Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
Hi I am new here, glad to be hear. I love reading that I am not alone. I joined for maybe for once in my life I needed to feel as if my feelings were somehow justified. You see I have a very messed up life. Some people who hear bits and pieces of my story and wonder how I have gotten as far as I have. The story is so long that I will cut it down quite a bit not to bore anyone to pieces. I made up my mind years ago to be nothing like my mother from Hades..Lord knows how much I have tried and tried to get along. My mother is one of the worst emotional abusers, she is manipulative and at times just down right hateful. To the point you wonder how someone can be that way. If you have a headache, she has a brain tumor, if you have a cold she has the flu.
Growing up both of my parents were alcoholics, they fought, not just words but physically...I witnessed way to much of it growing up, From my mother smashing everything in the house, to smashing out the windshields of my father's truck she even threw a steak knife at him once and it stuck in his back, not deep enough to need stitches but I mean still!? Then of course this would send him over the edge and he would smack her around, my uncle would get into it too on my father's side. Then my mother would either take every pill in the house, or a knife to her wrist. To the point that when I was 13 years old, on thursday's i would start hiding knifes. Then she would break something and go at herself. The wounds she gave herself were never really bad, and if they didn't bleed much, she would squeeze her arm and rub the blood every where to make it worse than it really was. I begged my father to leave her when i was growing up, because she was crazy and I didn't trust her with me or my little sister. Who was adopted and 11 years younger than me, she doesn't remember any of it, because i used to hid her under the bed, in the closets. He never would never leave her, when I was 13 my Mother was at a neighbors house, males of course, drinking. she had a knife to her wrist and the party goers about 15 of them were terrified. One girl tried to wake my drunk father, who refused to get out of bed, so they woke me up when i walked into the party my mother sat in a corner at a kitchen table with a knife to her wrist when she saw me she told me this "You are the reason I want to die, because i was raped and you remind me of that everyday" She then cut her wrist this time worse than ever, i took the knife from her threw it in a nearby sink and returned to bed because I later found out I was in shock. Later weeks down the road i blamed myself for everything and even tried to take my own life... She was rushed to the ER, and later taken to a mental hospital. Let out of course after a few days, because she convinced the doctors it was an accident.
This is something that we have never talked about, until a huge fight almost 4 months ago. I will get to that, I later found out that my father wasn;t my father but she told him i was until i was 3 and my bio-dad had shown up. According to bio-dad they had been young she wanted out from under her very strict and religious parents, she got pregnant with me, and bio dad didn't want kids because he was young they broke up, she met my father, slept with him and then a week later told him she was pregnant. Now even though she was almost 3 months along, she went so far to tell everyone that I was a preemie for years. Even to this day even though the whole truth came out, she still goes with the story of I was raped. She also claims that she didn't tell me that way...you can't work threw any issues with her, because she remembers facts the way she wants too, and she makes you feel crazy. Too many times, i have been told your crazy that's not what happened. I suffer from post traumatic disorder have for years, of course that's not real according to her.
Bringing me to the latest, long story short, i married young, had kids young, had an abusive marriage, got out got remarried, and then he cheated and was left alone again, So 6 years ago, i met a man that loved me and cared for me whole heartly for the first time ever i felt loved...my mother quit drinking because of medical issues. I moved around her, biggest mistake ever, she now believes she owns me. She wants me to do, and do and do, and by do i mean, cook her and hubby's food, clean her house, take her to doctor's appointments, take her to the store whenever she wants, come and keep her company when her husband works nights. I have a 9 year old son with autism, adhd and tons of other medical issues, and a 3 year old soon to be 4 yr old son and she blames me for all the medical problems with my 9 year old, for many different reasons, i was in my 30's when i had him, I am a diabetic. the list goes on.
