Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
Hello, this is my first time really being part of a support group but I don't know where else to turn right now so I'm exploring all of my options. I'm 23, I just moved back into my parents house in August after graduating college. I moved out 2 years ago because the fighting between my mother and myself was becoming unbearable. It was turning into a weekly thing. My mother and I have never gotten along, we agree on almost nothing, she's very closed-minded and controlling, she's stubborn (as am I, so that doesn't make things easier), and she also has OCD. I was once told by a therapist I was seeing (I had been going secretly for months shortly after I turned 20 and paying out of my own pocket. When I could no longer afford it, I told my dad so he could help me pay. He kept it a secret until one night he and my mom were fighting and he tells her that "our daughter is in therapy because of you". To which she responded by coming to me and yelling at me, telling me that I don't need therapy, she's not that bad of a mother, therapists are quacks and don't know anything, they can't hlep me, etc.) that along with OCD she may also have borerline personality disorder and there's also a history of bi-polar disorder in her family. She refuses to get help or admit that anything is wrong with her. She claims my father and I are the ones with the problems. I got an internship in New Jersey the summer I turned 21. While I was away from home, I was also secretly planning to move into an apartment when I got back. I told my mom while I was still in Jersey, after I had already signed the lease. While I was gone, she and my father got into a fight. It started the same way all of our fights start. She jumps all over him for something petty and small and then escaltes it and the fight ends up lasting for days. Well long story short, this particular fight landed her a night in jail. Along with court-ordered therapy and a domestic violence class for women (she was beating my father. This had not been the first time she's done it, just the first time police had done anything about it). She and my dad were separated for pretty much the entire summer while I was away. My dad and my step-grandma told me everything that happened, but as far as my mother knows I know nothing. She called that summer to tell me that she had chosen to go into therapy to get help. And she apologized for the way she had treated me (which was the first time she's ever done that). Having to keep from my mother that I know everything that happened that summer has been a huge burden on me the last few years.
So I moved out, she wasn't happy about it. But she started to get a little better. Not being under the same roof together improved our relationship a little bit, plus the therapy seemed to be paying off. Then I went away for the summer again for another internship, came back home, stayed for a week or two, then moved into another apartment. Days after I came back my dad tells me that my mom's probation is almost over and that it may even end early because of the improvement that she's shown. He then tells me that she's been slipping back into her old ways and he hasn't told the therapist. So she ended up being released early. And it's been a steady decline ever since. We got into a fight as I was moving out of my apartment in August. She was telling me I had to get rid of all of my stuff, just kept complaining about how disgusting my apartment was and how we were all a bunch of pigs (for the record, it wasn't prestine by any means, but I've seen far filthier college apartments). So I told her, "do you have anything positive to say?". And all Hell broke loose. We fought for a day or two. Now we've gotten into one or two fights a month since I've been back. At one point it got so bad that I packed a backpack and kept it in my car the night before in case the fighting didn't stop by morning. It didn't. So I ran to my car when she was in the basement so she wouldn't hear me and try to stop me like she has before and I drove to my step-grandma's house, got ready for work, and carried on with my day. I was nervous all day at work because I was afraid she was going to come down to where I work and harass me like she has done in the past. Luckily she didn't. I now live in constant fear every day that at any moment I'm going to have to pack my bags and run again. And this is only a fraction of the issues I face in this house. If I'm in the basement and I hear footsteps upstairs that are heavier than usual I panic. When I hear voices being raised I panic. Whenever I hear one of my parents mention my name I panic. If I'm in my room and I hear footsteps coming toward my door I panic. If I'm at the house, we fight. If I'm away from the house for too long, we fight. I can not win. This house is not a home. It never has been and it never will. I am uncomfortable, I am scared, I am lost. I'm working my ass off to save enough money so I can move out and be on my own again. I'm working two jobs and picking up side work for extra money. All I have to look forward to is leaving this place. This week I plan on going to see my mothers therapist and telling him everything. I'm not sure that he can do anything to change it, but maybe I'll find comfort in it.
So please, if anyone out there has any advice or has been through this or something similar, I would love to hear from you.
You NEED to make yourself, your sanity,your health, and your safety a priority-ASAP!
Even though I'm sure you love(and are concerned for) your father you still NEED to make yourself your #1 priority. Your father has chosen his course in this life. He's the ONLY one who has the right, the power,the authority, the responsibility, and the duty to say " stop" and "enough". His journey is his journey and you need to let him walk it no matter how agonizing(and tough)it might be for you.
If you can't afford a therapist than use books(and workbooks); they have some great ones out there. There is one book about mothers who are unable to love by Susan Forward and a second one about narcissistic mothers that has the phrase 'narcissistic mothers' in the title. These are just two of the ones that helped me. Also, look for a support group in whatever area you decide to move to. This will give you extra support because you'll have both an online and a physical support group which you'll need(especially in the beginning). Some areas have these support groups some don't. If they don't have one specifically for daughters of abusive mothers than look for another one like a child abuse survivor support group.
I don't know whether you know this already or not so I'll tell you: your healing journey isn't just about healing it's, also, about grieving. You need to grieve both for yourself and your mother. You need to grieve for the little girl you once were, the woman you are now, and the woman that you are continuing to evolve into. You need to grieve for the mother type that you've always wanted;and that you've always believed and felt you deserved(and still deserve) and needed(and still need). You need to grieve for the expectations that you had(and still have) in regards to your mother that have never been fulfilled(and never will be fulfilled) and you need to grieve for the dreams that you had(and still have) in regards to your mother.
I started this process yr.s ago and now I'm able to be there for myself(and mother myself) to more of an extent today than ever before. I'm, also, able to detach better(emotionally and mentally) from my mother to more of an extent today than ever before. So it's definitely worth it, even though,(in the beginning) it was awkward, uncomfortable, and weird(especially weird!) because she was(and still is) alive. Doing this,reading what I've read, doing the work,and learning what I deserve,need, and want to learn has helped me to attain a certain level of peace,has helped me to detach and let go to more of an extent than ever before, has allowed me to have a more objective viewpoint than ever before, and it has helped me to grow,be more open, and to move forward in my own healing,and grieving, journey. Is that progress perfect? Hell no!;BUT(except for when I get burned out, can't afford something, and/or I've read(and done) all that the library has to offer(and they haven't gotten anything new yet))I NEVER quit trying! Even when all I've got are the tools I've already learned I don't quit!