Hello,

I've been really upset about a situation and wanted another opinion or two...I've talked to my closest friends about it, and they are telling me to run for the door, unfortunately... I"m sad, confused and don't want to make a mistake.

I met a wonderful man, 49, during my separation. I"m two years legally separated and going through a nasty divorce, my choice to leave due to a husband who basically bankrupted us without my knowledge. As for the boyfriend, It was love at first sight, we fell head over heels, and he was making promises to love me and treat me like a Queen from day one.  I had been dating some really serious jerks and he was a breath of fresh air: he sent love poems, opens car doors, he's country and southern, a real man's man.  He's handsome, rugged, very muscular, says "aint," LOL. Although people think we are an odd couple, they really like him when they meet him...he's very sweet, and charming, like a giant teddy bear. He's also a police officer...28 years, loves his work, firearms instructor, works extra hours to make additional money and has another job on the side  on weekends where he is able to invest in stocks with the company. (Similar to a Home Depot) He made around $110 , 000 last year which is great for a police officer with the extra work. He's been incredibly supportive during the divorce, gives me advice, treats my 11 year old daughter like his own,  helps my parents when they ask, etc. He's really a great guy overall. We're admittedly from different sides of the street for sure, but we're very much in love, we have a connection like nothing I"ve experienced. It's like seeing Christie Brinkley and Billie Joel...we're an odd couple, on the surface.

Now, admittedly, his dating/finances have not always been great. He is also a General Contractor, has built homes for profit and still has a company that is active under his brother in law. When he got divorced after 18 years, he unfortunately lost everything and he had 11 homes he had to let go as well that he invested in. His Father was the largest builder in his area and they both basically went bankrupt after the recession we suffered in 2009 or so.  His Father passed last year from a stroke due to the stress, they think. He had a large home he built where he lived  for 12 years and left the police force to work with his famly for awhile, he was making big money then. He acquired cars, a boat, nice assets, vaca home, etc. After the divorce/recession he lost everything. He now lives in a modest townhome/apartment, nice area but older 70s place, and he doesn't have many luxuries which he is ok with. He has stocks and a little in savings,  small debt to pay for his truck, etc. He has a nice double retirement being set up, he says which he's funneling most of his money into. So, he's being responsible in my eyes which is good.

As for me, I am the opposite: a city girl, refined due to upbringing, from a stable somewhat society type family with money who has left me a small inheritance, I just discovered.  I"m leaving a man who is a banker, well known in town but dishonest and secretive. Controlled me the entire marriage, hid the finances and debt he created. We had a terrible marriage and I was miserable for 10 of the 20 years of it.  We have one child, 11, and she lives with me, visits him on weekends and once during the week. I was a stay at home Mom for years while I worked part time at home and attended events with the banker husband to help his career. I also help take care of my elderly Dad, as my parents live nearby, and my Dad has Alzheimer's.  I"m nearing the end of the divorce now, and things are getting precarious. Although I'm still in the nice marital home being paid for by my ex (he turned it upside down and can't sell it) he just also lost his high paying job, my insurance is about to run out, and I don't make a lot of money as I work part time from home for a major non profit as I have my whole career. I also run a small pet sitting business on the side for fun and extra money. I sing for fun, too, was trained in opera/classical music, and I"m a huge animal lover so I volunteer/foster a lot. My boyfriend loves to help with it, too.

Now, during our relationship of 10 months, my boyfriend has been a little cheap sometimes. He makes promises a lot and doesn't always follow through. He's practically moved in here and he started staying over more after about 3 to 4 months after he and my daughter started forming a bond. My parents admittedly like him, and he's helped them a lot at their home. He used to come over to stay once a week when she was not here and every other weekend when she was at my ex husband's.  Eventually, he started coming over more at my urging and now he's here all the time. His clothes are here and he's made himself comfortable. He helps around the house, is very much a caretaker, etc. Always happy, etc.  I don't really like staying at his place becasue it's far from where my daughter and I live and it's not well kept, his roommates cats are there and it smells pretty bad. He's neat and clean but lives very simply now, has not even a table to eat on inside his place.

