Just needed to talk about how my husband went home. Aneurysm. When you hear the word you imagine sudden death. You picture the person up and walking around and suddenly falling to the floor, their life over just that quickly. Although this happens sometimes, their is another picture, another story. You see my husband made it to the emergency room before it happened. I'm an ex-nursing student(never graduated because it wasn't quite the career I wanted) who always tell people that they should see a doctor whenever in doubt.

On Monday three weeks ago, my husband called me from his job at a hospital( he was in Information technology) and complained up nausea. He'd had a headache for over a week but we thought it was from recent dental work. Anyway, he wanted me to pick him up and bring him home. I told him to go to the ER which he reluctantly did. I arrived about a half hour later and he was surprised to see me. He actually thought that I wouldn't come until much later as I had an appointment with someone.

I remember telling him that of course I canceled the appointment, I wanted to be with him. At that time he was sitting up in a bed in the ER. He complained of a headache and a bad stomach ache. The nurse gave him medication and ordered a CT scan of his stomach. He started feeling better almost immediately and we sat talking in general about things. At one point he told me that he was now willing to make a committment to his health. I'd always accused him of not caring about caring for himself. He lived on junk and got only two hours sleep most nights due to his workaholic nature.

An hour passed and we were told the CT scan had been put off as he was not considered an emergency. The nurse checked his vital signs and discovered he had very high blood pressure. My husband explained sheepishly that he'd returned to his salt loving ways. I'd discovered his high blood pressure about a year ago and changed our diet, sucessfully bringing his blood pressure under control without medication. He also said he'd been drinking lots of coffee and that he beleived his stomach pain was due to that. Nearly ten years ago he'd ended up in the hospital for an ulcer and the doctor had said it was due to his heavy coffee consumption. It made since that the pain he now felt was due to that. Or so we thought.

I remember sitting by his bed, both of us thanking God that he wasn't like that pour soul who'd been brought in on trauma--the person who'd ended up pushing everyone else back for the CT scan.

After about an hour, the pain came back. My husband asked me to ask the nurse for more pain medication. I did and returned to his bed to wait. My husband fell asleep, snoring loudly. Everything seemed normal. He woke up, and spoke to me again. For some reason I can't remember what he said, but he still seemed normal. I sat by his bed reading from my kindle. I'd just downloaded a book on damage to the brain and how it affects our abilities. A blow to the head can leave you without emotions, blind, unable to speak, or even unable to speak in any coherent language. I sat there reading this just before my life changed.

It was late afternoon, and I told my husband that I would go to the cafeteria for something to eat. I didn't offer to bring anything back to him just in case. I remember feeling that I would lose him over the last year. I put that memory to the side and headed to the cafeteria.

On my return I discovered he was not in his bed. There was a bathroom there and the door was closed. I never considered he could be in there. I figured he was getting his CT scan and sat down to eat my salad.

I thought I heard a sound, but it's a hospital and my hearing is not very good. I ignored it and continued to eat. A few minutes a man opened the door to the bathroom and there was my husband, lying in a pool of blood, having his his head. I became hysterical, calming down quickly when I remembered that head wounds bleed alot and look worse than they are. He was moaning so I started calming him down, telling him he would be okay. They rushed him out of there, taking him to trauma, me following numbly. Later they had me to wait in the ER.

I sat there, staring ahead, every sound amplified in my mind. I felt the chill of death, but I ignored it. You see we rent an apartment and the lease was up for renewal. They'd asked us to sign the lease for the past two monhs. I'd told my husband that I didn't see us there. I'd hoped to God that I was wrong, but the more that I looked back, the more I remembered the feelings that each day may be our last, well I knew in my heart that it was over, that my worse nightmare had just happened. Still I hoped and then a minister appeared.

In a hospital, when things look bad, they always send a minister to comfort you. This kindly man sat next to me and told me that he just happened to be passing by my husband's room and thought he'd see how I was doing. He managed to get me back there to see my husband. At this point my husband was lying in bed, his eyes open groaning in deep pain. I started to comfort him. Then the nausea took over and they got me out of there.

I went back to the waiting room and called his daughter, telling her to get there as quickly as possible. A half hour later they told me that the CT scan revealed two brain aneurysms.

Subarachnoid Hemmorahge. Can you live through it? Yes. But who is the person who comes back. Remember the article I read about brain injury: blindness, paralysis, no emotions, A person could come back with no memory of their life, no ability to feed themselves, talk, walk, read, intellect severly impaired. They could come back violent, hateful. All things are controled by the brain. The survivors face these issues. An aneurysm is life altering. MY husband had very clear ideas of what is life. He wouldn't want to live like that. He wouldn't want his daughter and grandkids to see him as anything but the kind, loving man he was. Still, I wanted him to have a chance.

The next two weeks was filled with surgery, angiograms. 50 percent of aneurysms never reach the hospital. Another 25 die within the first few weeks, and the rest--well there life would never be the same.

I remember thinking would the man I love, love me. Would he hate the woman who'd so much wanted him to live at all cost. Daily, the doctors called: can we put in another shunt. Can we operate on this or that. And finally the discoverey that he had a rare aneurysm in his stomach as well. They'd also found a suspicious spot on hs spleen. God was calling him home but I wasn't ready, and most importantly, his daughter wasn't ready.

At 28 I watched his daughter sitting there, her eyes wide. I'd had warning from the Lord, a whisper in the ear that I was about to lose the love of my life, but she'd had no warning. Now, I wanted to be there for her in my husban's final days.

During this time, the doctors wouldn't tell us what to expect. They'd only said they were waiting. I knew they spoke the truth. You see, when it comes to the brain, they really don't know what controls what. It's not like the heart where you know exactly how it works. Everyone is different. So the doctors don't tell you anything.

My step-daughter had so much hope. She had a lot to lose. With two children and her deep love for her father, she wanted her kids to see him. But I saw a darker life ahead. Whereas she saw a man waking up in the hospital, and coming back to her whole. But the damage to the brain was too much. A aneurysm is a destroyer. The mere fact of the blood in the brain causes damage. It's a syndrome called "Angry Brain" that when chemicals are released by it that causes something vasospams which lead to strokes and consequently to death of portions of the brain. This is what was happening to my husband.

At first he could move his limbs, breath on his own, open his eyes, but when his eyes open he stared straight ahead. He couldn't move on command, just spontaneous. One week later even that stopped and he lay motionlessly in bed. Two days later they pronounced him brain dead.

Now, I sit and think about the life we would have had--travel, walks on the beach, sitting and watching old movies. Then I think of the one the aneurysm would have provided--dependency, brain damage so bad that he would't know anything.

A friend of mine told me of an aneurysm survivor. The man was once kind, but when he woke up he couldn't remember being an adult. He still thought he was ten years old even though he was in his thirties. he didn't recognize his mother and believe they were lying to him. He was prone to violent outburst. Eventually, he had to be put in a nursing home where he's remained for the past 15 years.

God had a better place for my husband.