I feel frustration as the day gets away from me, driving from store to store on my quest for perishables on my grandmother's list; one store is out of her favorite Glucose-Control Boost, so I drive to another, as the sun continues its journey, higher, and higher in the sky, my chest tightening in exasperation.
I comfort myself by thinking, at least, I'm not driving my own car on this goose chase, I'm borrowing one. Mine's in the shop. I find small pleasure in the sticker-new, smelly-new car as I pull in to the old market, one of my stops, where my ex-fiancee used to work.
Or so I thought, used to. Could he really still be here, after all these years?
Running in to old acquaintances, a new dimension is added when it's an ex-fiancee, it's someone you came nail-bitingly close to devoting the rest of your life to, a flame, that was extinguished at an 11th hour ... well, not quite after the invites were sent out but somewhere after all the deposits could not be refunded. As I climb out of the beautiful new car I think I hear his voice ... somewhere, behind a delivery truck.
My aim is clear towards the back of the store to fetch grandma's favorite yogurt, and then, I'm out. The ex breezes past and I think, "don't look at me. don't look at me." but he stops ... in that moment it is cold, not just from to open cooler door, and the plastic container, but I freeze. A million thoughts go through my head ... some of them friendly.

Nothing really bothered me this week, although I am concerned for the apple trees in the neighbours garden that have never been pruned, they are such massive fruit producers and the ground is carpeted with rotten apples, all the leaves have fallen and the branches of one tree particularly is like speghetti junction. One wonders if the soil will turn acid with all the apples that fall and rot year after year, this year the weather wasn't very warm, and even though I did use a waspinator, anticipating the visitation of loads of wasps as the fruit starts to decay, I did not see many wasps, either the waspinator worked or the weather was just too cold. My concern is they may have to chop the trees down as they are diseased there is a side of me that feels quite sad about that.

Old memories coming to my mind are giving me pause. My belief is that the triggering event is self-healing exercises I am using on my hands. As I perform the exercises I can feel the pain stirring and as I attempt to release the pain, the trapped memories surface then and during the following days. I allow myself to re-experience the emotions, thoughts and impressions, then I give myself permission to release them out of my body. Which sounds very good in theory, but there is an emotional residue that lingers, leaving me slightly depressed. I'm finding this is a slow process as I give myself the time needed to recover from this intentional stirring and, trusting in the process, I am holding on to the belief that the end result will be a lighter, healthier me.