Three months ago, my sister came to visit my mother. I was told I was invited for a family party only so that I couldn't through it in her face that I wasn't invited. They wanted to have a family BBQ and fireworks and she would let me know when and what day I could come up. When I didn't say anything, the anger in her started. She wanted a reaction because she has pttied my sister and I against each other all of the time. Learned a long time ago that you just don't say anything to her, even if she is in the wrong or hurts you in anyway. If you fight with her, when she is done being mad, you are to be done as well. Then she tells me that she is taking my sister's kids for a whole month to give her a break. (my sister and her hubby don't work and are fully supported by her hubby's family) Now my mother will not look after my kids, not even for a hour and whenever she does, she charges me $40 a day. The last time she looked after my 9 yr old son, was when I was in the hospital having my youngest. She watched him for 4 days and I had to pay her $250 plus food, but she was taking my sister's kids for free for a month, but she wanted me to take her to the beach, shopping and help her look after my sister's kids. That's when my anger started.
So I thought yeah ok, well she called that weekend to say she didn't want anything she was checking in, that her and her husband were going berry picking that my sister was going fishing with her family, because they didn't want to berry picking. My family had gone berry picking the weekend before. That was the end of it, until that evening when i started getting text messages, we went to the beach we are having a bbq and fireworks. That was it, I was sent pictures. She was trying to make me jealous and it worked when believe me i am mad at myself for. I wrote back and told her how nice, have fun. I didn't go because i wasn't told, but then she says yes you were, why are being a Bit*h? I was told to F*ck off, and I was flew at by both her and my sister. I was like oh my god what? how? After all of that, by the end of my sister's trip I tried yet again to make peace. I went to see them, we made plans for them all to come to see me at my house, they said they would be there in the morning stay all day. The next day came, I waited all day, no one came, i made lunch, veggie trays, and my mother called me after 5 telling me my sister when home. I lost it, for the first time in my life I lost it at my mother, I was really upset they didn't have enough respect to let me know they had no intention of coming and made me wait all day. Apparently found out only 2 months ago, my sister and mother forgot my birthday in june and when i said something about it to them, they were mad because i said something and made them feel bad about it, and that was wrong. I should just understand and not expect to have my birthday remembered because they have too much on there plates... Now everyone is still fighting, i am being crapped on. I have been sent messages, about how I am pure evil, ungrateful, hateful and how they are all done with me. My mother told me i was mental and needed a doctor, so i went to doctor. They tell me I am good, they are the crazy ones.
My father turned his back on me years ago, because I met my bio dad, the rest of the family has so many problems and no one talks to anyone. I found out that I have a heart defect that I am awaiting surgery for, they tell me I blow everything out of proportion. My 9 yr old son with autism, needs a major surgery to deconstruct and reconstruct his legs and ankles (he was born with two really bad club feet) I am called a drama queen and that I want the world to revolve around me. I found out 6 months ago that i have scoliosis of the spine and arthritis in every joint, the doctor again me meds to manage the pain, they call me a drug addict. When I asked how am I a drug addict? Because I take diabetic meds and pain meds (tylentol 3) but i kind of need the diabetic meds to i don't know LIVE??!!
My problem is this, i want my family, i love my family, i know they are toxic. Because they put me down, i can never do enough, i made to feel guilty all the time when i don't do or can't do. My mother thinks she should be put first even over my children. When I don't I am the problem. Yet I still want them because that's all I have left my mother and sister. So how do you cope with wanting family members that think so little of you, how do you walk away from family that are toxic. I have tried to tell them not to call me names, and put me down. Told them I don't mind helping, when I can, told I was a greedy monster who wants pity...I feel like I just can't win. 3 days ago my wonderful hubby that I have now flew off at her and blocked her. This morning I get "I am so sorry email" but for only calling me evil everything else like calling me a drug addict she is not sorry for because she feels that way. I just don't know anymore, I am really depressed. I guess somehow the father that raised me was easier to accept somehow because i wasn't his i don't know....anyways thanks for listening.
