Hi, yes I do understand. My mom was very emotionally abusive to me for most of my life, extremely unpredictable, one minute being nice and the next, I am the worst daughter in the world. We chose not to have kids due to lack of family support. I was closer to my dad, but when he passed, I was no longer able to sustain a relationship with my mom. She never once supported me in my grief over my dad passing. I wasn't allowed to feel or express anything, only she could, because in her mind she was the only one suffering. There was no mutual support or nurturing, and when my friends offered to come by and bring food, she accused me of trying to get attention! I could go on and on with a lifetime of this type of behavior and when I was younger there was also physical abuse, but the ultimate result was I stopped communicating with her as it was and is unhealthy for me. My family doesn't understand and none of them have ever been there for me either. I don't know if I will go to her funeral or not but dread the day I have to decide. I am so sad that I never had a normal relationship and envy my friends that are close to their moms, whose moms taught them all the things a girl should know and were there for them, when all my mom did was tear me down. I believe that's why I struggle so much with confidence and being able to be vulnerable and express myself. I hold everything back as it was never safe to express any emotion with her. I have not really regretted my choice to cut ties, but I am sad that I had to do it. I am also 46, so we are in the same boat, you are not alone!

Hi poohbear,

Thank you for responding and sharing your story. I felt like I was talking when you wrote your response because that is EXACTLY my story too unfortunately.
Yesterday I felt suicidal and today i have a brighter outlook on life. I haven’t cut her out of my life but have been thinking about it since yesterday. If she just died then I wouldn’t habe to make that decision but im not sure how much longer she will
Live and not sure God wants her anytime soon so I may have to deal with her for a while so i am torn about what to do.
I too would be dreading that day to make that decision bcos whatever you do...you have to live to live with that choice.
I dont know if you have any siblings...but i have a younger brother. She LOVES him and has never spoken to him the way she does to me. I am a teacher and he is a pharmacist so I can’t help but wonder if she would have been more loving and respectful to me Had I gone into the same career/field as him.

I haven’t spoken to him in three years either but just recently started to speak to him because my mom was turning 70. I started with Text and then we planned her birthday together didn’t do anything spectacular and just had dinner but I stayed at his house for the weekend she behaved well at their house and always behaves well at their house she treats my brothers wife like her own daughter...the daughter that I “never was”. If she treated my sister-in-law the same way as me I’m pretty sure my sister-in-law wouldn’t tolerate her and would probably convince my brother not to let her come to her house. None of my mom sisters would believe me if I told them how she is tormented me and my childhood and still talks to me nasty in my adulthood I’ve never been good enough for her and I can’t go to her for any emotional support he just tells me to stop crying or shut up or she tells me “oh my God stop it”!!!Whenever I’m expecting emotional support and she doesn’t deliver I am equally as depressed disappointed each time and yes some days I think I’m stupid for even expecting her to give me that support when she never has. My self-esteem has been affected and well into my adulthood I’m going to be 47 this June but I still I’m affected by all of this I just want to move past it and I know I’m a strong person because I’m still here and haven’t given into my bad thoughts that I’ve had over the years but I don’t know how to take control of my life and my importantly I don’t know how to cut her out of my life completely. As recently as a year ago I set some ground rules and told her that I want to give our relationship one last shot she didn’t admit to anything she didn’t admit to the way she’s treated me in my childhood and she has an admit to anything else but I told her that if she started to treat me with love and respect that we would still have a chance and some type of relationship I was very firm about this and she agreed but didn’t admit to anything and told me that I should not get on her nerves and make her angry because the only reason she gets angry is because I make her angry!!!!!
I realize that she’s a sick individual and she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but I’m pretty sure that she has a mental illness.
Now that Im talking to my brother again, she wants to go on vacation together...all of us but the weeks don’t match up so she was angry at my teaching schedule being different than it is up north where they live!!! What the €£¥*%#!!!!!

I am sick and tired of her and I know I should cut her off but I still think it’s important for my son to know his grandmother. They live 8 hr dribe away so she isn’t in my face but phone calls from her are also hard bcos she gets angry and my body goes through a stressful time during and WELL after the conversation!!!

I am trying to build my life up and don’t want to simmer
In my childhood but I realize that every time she gets upset with me it drudges up soe or all of those trauma memories, even ones when she physically scratched me ns pulled my hair. I just want to be normal and fit into society so I don’t tell everyone how i feel or all of this but recently I habe told a few girls from y spiritual group and I don’t think they judge mein a bd way but i sure they just dont know what to dsay to me. Tht can be a weird thing too.

Im just glad i googled “ daughters with abusive mothers” Because this group came up and I joined and I found you!!!

