Ive been on these dating sites for a few a months and my experience as a 40 + woman is that men either want one thing or they have put me under a microscope focusing on all my characteristics and searching for something negative. No one wants to go through pain again and the instability of it all, but there is no crystal ball. Yet still they seem to sense in me an anxiety or insecure energy I don't know I still have. Since I got out of an emotionally and at the end a physically abusive relationship since just last year, I was instantly at peace. I did'nt know how abusive he was or maybe I didn't want to admit it. Tried to make our lives around us look normal when all along I was ripped apart constantly, startled, raged at, manipulated and betrayed on more levels then just infidelity. How do I look at my life now? I am so grateful he is out of our home and out of my heart. He goes back and forth being super nice, to super nasty and vindictive. I can see him clearly and myself as well and I a finally free from his control and dark world. But...

I want real love, I am so much stronger than I ever I thought I was. i have so much love and passion to give the right man. I lived 12 years with no emotional support, I had to depend on God for guidance and my close friends, but i was still in the driver seat. I did it on my own with him bullying me all the way. So, am I still angry? Can I trust again? I am confident that now I will not pick the same type of man? I have been educated and I have my list of red flags, but my experience dating this last year (started obviously not ready) showed me I may not be as ready as I though I was. I am glad I dated when everyone else said, wait! Its too soon. To everyone else its too soon, to me I have been alone for years - except on the surface. I learned how to date again, I learned what to look out for and I learned to keep my expectations low as far as meeting someone for the first time. I was doing so well, I was! And then I met him... When I wasn't expecting it, a few months ago (when I was not ready at all) I met someone different. Or was he? Someone I would never have dated years ago, or so I thought - the image was different, his character, his vibe was so sincere. At first he wanted to sell me that he was the right kind of man I should be with and then once he got me weak in the knees he said he was afraid I wasn't ready because I wasn't yet divorced yet. Understandably, but we continued to text and dated a few times. He was compassionate, driven, supportive and caring. His actions where positive and spoke to me unlike anything I have experienced in years with a man.

Then one day, he stopped texting, just like that. I continued to date and have met a few men that I enjoyed spending time with, but he was always in the back of my head. Then one day, a few weeks ago, he text me again after months of not hearing from him! I was happy to hear from him, but he never explained specifically what happened, only that everyone was on "different pages in the dating pool" so he stopped dating. Didn't say why he was reaching out again, and never called, just texted me. He said that when I was ready there would be a lucky guy waiting for me - of course he said it in 3rd person. lol I can't seem to date anyone since his call. This man has taken over my heart/ my thoughts. So, I decided to email him and tell him I can't handle the distraction anymore, its another power play where a MAN has all the cards and control. I sent it and it was not easy, but I felt I needed to for me. I will not allow anyone to take my power away again, its not that I'm mistrusting or not ready to love again its about recognizing my behavior by letting myself down and once again giving someone a piece of me, without him giving back. A nice man and friend gave me a wonderful compliment that i had difficulty seeing myself. He said to me, that I need to see myself like others and that I am a rare gem (I know so nice and that if this guy really cared he would be doing more than occasionally reaching out in text. I need to start believing that, why is it hard to believe? So, maybe that is why I am not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe this guy knew that when he first stopped texting me months ago. But why would he do it again unless to toy with me or fill his egotistical head- I don't know he wouldn't say. However, It is important for me to trust myself and to know that I am stronger, wiser and capable of braving it out on my own. =)