My dad passed away 4 years ago. I have never grieved his death because I was the one that everyone expected to be strong and hold everyone else up. And I did. Now, I'm in therapy, I've had a nervous breakdown and lots of health issues...all because this need to grieve was building and building inside of me and I couldn't get it out. I felt like if I ever started I would never be able to stop. I am a control freak and I couldn't be out of control. I have finally, through therapy, been able to grieve my dad, just recently and I am still grieving. Its really hard. I want to call him and ask a question and I can't. I want to sit in his lap and hug him and kiss him....I never got too big for this, because after all, I was daddy's girl! We were very close. I have gone through anger, that I had to do everything for my dad when he was dying and after his death. Why couldn't somone else done some of it?! Why did I have to do it all? Mostly I have gone through the guilt stage that was eating me up inside. You see, My dad had bought a truck a year before he died. We had always been very poor, so this truck was like new and he was so increadibly proud of it. When dad new he wasn't going to leave the hospital he began to get worried about my mom having something decent to drive. She couldn't drive his truck due to her bad knees and his truck was a straight shift. so, guess who gets to go trade the truck in for mom a decent car? yep, Me! My mom wouldn't even go with me to look for a car.
So I get to the car lot. find a car. and then as I am driving away, I looked in the re-view mirror; and there sits my daddys pride and joy...his truck! And I slowly watched it disapear as I headed down the road back to the hospital. I have always felt like I did something to my dad. I Gave his truck up, something he had always wanted all his life, a nice truck. I know it is a lie, that I was doing what he wanted me to do and in fact told me to do. But it hurt like hell. And I wanted to buy it, but we couldn't afford to. I have always felt such a tremendous guilt for that. And then of course there were the small things, like making the decision to have his arms tied down so he couldn't hurt himself, things like that, I had to do it all, and now, I'm pretty darn mad about it. I don't really hold it against my mom and my brother. They couldn't help how the were able to handle things. But I was daddy's girl. I was the closest to him. And I'm mad because I didn't get to grieve. I'm just mad!
So I get to the car lot. find a car. and then as I am driving away, I looked in the re-view mirror; and there sits my daddys pride and joy...his truck! And I slowly watched it disapear as I headed down the road back to the hospital. I have always felt like I did something to my dad. I Gave his truck up, something he had always wanted all his life, a nice truck. I know it is a lie, that I was doing what he wanted me to do and in fact told me to do. But it hurt like hell. And I wanted to buy it, but we couldn't afford to. I have always felt such a tremendous guilt for that. And then of course there were the small things, like making the decision to have his arms tied down so he couldn't hurt himself, things like that, I had to do it all, and now, I'm pretty darn mad about it. I don't really hold it against my mom and my brother. They couldn't help how the were able to handle things. But I was daddy's girl. I was the closest to him. And I'm mad because I didn't get to grieve. I'm just mad!
My dad had just worked up to 80 years of age until his heart surgery and so on. He was the main caretaker of my mom who has bipolar disorder and demensia and she was so difficult for him to care for with his diabetes and failing health. Yet he waited until the chest pains were so crushing he could not walk across the room and went for angioplast (little knowing he would never go home after that because they ripped his aorta and had quadruple bypass). He paid for the house my brother lived in and helped me a single mom until I got on my feet. He always put others before himself as that was just the way he was. He had bought a new camera before he went into the hospital and made plans to try and make one last trip somewhere with my mom but that never happened. He never left home for more than a few hours at a time because he did not want to leave her alone there.
I was there with the paramedics at 3 am as they tried toi restart his heart and I was there to sign the papers to unplug the ventilator the day he died. I emptied all his things from the nursing home, made all the funeral plans and somehow made it through the funeral. I haev been so busy caring for my mother with all her doctor appts. and needs plus my obligations at home that I have not taken time to grieve either.
I was very close to my dad and a daddy's girl too. I also hated how things were just left up to me, but in hindsight if anything were any less than how I would have wanted it for him than that would not have been acceptable. I had to sell my dad's car too and i hated that because he loved that car. He used to always tell me though that these are just material things and they aren't what really counts.
Maybe your dad chose you to handle some of the details knowing it would be hard on you but also knowing that you are the one he trusted to make sure things were handled right. His trust in you shows how much he loved and believed in you.
Like the others have said you did the best you could have done and your dad very much appreciated that. Also that you do need to take care of you too. Do something relaxing for yourself and don't be afraid to talk to anyone who might be able to offer you the support you are needing right now.