Ironic and sad that we are in our mid-forties and still suffering from the abuse. How do we heal..I mean really real?
What is God’s plan for daughters that have been abused this way?
Hiw do we use our backgrounds to doing something good in the world. And most important question who am I and how do I build myself up so thst I don’t get knocked down again by my “mother”?

Thanks for listening

Hi! I think that lack of nurturing and relationships with our moms will follow us all our lives, and the abuse is just another layer to that! Good question as to how we can do something good with this background! I really try to keep a positive outlook and there are many that are amazed I have the attitude and ability I have with a mom like I had. One of my mom's favorite things to do was give me the silent treatment if she was angry, and not ever communicate why - it could go on for days, weeks, or months where I was not acknowledged until she either got over it or I somehow figured out what caused her to be angry at me and apologized, and this too is a form of abuse. It is hard to talk to people about it because those who have not been through it don't understand, and they feel sorry for you, and I really don't want or need people to feel sorry for me. I really don't talk about it much anymore, I just say I don't have a relationship with my mom and leave it at that. I don't have any brothers or sisters either - my older half sisters from my mom's previous marriage also left and became estranged from her and our family when I was 12. My mom has a good way of putting on a show for the rest of the family, so that I am the bad daughter for leaving her, so I understand that too. I am curious - why do you think she needs to be a part of your son's life? Has she shown she loves him and is interested in him? Do you think she could be there for him and influence him in any healthy way? If not, and all it causes is angst for you, I don't see that as being a reason to keep her in your life. I am not necessarily advocating to cut her out I think that is a very personal decision and is not meant for everyone, but just to think about the reasons you are keeping her in when it causes so much stress - and I am sure your son sees that as well. My mom never apologized for anything she did. Never acknowledged it. I received a vague apology for "whatever I did" from her. I knew I would never be able to explain it to her as she did not see it. Years ago when my dad was still alive she gave me the silent treatment for something, and I decided enough was enough so I returned the silent treatment but still talked to my dad. When my dad had his first heart attack she called me and I was there for them, and we talked. Essentially she said it was not fair for me to hurt my dad that way and that me cutting her off hurt my dad - still no acknowledgement of why that had happened! She cannot be reasoned with, and has no ability to look at herself and her actions - and yes I do think there is a level of mental illness there with my mom as well. However, why keep hurting myself and why keep trying when there is no chance of ever really having a true relationship? The energy I spend on it is energy I could use for good in other areas. We so desperately want acceptance from our moms that we give and give and give without return. It's not the way it is meant to be! It's nice to have someone to chat with about this. Truly heal, I don't know to be honest. There will always be a part of me that longs for a mom and family and I have not really been able to fill that void. I will not give up though!

Wow Poohbear!!!
When you mentioned the silent treatment...you once again were talking about MY
Childhood!!! Unfortunately it was a reality in your childhood also.
She gave my dad the silent treatment also and always spoke to him in a. Condescending way. However, my dad has always been tough and almost like he has a shield around him. I don’t remember if he was always like this but my earliest memories of him are the same I believe he has always been this non-caring tough person that doesn’t really seem to be bothered by her treatment of him. I view my dad as an unemotional person which helps him a lot and help him deal with her.
he’s also a very positive person ( in general) she has never been able to influence or pierce this part of his personality I believe it’s ingrained in and his personality which is a good thing and probably the reason why God paired him up with her. I’m sure if she were married to anyone else they would’ve left her but there must be a reason why my dad was chosen to marry her and to stay with her .
He lets her rule him he’s also afraid of her so he doesn’t speak up against her. Actually the way I see it what she says to him when she attacks him doesn’t even bother him at least it seems to me like it’s never bothered him.
I on the other hand,
Am a very emotional person.
When she snaps at me or said anything negative to me or talks to me it goes straight to my heart and I have actually Had physical pain or an emptiness if you will . My gut & my other body systems would be thrown off...I would become ill and i’m sure it is because she affects me to the core of my being.
They say that people that haven’t been to have abusive parents have low immune system’s,
get sick very often, tend to get more depressed and tend to have trouble making long lasting relationships. Had physical pain or an emptiness if you well in my gut my body systems would be thrown off I would become ill and they say that people that haven’t been to have abusive parents have low immune system‘s get sick very often tend to get more depressed and tend to have trouble making long lasting relationships This has been ALL true for me.

You Bring up a good point! is she bringing anything positive to the relationship with my son?????!
Well no...for starters...
she doesn’t really know how to talk to him, she doesn’t show much interest in him she shows more interest in my brothers children who are similar in age. She as a matter fact has never known how to speak to children and I don’t think she knew how to speak to us when we were little either she’s not built that way I’m not sure why God allowed her to be a mother it really makes me angry to think that God gave her two children and only gave me one when I am the better mother .
when she sends him money or gifts or sends us money there’s an expectation connected with that money.
I have to make sure I thank her many many times for sending money and then at times she’s been angry at us and blames us for not being appreciative of what they give us and lists all accounts in angry emails.
Honestly the best part about having her as a parent is that she gives us tons of money for example she paid for our trip to Thailand most recently and she always sends hundreds of dollars for my sons birthday and at Christmas!!! But like I said there is an expectation linked to it and I always have to be mindful of that &make sure I tell her dozens of times how grateful we are!!!