Growing up both of my parents were alcoholics, they fought, not just words but physically...I witnessed way to much of it growing up, From my mother smashing everything in the house, to smashing out the windshields of my father's truck she even threw a steak knife at him once and it stuck in his back, not deep enough to need stitches but I mean still!? Then of course this would send him over the edge and he would smack her around, my uncle would get into it too on my father's side. Then my mother would either take every pill in the house, or a knife to her wrist. To the point that when I was 13 years old, on thursday's i would start hiding knifes. Then she would break something and go at herself. The wounds she gave herself were never really bad, and if they didn't bleed much, she would squeeze her arm and rub the blood every where to make it worse than it really was. I begged my father to leave her when i was growing up, because she was crazy and I didn't trust her with me or my little sister. Who was adopted and 11 years younger than me, she doesn't remember any of it, because i used to hid her under the bed, in the closets. He never would never leave her, when I was 13 my Mother was at a neighbors house, males of course, drinking. she had a knife to her wrist and the party goers about 15 of them were terrified. One girl tried to wake my drunk father, who refused to get out of bed, so they woke me up when i walked into the party my mother sat in a corner at a kitchen table with a knife to her wrist when she saw me she told me this "You are the reason I want to die, because i was raped and you remind me of that everyday" She then cut her wrist this time worse than ever, i took the knife from her threw it in a nearby sink and returned to bed because I later found out I was in shock. Later weeks down the road i blamed myself for everything and even tried to take my own life... She was rushed to the ER, and later taken to a mental hospital. Let out of course after a few days, because she convinced the doctors it was an accident.
This is something that we have never talked about, until a huge fight almost 4 months ago. I will get to that, I later found out that my father wasn;t my father but she told him i was until i was 3 and my bio-dad had shown up. According to bio-dad they had been young she wanted out from under her very strict and religious parents, she got pregnant with me, and bio dad didn't want kids because he was young they broke up, she met my father, slept with him and then a week later told him she was pregnant. Now even though she was almost 3 months along, she went so far to tell everyone that I was a preemie for years. Even to this day even though the whole truth came out, she still goes with the story of I was raped. She also claims that she didn't tell me that way...you can't work threw any issues with her, because she remembers facts the way she wants too, and she makes you feel crazy. Too many times, i have been told your crazy that's not what happened. I suffer from post traumatic disorder have for years, of course that's not real according to her.
Bringing me to the latest, long story short, i married young, had kids young, had an abusive marriage, got out got remarried, and then he cheated and was left alone again, So 6 years ago, i met a man that loved me and cared for me whole heartly for the first time ever i felt loved...my mother quit drinking because of medical issues. I moved around her, biggest mistake ever, she now believes she owns me. She wants me to do, and do and do, and by do i mean, cook her and hubby's food, clean her house, take her to doctor's appointments, take her to the store whenever she wants, come and keep her company when her husband works nights. I have a 9 year old son with autism, adhd and tons of other medical issues, and a 3 year old soon to be 4 yr old son and she blames me for all the medical problems with my 9 year old, for many different reasons, i was in my 30's when i had him, I am a diabetic. the list goes on.
Three months ago, my sister came to visit my mother. I was told I was invited for a family party only so that I couldn't through it in her face that I wasn't invited. They wanted to have a family BBQ and fireworks and she would let me know when and what day I could come up. When I didn't say anything, the anger in her started. She wanted a reaction because she has pttied my sister and I against each other all of the time. Learned a long time ago that you just don't say anything to her, even if she is in the wrong or hurts you in anyway. If you fight with her, when she is done being mad, you are to be done as well. Then she tells me that she is taking my sister's kids for a whole month to give her a break. (my sister and her hubby don't work and are fully supported by her hubby's family) Now my mother will not look after my kids, not even for a hour and whenever she does, she charges me $40 a day. The last time she looked after my 9 yr old son, was when I was in the hospital having my youngest. She watched him for 4 days and I had to pay her $250 plus food, but she was taking my sister's kids for free for a month, but she wanted me to take her to the beach, shopping and help her look after my sister's kids. That's when my anger started.
