My mother has been on drugs from the time I was 3 weeks old to now. She's used every drug I can think of, her main choices being heroin and meth in the past, her current favorite being much more mild. For anybody else out there who loves/has lived with an addict, they can definitely be abusive. I grew up being left in the living room alone many days, not taken to school, with just the TV on to entertain me so I wouldn't get in the way of her high. In my childhod years, she emotionally abused me, negleted me, and caused so much stress I'm surprised nobody in my family had a heart attack. My friends have good memories from their past, whereas mine are of calling the police, seeing my mother OD, visiting her in rehabs, and constant fighting and loneliness. I went to college at 18, just to try and have a life, and our relationship got a little better. She still relapsed at least once a year, but we seemed to be able to get a long better over the phone. I am 23 years old now and she is mostly clean, just marijuana and sometimes alcohol, but now I am faced with new abuse and stress. 

July of 2016 my mother fell down the stairs, broke her neck, and sustained a serious brain injury. I immediately went home to help my dad take care of her, and she was SO. MEAN. She would yell and scream and insult us both and never stop picking away at us. I can't think of any specific examples from that time, but she is really good at getting under people's skin and pinpointing where she can hurt you the most. I spent every moment in agony, not understanding how she could be so cruel when all she was on was morphine. She couldn't really blame drugs or her addict self, this was just her in a stressful time. It was so hurtful and the situation was so horrifying that I moved to MA (from OR) to live with my sister for 10 months, then came back to help my parents try and sell their house. 

I moved into my own place and starting working for them as a sort of contractor/handywoman, but when my mother came back from one of her tantrums after a month of being gone, my job changed. I became contractor/handywoman/cook/caretaker/punching bag. She never hit me, to be clear, but I would go over there every day for like, 10 hours a day, and all she would do is pick at me. Call me names, say I'm the abusive one, say I don't have compassioin for her injuries, say that I can't ever snap back at her or argue, say dad and I are in cahoots to put her away, say I'm not helpful, I'm fat, I'm ungrateful, I'm a brat, I'm a baby, I'm a piece of work, she doesn't love me, she doesn't need me, she should kill herself because of how I make her feel, she should divorce dad and live on the street to get away from us, she's a prisoner in her own home, I don't love her, I'm too distant, I should be kinder and more present in the moment, she doesn't trust me, she can't be around me, etc. I know that's a long messy list, but that's what popped out of my head. And I'm grateful that I don't have a mother who ever hit me or physically hurt me. But to have all of these things said to you by somebody who is supposed to love you unconditionally, by somebody who is supposed to protect you...it just really hurts. She has driven away every other family member besides my father and I, sort of. I don't want to deal with her, but my dad won't leave her, and I'm afraid for him. I'm worried that the stress will kill him, she'll get mad and kill him (she has no impulse control and has physically abused him many times), or he will keep sinking into his depression and kill himself. I have two pets over there that I love and miss so much. Even when I am there, I don't get to spend time with them because she requires all my attention. She is emotionally abusive and controlling.

Because of her brain injury, she gets to make all the rules! She says when we're aloud to make noise, eat, shower, go places, take her places, etc. If she wants something, I have to oblige immediately or suffer, which usually ends up happening anyway. When she gets mad, she throws tantrums. A few times it's been in my car while taking her on errands. She tried to kick out my windshield while I was driving. When she insults me and curses at me and tries to break me down, I can't argue or defend myself or even walk away, because she says that her brain injury makes her just say anything and she has no impulse control or boundaries, so I need to be patient and accept who she is without question. She demands that I give her money and take her out at least once a week to buy weed mostly, and when I say I don't have enough she huffs and puffs and freaks out because 'she's the adult and I can't talk back'. My parents don't pay me enough and I have to do all their chores for them so the $1500 I had in savings when I arrived back home is now $0 and I have under $100 in my checking account. I put it all on my credit card because I don't know what else to do. I have looked into camming for money but keep getting too scared to do it because my boyfriend that I live with says he isn't ok with it. My mom takes all dad's money for herself and she doesn't work, so I feel too bad asking him for more. 

Until recently, my mom refused to stay with my dad, so she went to a hotel an hour away and stayed there for about 2 weeks. My dad told me he was going to kill himself and that he needed my brother and I to look after her needs, but my brother wouldn't really help me, so I have had to go and bring her supplies/money/do her chores/etc. Last week after going to the same store twice for her and getting rid of all her whiskey bottles she kicked me out of her room and said she hated me and then sent a bunch or text blasts to the whole family telling us that we had to drop off supplies and money with the front desk but couldn't see her and that she was blocking my phone number. I didn't do anything to spark that, just to be clear. 

Since then I haven't really talked to her or gone to work for them. I went over for the first time today because the animals had a vet appointment, and when I talked to her on the phone she was a lot nicer, but I should have known that didn't mean anything. When she realizes that I am pulling away, she always adjusts her attitude...until the next time. I left there today in tears after she yelled at me about how I'm a piece of work and don't care about the cat or some random bullshit. I tried to tell her that I'm happy to help take her doctors appointments for this supposed brain injury, although I suspect that this is really mental illness combined with years of drug abuse. She told me that if I wasn't willing to support or help her or show compassion, then I could kindly say goodbye and get out of her life. I snapped a little and said her perspective was off and that I've been helpful and supportive this whole time, and that she refused to look at herself through anybody else's eyes. She kicked me out. 

I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm new to this site and I really need somebody, anybody, to talk to about this. My friends, my boyfriend, other family members; they don't understand. My friends and boyfriend all have loving mothers and I think don't know how to help or what to say. They just give listen and tell me to ditch my family. Yeah, ok, so simple! Ha. Mom saves this level of hell specifically for my dad and I, although she is mean to the rest of the family, but they don't understand because they aren't there every single fucking day. 

I cry for probably an average of 1.5 hours a day, and I have fantasies of sinking into my bed and ceasing to exist. I don't want to die, I just wish that this wasn't my life, that I had different parents or didn't have to feel anything. But I do exist, and I do feel, and these are my parents. I can't tell them how I feel, and I'm sort of lost for what to do. I have considered al anon, but this isn't really a drinking related issue. I think my mom is either a horrible person or really mentally ill. It feels like she died that day in July when she broke her neck, and a demon moved into her body, and I've been forced to grieve for her while taking care of a monster that looks like her. 

So...yeah. I could probably say more, and maybe I'll try and post more, but just...I guess I'm just looking for support. Thanks for listening.