they $)**(#$ is going on". She was SCREAMING at me that they had not choice to move to Memphis and that I need to stop putting words in her mouth and I have no right to speak to here like that. Now isn't that ironic? I didn't know what happened and my fight response kicked in, the only thing I'm glad for is I didn't scream back. But in the most snarky voice " Who did I learn it from". By this point my father has his index finger to his lips and my husband is about to disconnect the FaceTime. We let her yell herself out and my father and I started talking like nothing happened. That poor man, but why doesn't he control her? After the call I sat down and wrote the most raw letter to my mother. It still sits in my iPad. Maybe I should post it here in my journal? or maybe it should never see the light of day. The vengeful side of my wants to post it to Facebook and hopes it goes viral. I'm better then that and I know it. Ive worked to hard to do that!
Its now Sunday. I did text him and say how upset I was but I didn't want to say more because of his heart.
I'm having nightmares. I woke up at 5 am this morning screaming. Yesterday I was determined to have a nice day with my husband, he saw that I was 'off'. He tired to make it an easy day. But I felt like I was going to be attached at any moment by any person. This morning, I should be at services, I'm to scared. These are the nicest people I know and I"m scared I'll be yelled at. My husband is an angel, he's helping me either talk or divert my attention.
My issue is this...I dont want my mother in my house. I've promised to fly them here in September. Anything I do to my mother affects my father. I want to see him, she will have to come along. Any suggestion on comping or dealing? My fathers heart is mending I can't weight him down with how badly I am feeling. Depression is strong after heart surgery, I don't want to dissappoint him. I don't know what to do. I don't want her here. She makes fun of Seattle and my life all the time. Put them in a hotel? put my house up for sale?
I am beginning to understand that because my father refused to deal with the conflict, I've had to deal with it. My mother always dumped on me about my Dad, because she also refused to deal with their impossible marriage.
For me, I think the solution is to detach from my parents. I don't want to expose myself to my narcissistic mother anymore and with my Dad, I do want to spend time but the issue remains: my parents have refused to look at their problems and ask of us to pretend all's okay.
I'm overwhelmed with the situation as it is and if my Dad got ill, I would be in a terrible dilemma because I'd have to go see him and my mother would for sure make sure to be there when I visit to put me down, as she has so often.
It's by far the toughest deal I've been given in life: these two people who are my parents. I still hope that the situation will resolve itself, and I know it will because change is constant.
I'd love to take care of my Dad, have his love, spend time with him, get mother away from him. The problem with this logic is that my Dad could easily make this happen, but for over 35 years he has ignored my plight and not done a thing about this awful marriage. He's never bothered to ask himself "how is this affecting my daughters because they're stuck with her, I can go and leave as I please?".
I haven't got a husband who supports me. I would really like to learn how to put the focus on my future. My biggest dream is to create a safe, secure haven for myself with people I love.
Lots of love
Seems my father is also refusing to deal with the conflict.
Yesterday I texted and said I was sorry for hurting my mother's feelings. His reply was something along the line of she is fine and they know I didn't mean what I said. Even though I was goofing around with my father.
In the next text message, I told him that I was very hurt by what she did to me. He's reply was basically "Be happy, mom didn't mean her comment".
My last text message to him I was very straight forward and told him calling what she did a comment was whitewashing the situation and from his comments to me I understand where I stand in the family and I will not get what I need and to make sure he's not over stressed I was dropping the topic.
This exchange was also a finalization for me. I had said that after his surgery I would pay for housekeeping and food delivery. I"'ve satisfied that part of my verbal deal. The last part, I was pay for them to come visit. From her last blow up I was very torn about doing that part of the verbal deal. Now, I'm not. Why would I fly her / them to a place she 'hates' to be with a daughter she treats like an emotional garbage dump.
My father has taken her side to keep the peace. Again, I have come in second. I've not spoken to him since June 26th, and it doesn't seem to bother him. He's fine with texting.
My mother's behavior, screaming and belittling me has been her standard, my father would make her apologize for her bad behavior, not anymore. Guess he's guilty by association.
This festering wound that will only heal if wrapped and tended with kindness. They have made their way, I've made mine and it looks the two roads are far apart and going in different directions.
My aunt has no contact with her daughter either. Wonder how my mother and her sister we're 'blessed' with such 'unloving' daughters. Maybe they should look inside. My cousin and I are thriving. My mother and her live in a dark place.
All the logic still can't take the pain away. Each time I deal with my mother my physical reaction gets worse and worse. The chest pains and now an odd headache. Think its blood pressure, don't really care, all I know is I don't have it when I'm not dealing with her. Cause and Effect.
Yesterday my father went back and forth about my mother screaming at me over the phone. The last text was mine saying that there is nothing behind my anger except her screaming at me after I did all I did for them. Figured I'd leave the ball is his court. He's gone radio silent.
Today, I just took a dose of Kava Kava, my chest hurts! (I've had a full work up I"m fine, its stress and anxiety hence the Kava)
Out to a business lunch, I always mute my phone, being respectful to the person I'm having lunch with. I get back into the office and turn the phone on - 4 text messages...from my mother. I looked at them quickly. It was not an apology. It was about me flying them out here and if I could do something for her. All I saw from that point was she didn't want to go out to eat because she's gained 10lbs. This from the women who will not cook her own food.
My father obviously hasn't said anything to her about my feelings. On top of that she obviously has no feeling about what she did to me and is still due a trip to a place she hates but heck its free to her. She was screaming at me about never coming to Seattle, she also yelled at me for sending Blue Apron and she had to cook for dad. Now she wants to come to Seattle (on my dime) and then she wants me to cook for them because she's gained weight and will gain more if we go out to dinner. OMG I'm her bank and her servant.
I was so tempted to text back and say "Guess you've not spoken to my father". I'm not bringing her or him out here without some kind of resolution to this. This is not being swept under the carpet. I have a very technical job and I need to concentrate on that but I cant because of this. Plus, i've told her before not to text during work.
I am so invisible to them except for money. I've worked hard, I never wanted to be poor like them and now they take advantage of my accomplishments. They will call me all kinds of names because I drive a BMW. But they dont bat an eyelash when I give them money, computers, Ipads etc. Great hear comes that headache - I really think its my blood pressure. Last night from my texting with dad I got home shaking! My body cannot take this. I didnt' sleep last night and now today. I"m sure someone has something to say about the universe or the like. Why should this women be proud of me, I've succeed despite her not because of her.
My boundary with my father is I only text or talk with him about his health. He tried to push the conversation the one time and I mentioned the boundary and he went right to the bible about forgiving 77 x's. His next comment was directly from the book. My reply was directly from the book and what the author said would happen, did. Wish my father would think about the bible's saying that children are precious gifts from God.
Can't say I'm doing a lot better, I feel that I'm just making it through each day instead of living each day.
Vacation is two weeks away!