The silent treatment hasn’t happened.In a while but it happened a lot during my childhood and I read somewhere a few years ago that it is the worst type of punishment. In fact...it is a punishment that they give you in the military training where you get silent treatment and also you are put in isolation where you’re not allowed to speak to anybody and you have no form of social interaction or communication with any humans. This I believe happens in prisons also. this She obviously knew how
To torture us and your mother knew too!

I hate to depend on others to make me feel better and haven’t really had any support until I met you. I have to admit I really do enjoy getting a response from you and check a couple of times a day!
it was exciting to see your response today and yesterday and I appreciate the time that you’re taking to talk with me. I appreciate your support and hope that we can continue to support each other.

As for the decision to remove her from my life once and for all...I’m not sure... & I think I’m going to pause on that and see how things go. In the meantime I will have no interaction with her whatsoever and when things cool down I will respond to her ( that is if she calls or emails in the meantime.). I just have to prepare myself mentally before having a conversation with her and the second I sense that she’s angry I’m going to tell her call me when you’re nice and I am hanging up. Setting these boundaries is very helpful and her behavior has been good for the past six months due to the boundaries that I set . On one hand I also do feel sorry for her because I realize that she’s not well mentally but I can’t let her and I WONT let her treat me like garbage anymore.
I have set some clearly defined boundaries and will let her know when the time is right that she has crossed that boundary once again. I am the boss this time and I dictate how this relationship will go. I’m not a child anymore and I will remind her of that and let her know that I will not tolerate it anymore. I DESERVE better & will remind myself everyday like a mantra...that I am good enough and I deserve better.

Thanks for listening Poohbear

Hi! Wow I am impressed with you setting those boundaries - that is really great! It was something I was not ever able to really do, because she didn't respect me and truth be told, I am not weak, I am a strong person, but I was always afraid to truly stand up to her.

The silent treatment did continue into my adulthood even not living at home, if I would call only my dad would talk to me, she would refuse. When I got married, I tried to include her on decisions (oh how it would have been so nice to have a true mom by my side for my wedding!), but she couldn't be bothered to drive up for a cake tasting etc (it;s an hour away) and then she would get mad I did not involve her more. Then after our wedding she gave us both the silent treatment for months. It was horrible and made my wedding so tense I had no guidance or support from her. We also paid for most of it, but she lied and told my Aunt and other family members that they paid for most of it and that I hadn't even said thank you! She would lie to other family members all the time, and without even asking me, they would believe her - and now as an adult, I truly have no family I can count on. There is not a single person in my family I would turn to in an emergency.

I have actually for the most part always been healthy, and now I have some very good long lasting friendships, I have had my share of unhealthy relationships trying to fill a void, but I worked through that and now I think have a good circle of friends I can count on. However I have battled my weight since my 20s and was recently diagnosed with Hashimotos, I think perhaps I had this thyroid issue all my life and they say that can be brought on my stress, it just was not diagnosed. However I am overall very fit and healthy. I am still dealing with how to resolve the Hashimotos.

My mom was the same way with money - not nearly as generous as yours but it always seemed like she felt like she had to buy people's love by paying for things and then yes, you had to be so grateful and if we were not grateful enough, then she was angry! Strings attached always!

The one thing I do miss, is though we never had kids, she always loved our dogs and she was sooo good to them! They loved her too. My husband's parents really don't care about the dogs at all, so that is a bummer.

As far as your dad goes, that is so interesting - my dad was the same way, he was very loyal and never left her, always defended her in fact and I think in some ways was in denial, but unfortunately the way she treated him did send him into depression and I think alcoholism. He smoked a great deal too which is what ultimately cost him his life. She never wanted him to have friends or family around and he never felt he could be free. Eventually everyone stopped coming around and family pretty much abandoned us - they had no idea what I went through and of course when he passed they came back and supported her, not me because she was the widow.

I have issues with trusting people, but these things are sometimes just a mindset, but I can't be vulnerable and I can't ask for help, for fear of rejection, that no one will be there, because my mom and family was never there.

It is a constant battle, but I am happy with the life I managed to build despite my circumstances and very grateful and blessed for the people God gave me!

I need to sign off now, and I am traveling for work and in meetings the rest of today and tomorrow, so if you don't hear from me that is why!

You do deserve better and I am glad that you are believing that and setting those standards!!!