Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
I am glad to find a group that understands the isolation you feel when you dont have the love of a mother that it seems everyone else in the world has. Its hard to talk about this to people with tight families. They look at you as if your damaged goods. "Your mother doesn't love you so why should you be my friend. If you mother doens't love you, your unloveable." My mother-in-law is a very nice person, very distant but very nice person. So I my hope of being welcome into a family was dashed there also.
I have created a good life for myself with out her but she still is unable to happy for me even though I have reached the top of my career. Or pain for me when the firm had me downsized.
She was both physically abusive and emotionally abusive to me. I am 37 w/o children because I am afraid. First I dont want her anywhere near my children and I still am dealing with the issues she's caused me and I dont want that placed on a beautiful young life. I know I would be a good mother but I am still scared and time is running out to have children. I remember at 13 I had just gotten out of the hospital with bruised kidneys (which she didn't believe) She hit me to the ground, laying in front of the kitchen sink I remember vowing never to have kids because I never want my child to hate me as much as I hate her. I see my cousins whose his parents cut him out of their lives because they dont like him and her and then his wife left him and his son doesn't want anything to do with him. I cant imagine his pain, a pain I dont want ever to know. But I dont want my mother to deprive me of a child. My husband is a great man and he would like a child he knows I would rather adopt, since I wouldn't have any family gene's in there.
I am an only child which makes this all the more painful. I do have two cousins who is dealing with the same issue with there mother, so it runs in the family. I make the joke that we "eat" our young but its more true then I want to admit.
She didn't want to help with my wedding nor part with any of her money. At one point she said to me "your just as married as anyone else" My reply "yea but I dont have the good memories". She shut up finally about that. I just started my MBA program. Mind you they never gave me a dime for anything so I've done all this myself. I got "that's nice dear" Yuck. My husband and I just started our own catering business (he loves to cook) and its our way to have a child and someone stay home to raise the child. She again said "that's nice dear" never inquiring about even the name. My therapist is funny I told her that story she said "so what is the name of your company?"
Yes I have a good councilor and that fact that she is a women is amazing to me. I dont get along with women. I like men's company much better. I have no close female friends.
Yes, I still "talk" with my mother. To make matters worse my father takes her side. So in reality I have no parents and I tell people that. To be more specific I have people who gave me life but no parents. The state would have given me what my "parents" did.
I just talked with my father after 6 months of no contact. He just dedcided to call. He acted like it was 6 days not 6 months.
At 31 my mother told me when I was young "she just couldn't love me' I asked her how old I was when she started 'loving' me. Her reply "oh about 14'.
i just feel lonely and the I know she is to but she finds my so "offensive" she doens't want to call.
I remember a conversation, she was just berating me, I finally said, "Mom, you cant think of one nice thing about me. I can think of 5 nice things to say about you right now." You know she only came up with I am smart. Groovy.
After the age o 19 i've only spent 6 months with in 200 miles of them. I have a website with pictures to keep in contact with my 2 cousins (my only family). I gave the password to my parents. She couldn't say "oh Mt. Rainer is beautiful and you see that from your dinning room" or "you have a nice house" but I got " boy you look older" and "you did hang curtains in the bathroom". Not mean at all but I should talk to the wall it would be warm (especially is the heat is blowing on it)
So that is a rather long post about my me. I am making a good life but it feels like I have 1000lbs of weight to pull with me. Nothing seems easy. Every day I put on my makeup and I hear her voice " I have nice thin lips you have big motor boat lips" I like my lips and boy does red lipstick look great on them. But I hate that voice.
I have created a good life for myself with out her but she still is unable to happy for me even though I have reached the top of my career. Or pain for me when the firm had me downsized.
She was both physically abusive and emotionally abusive to me. I am 37 w/o children because I am afraid. First I dont want her anywhere near my children and I still am dealing with the issues she's caused me and I dont want that placed on a beautiful young life. I know I would be a good mother but I am still scared and time is running out to have children. I remember at 13 I had just gotten out of the hospital with bruised kidneys (which she didn't believe) She hit me to the ground, laying in front of the kitchen sink I remember vowing never to have kids because I never want my child to hate me as much as I hate her. I see my cousins whose his parents cut him out of their lives because they dont like him and her and then his wife left him and his son doesn't want anything to do with him. I cant imagine his pain, a pain I dont want ever to know. But I dont want my mother to deprive me of a child. My husband is a great man and he would like a child he knows I would rather adopt, since I wouldn't have any family gene's in there.
I am an only child which makes this all the more painful. I do have two cousins who is dealing with the same issue with there mother, so it runs in the family. I make the joke that we "eat" our young but its more true then I want to admit.
She didn't want to help with my wedding nor part with any of her money. At one point she said to me "your just as married as anyone else" My reply "yea but I dont have the good memories". She shut up finally about that. I just started my MBA program. Mind you they never gave me a dime for anything so I've done all this myself. I got "that's nice dear" Yuck. My husband and I just started our own catering business (he loves to cook) and its our way to have a child and someone stay home to raise the child. She again said "that's nice dear" never inquiring about even the name. My therapist is funny I told her that story she said "so what is the name of your company?"
Yes I have a good councilor and that fact that she is a women is amazing to me. I dont get along with women. I like men's company much better. I have no close female friends.
