Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group

For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...

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Mother's day

amyrinpa
amyrinpa
The only day of the year that I really dread is mother's day. I wish my kids would be nicer to me on Mother's day to help ease my pain. My son thinks I'm too harsh and believes all my Mother's lies, but he too is mentally ill.

When I still had kids at home, I would plan a nice brunch and other things to do to my taste. Now that I am an empty nester the day annoys me again.

I've adopted my boyfriends families on Mother's day for the most part. Luckily, they don't bug me much about my Mother. I think my boyfriend or I have mentioned to them that she is not right and that I really can't have a relationship with her. They are very understanding since two of their children are adopted. It's so nice that they get it and don't judge me for it.

That brings me to my other point. People often judge me harshly for not sending gifts to my mother for mother's day. I've been tempted to just say she is dead, I'm old enough that people would believe it.

How do you handle Mother's day and your Mom and peoples issues with not buying her gifts?
LadyCricket
LadyCricket
I understand your issue, partly. I was in Godiva store and the women behind the counter trying to sell asked if I wanted to buy something for my mother. I looked at her and said "I don't have one'. As odd as that may sound to other people I dont care I dont have a mother.Mother is defined as a women who loves and protects you, cares for you, I dont have that I have a women that gave birth to me but that is all it is. Its none of their business. As for people in my life, they know I don't have a relationship with her. If they condemn me for that, then they are placed outside my circle of friends. My mother never protected me so its my job now to protect myself. It amazes me that people think all women are great mothers. There are so many examples in our world of women that can never be mothers.

When I feel pressured to send my 'mother' a card I only get a funny card. She gets mad about that but my reply to is "If you'd like it I wont send any". She'd rather get that then nothing. Its the best I can do.

Take care of yourself without infringing on others.
amyrinpa
amyrinpa
That is a good answer, but I didn't have a lot of success with that type of thing because I would get emotional over the thought of being robbed of a Mother. Then again she had many good qualities, but the underlying lack of unconditional love and support really denies her being a Mom.
I have two strategies for shopping:
1. I just say no, no thanks to buying things for her
2. Something along the lines of "I'm done shopping for Mother's day or I don't need to buy anything"
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's not harsh to cut the poisonous people out of your life. It is called taking care of yourself, and some people can't understand it because they themselves are in denial about the toxicity in their own families. You are actually doing the braver thing to stay away and not get stuck in the pattern of abuse and misery.