So I thought yeah ok, well she called that weekend to say she didn't want anything she was checking in, that her and her husband were going berry picking that my sister was going fishing with her family, because they didn't want to berry picking. My family had gone berry picking the weekend before. That was the end of it, until that evening when i started getting text messages, we went to the beach we are having a bbq and fireworks. That was it, I was sent pictures. She was trying to make me jealous and it worked when believe me i am mad at myself for. I wrote back and told her how nice, have fun. I didn't go because i wasn't told, but then she says yes you were, why are being a Bit*h? I was told to F*ck off, and I was flew at by both her and my sister. I was like oh my god what? how? After all of that, by the end of my sister's trip I tried yet again to make peace. I went to see them, we made plans for them all to come to see me at my house, they said they would be there in the morning stay all day. The next day came, I waited all day, no one came, i made lunch, veggie trays, and my mother called me after 5 telling me my sister when home. I lost it, for the first time in my life I lost it at my mother, I was really upset they didn't have enough respect to let me know they had no intention of coming and made me wait all day. Apparently found out only 2 months ago, my sister and mother forgot my birthday in june and when i said something about it to them, they were mad because i said something and made them feel bad about it, and that was wrong. I should just understand and not expect to have my birthday remembered because they have too much on there plates... Now everyone is still fighting, i am being crapped on. I have been sent messages, about how I am pure evil, ungrateful, hateful and how they are all done with me. My mother told me i was mental and needed a doctor, so i went to doctor. They tell me I am good, they are the crazy ones.
My father turned his back on me years ago, because I met my bio dad, the rest of the family has so many problems and no one talks to anyone. I found out that I have a heart defect that I am awaiting surgery for, they tell me I blow everything out of proportion. My 9 yr old son with autism, needs a major surgery to deconstruct and reconstruct his legs and ankles (he was born with two really bad club feet) I am called a drama queen and that I want the world to revolve around me. I found out 6 months ago that i have scoliosis of the spine and arthritis in every joint, the doctor again me meds to manage the pain, they call me a drug addict. When I asked how am I a drug addict? Because I take diabetic meds and pain meds (tylentol 3) but i kind of need the diabetic meds to i don't know LIVE??!!
My problem is this, i want my family, i love my family, i know they are toxic. Because they put me down, i can never do enough, i made to feel guilty all the time when i don't do or can't do. My mother thinks she should be put first even over my children. When I don't I am the problem. Yet I still want them because that's all I have left my mother and sister. So how do you cope with wanting family members that think so little of you, how do you walk away from family that are toxic. I have tried to tell them not to call me names, and put me down. Told them I don't mind helping, when I can, told I was a greedy monster who wants pity...I feel like I just can't win. 3 days ago my wonderful hubby that I have now flew off at her and blocked her. This morning I get "I am so sorry email" but for only calling me evil everything else like calling me a drug addict she is not sorry for because she feels that way. I just don't know anymore, I am really depressed. I guess somehow the father that raised me was easier to accept somehow because i wasn't his i don't know....anyways thanks for listening.
The only other option is if they would be willing to go to family counselling…
I hope you find peace
I've left my mother too. Last time we spoke was December 2012 on the phone - last time I allowed her to give me abuse. It's getting easier not to be in contact and I think about her less often.
It is so sad because I still miss having a mom, and I'm 39 years old. But I haven't got a mom. The mother I have is very ill on all levels.
I also had to step away from my sister. My sister has bullied me together with my mother, and I never wanted to see it. My sister's always been very ill emotionally (eating disorder etc.), so I wanted to rescue her and I probably hoped to get her to be on my side. It never happened. To this day, she hates my guts and I have stopped caring why or figuring out why.
What I am facing at the moment is that I attract women who bully me (no wonder!). For about 2 years (!) I keep denying the fact.....til something cracks and I see it.
Does anyone have the experience of attracting abuse by women?
I don't know how many girlfriends I've left....I allow them to boss me around, to bully me, to tell me off, to laugh at me, to make fun of me.....when in fact, there is the dynamic that I am stronger than them. They feel like victims on some level and I give to them....while getting abuse. It's 1:1 like what I grew up with.
I want to change this so badly. Enough is enough!
Thank you all for your courage in sharing. Lots of love and healing.