Yes, I still "talk" with my mother. To make matters worse my father takes her side. So in reality I have no parents and I tell people that. To be more specific I have people who gave me life but no parents. The state would have given me what my "parents" did.
I just talked with my father after 6 months of no contact. He just dedcided to call. He acted like it was 6 days not 6 months.
At 31 my mother told me when I was young "she just couldn't love me' I asked her how old I was when she started 'loving' me. Her reply "oh about 14'.
i just feel lonely and the I know she is to but she finds my so "offensive" she doens't want to call.
I remember a conversation, she was just berating me, I finally said, "Mom, you cant think of one nice thing about me. I can think of 5 nice things to say about you right now." You know she only came up with I am smart. Groovy.
After the age o 19 i've only spent 6 months with in 200 miles of them. I have a website with pictures to keep in contact with my 2 cousins (my only family). I gave the password to my parents. She couldn't say "oh Mt. Rainer is beautiful and you see that from your dinning room" or "you have a nice house" but I got " boy you look older" and "you did hang curtains in the bathroom". Not mean at all but I should talk to the wall it would be warm (especially is the heat is blowing on it)
So that is a rather long post about my me. I am making a good life but it feels like I have 1000lbs of weight to pull with me. Nothing seems easy. Every day I put on my makeup and I hear her voice " I have nice thin lips you have big motor boat lips" I like my lips and boy does red lipstick look great on them. But I hate that voice.
The more love you put into your life, the less you feel the void of not having a loving Mom. It sounds like both of you have already have a network of good people in your life. Having kids multiplies one's loving network. Even when your kid has problems or doesn't turn out quite right, kids love you unconditionally.
Though we have horrible examples of how to be a mother in our minds, it fortifies our resolve NOT to be like that. I worked for a guy whose Father went to prison when he was a toddler. His mother had substance abuse problems (drugs & alcohol) and was prone to creating drama including suicide attempts. She was a train wreck and nearly all of her relatives were too. He liked to say he learned well from her bad example. He was a deacon in his church, successful in his career, volunteered and happily married. His life is a complete opposite of his mother and the rest of his family. Until I heard him mention the bad example of his mother, I assumed he grew up in a normal home with two church going parents. I was stunned to hear how messed up his family was.
My reasoning for wanting to be a parent was partially motivated by my desire to do things better than her but it was also motivated by my strong desire to live a good life. My mantra is to not be a victim, to not let those who want to control or abuse me keep me from living a life in the way I chose.
If you really want to be a parent, I urge you to be one. If you are afraid of being a bad parent, learn how to be a good one. Take classes on effective parenting and early childhood development. Keep learning. If your not sure what classes to take, the classes required to be a foster parent are often excellent. I remember an episode on my three sons, were Uncle Charlie felt snubbed by his nephew & nephew's wife decision to not let him baby sit for them. Uncle Charlie started babysitting and soon became the most favored sitter in town.
Having kids brought in so much love and happiness into my life. Looking back, I wish I had more children but I doubted my ability to be a good parent and handle more than two. I have so much fun with my grand children when I am with them. Children are such a joy, even my grown kids bring me some wonderful moments. Having kids, helped me start my own family traditions. The Easter egg hunt, the Christmas cookie decorating parties, singing to certain CDs together, taking trips and etc. Now my kids have families and they are making their own memories and traditions.
I have friends who had wonderful parents and they are so so parents. Most of the really good parents I know, chose to be good parents. They are not good parents by accident, it is by thoughtful choices whether or not they grew up with a good example or not.
Gothicrose, I would suggest a 'burning'. I have done that ... glass of champagne a fire in the fire pit and everything that makes me sad or angry or is hurtful is burnt and turned into ashes. Its cleansing.
We have been thinking about having children, my husband and I are going to be genetically tested to make sure we 'ok'. If something comes thru, then we will start adoption. But at my age I better get moving! I have no idea when natural menopause is with women in my family. Even my cousin has no idea about the family but she started in her early 40's.
My son was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have an amazing relationship, and he saved my emotional life. The loneliness, sadness and betrayal that you feel even as an adult when you Mom doesnât love is unbearable. But from day one, my son loved me for me. Warts and all and it was the first time I had ever felt loved, in that way.
I did have problems with discipline, my mother was very violent, so I didnât discipline at all. By three he was very spoilt, but I saw how it was affecting him in his friendships so I went and did a parenting course. It helped a lot and every time I get to a situation im unsure of, mostly because of reside from my Mom, I just write down a plan, become clear and work from that.
We are not our Mom's. They made their choices, for whatever reason, have compassion but it's still not OK.
They may have taken our childhood, but they donât get to take the rest of your life, your hope, your dreams and stop you from being who you know you can be, even being a fantastic mother.
I guess if they don't have those organizations, it is back to the older forms such as joining a club, going to a church (or similar) or getting into a sport. This winter I want to join the curling league or another pseudo sport (pool, darts). My bf bowls and has a great time with it, I might join too but the noise at bowling alleys often overwhelms me.
pjd32 - I wish I had taken parenting classes earlier too like you did. Glad to hear someone else with a similar goal to live a good life despite having a crappy mom and being a good mom in spite of having a bad mom.