You are. Your suffacating in your grief. I think sometimes we find some kind of strange comfort in grief. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out. Sometimes there is a danger in what feels familiar and comfortable. There is an illusion of safety when you get used to something.
In the beginning of your grief, the pain is all you are.The despair is your connection with your Dad. This is understandable and even expected. However, you begin to identify yourself as nothing more than a grieving person. There is more to you than grief, but if you cover your wisdom, compassion, rationality, talents and gifts with the shroud of grief, it becomes all comsuming.
Outside of this covering lies a new normal role in life and that is frightening. One fear is that we will forget our Dads. Another fear is that we will not find new purpose in our life or not be able to meet the task of going on in your new role. Validate these fears - they are to be expected. However, part of the illusion of the comfortable is that you will be alone if you take off the shroud.
Consider this: comfort, courage, support and wisdom are blocked when you are covered with grief. Your responsibility to your Dad is to make the effort in this difficult time in your life.
Uncover the life that IS and release what is no more. Along with your life, you uncover all the sparks from your Dad. The gifts exchanged during your relationship in this world left sparks in your soul and in the spirit of your Dad. Only when you emerge from under the shroud can the sparks reconnect.
You need to allow yourself to loose control. It won't overtake you. Send the kids to a sitter for the weekend and set yourself up with lots of tissues, scrapebooks, anything you need to say goodbye. (I have to admit, my goodbye was only to his bodily presence, I still talk to my Dad everytime I hear my windchimes blow) Once I went through the big breakdown, which happened almost 5 months after my Dads death, I felt alot better. I still have rollercoaster moments, but I do notice a big difference in my grief process. Grief does not have a common timeline. It is most important to remember that you are the one who understands your grief, no one else. Listen to the voice within you and let that be your guide. Don't forget to breathe. Big hug, Marge

Thanks for posting this letting go. It seems I am doing a very similar battle as it has just about 6months. My dad passed on 2/10/08 and I felt like I got hit by a mac truck at the 6month mark. It came out of no where and didn't even realize it was 6months.

Thanks Marge for your response and am going to copy your post into my journal to read again later if/when needed. Thanks to both of you.
Deb

My Dad passed 14th May 2007. I haven't broken down and lost control at all. All my grief tears are still locked up deep inside me. they may never come out, but I have been on the rollercoaster ride and am still on it. I have my good and bad days, bad days leave me feeling breathless, good days I smile and talk to my Dad.
You can't make yourself feel or do anything until your mind has dealt with the loss of such an important person in your life. The mind will only give you as much as you can deal with today, tomorrow may be different but for today you are dealing with and reacting to as much as you can handle.
I'm not saying that I or you, or any of us are in denial.....far from it.....we are dealing with a little bit more each day, we are feeling a little more each day....
Life now is not like it was, our anchor is gone, our best and most trusted friend is gone.... slowly a little at a time we are learning new ways to live, new ways to make choices, new ways to smile....
there's no magic way to do it, ...... a minute at a time we slowly learn....don't force the tears, don't force the smiles, just be you, do what you do best, be the daughter your Dad loved...and he will smile at you even if you can't see him, he will whisper he loves you on the gentle breeze.... sounds sappy and corny???
its my way of feeling my Dad around me, that gentle breeze is a soft kiss on the cheek, a whispered word of love...a blooming flower or the sun bursting through the clouds is his smile....
((((((hugs)))))
do it your way ..... its the only way to take the rollercoaster ride we are on

It's very painful, and I don't think there's any way around it. I was also having to be a support to my Mum and brother, but when I would get in the car for the 1 hour drive home, I would cry the whole way. My drive home became my time to grieve. I couldn't hold it in like you. I don't know how you do it!!! It's such a relief to let it out.

I know it's difficult to allow yourself to let go and grieve when you are the rock for your family. In order to get through your grieving in a healthy manner, you need to allow yourself to "let go" and grieve. Whatever or however that may be. I've done so by crying, listening to music, reflecting on moments with my dad or putting together a scrapbook of my dad and his "legacy". I have found that as the months have gone on and the numbness has wore off, i feel more of the pain, loss, emptiness and just plain missing my dad. I will allow myself one hour a day at most to just let go and "grieve" in whatever way presents itself at that given moment. Sometimes it's just talking about my dad to my husband. I have found doing this helps. It's painful but we need to go through that as part of our healing. Remember, there is no timeline to your grieving and no right or wrong way. Do make sure that you're allowing yourself that time to grieve and not just be there for everyone else.

Hi, I do not believe I will ever be ready to let go of my dad. Today on his birthday, as we released a dove for him we played his favorite song that was played at his funeral (April 20-08) , I can only imagine, the tears came down, even though I tried to stay strong for mom and my kids. It takes time I know. But the hurt stays for years. I only know this because I buried a daughter years ago of crib death. I hope you can find peace in someway. I keep myself busy when things bother me, it helps some. I just found this web-site today. Wish I would have found it before.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice, thoughts & encouragement. I am just now able to respond to you. As I'm just getting the time.I've not yet been able to let go. I have been missing my Dad so much. I want to call him for comfort of hearing his voice, to have him tell me that things will work out, that it gets better... then I realize that he's not here... He was the one person who truely understood me!! It hurts sooooo much not to have him!!
Thanks again for all your support!

It's still very early days. I'm so very sorry that he's not there. He sounded lovely and you did him proud. I know of the feeling of being the strong one, but, sometimes you need to talk or shout or cry. I lost my mum over 24 years ago and I still havn't let her go, but, why do we have too? Who said that it is wrong? I lost my dad just over two years ago and although I loved him and I miss him, I still don't miss him as much as mum. Does that mean I'm a bad person? No. Please don't be hard on yourself, and please cry, shout, scream, it's your right and you'd be surprised of how many people understand. Keep safe and well. Hugs to you. Peace.