Now, he does take us out to eat when we ask, and on the weekends, but he's not spoling me by any means like he had promised in the beginning. He knows I"m used to being treated a certain way and have lived a comfortable life and if anything, with him, I"ve taken a step back. I"m cooking for him, doing his laundry, etc. We've taken a few trips to my parents vacation place which my Mom financed since he helped them move some furniture, and we've spent some time at his family beach place in the summer which was nice. He does little things for me, surprises me, but he's very very frugal. He's definitely socking his money away, and he's still paying rent at his place, so while he's here, he's not contributing much, maybe some grocery money here and there and brings me supplies whenever I need them for my pets, the household, etc. He recently had his rent lowered since he's never there, so now he's trying to help me a little more here with groceries and he hands me some cash sometimes. He knows I"m struggling now to pay things. Even though on the surface things look good, I"m struggling, as my ex doesn't give me much to live on and I don't make a lot of money, either. I"m in sales/marketing and it's commission based. I"m trying to not switch jobs until the divorce is over to ensure I keep my daughter on the same time sharing schedule, so it's crucial I don't make a change right now, per my attorney. Her Dad is never home and he's an alcoholic.

My boyfriend recently had a conversation about renewing his GC license/insurance for business and he's taken some online courses to renew it with his brother in law. He is trying to build spec homes again to make extra money with his millionaire brother who runs a matchmaking /escort type service i n the Ukraine and is an investor himself.   He never mentioned money to me, just that he had to pay $2000 to renew his hunting license end of April which he does annually. He came over the other night and was talking loudly on the phone about his stocks where he works. As it happens, I had just received my inheritance that day in my bank account. He was going on and on about being $3000 short of the $8000 he needs to get his 2 year license.I asked him what he was going to do and he said he could sell his stocks but he didn't want to lose the 45 percent by doing so which he had just found out he would lose. He was thinking out loud and of course I felt like he was fishing to see if I would lend the money. When I asked him, he declined but then said if he did, he would pay me back in 3 months. Now, if I were not going thru a nasty divorce and were settled, we were engaged, etc. that would be one thing. I am a VERY generous person and would gladly give him the money.  But when I was not able to pay my attorney fees and my Mother had to help, he never offered, either, and this was last month. So, to me, the fact that he would take my money over selling his stocks of $70,000 or asking his wealthy brother to help temporarily or ask his investor friends which he's used before is a huge red flag.

My BFF is very perceptive and she thinks he's taking advantage of me. She is urging me to break up with him, as she thinks I will be miserable down the road with him. She says he has zero to offer me. I"m torn of course...I love him.

She says he's always sponging off of me, staying in my upscale, luxury home, paying very little to take me out, etc. 

I love this man and wanted a life with him, but yet now I"m turned off a little. My gut is telling me something now. He's had several failed relationships where the women had kids and he had lived with them, and one of the gal's was even paying the rent while he paid only utilities. I"m worried I"m in for a ride with him down the road. He asked me that night it happened would I be willing to live with him and my daughter and him in a tent if it came down to it, and I felt that was an unfair question to ask, as he has nothing substantial financailly to offer , and here I"m trying to rebuild my life with my family's money. They even bought me a nice car last year, so I would not have to worry.  So, to me, it's not like we're living a big life he's providing and now he' asking if I will stand by him if he loses it. He has little to offer and he still wants to know if I will compromise my standards moving forward.

Any thoughts/suggestions? I"ve talked to him about it last night and he said he feels terrible now. My friends are urging me to run and not look back. I"ve suffered a lot with my ex who has us in huge debt already as it is which I"m trying to be absolved from legally. My mediation date is set for October now, as we're waiting to see if he gets a job by then.

Please help. : )