I pray I will receive some comments because our family desperately needs it right now. If I were to give our situation one word it is...we're breaking into pieces. For years, my husband and I have sat in denial and hoped and prayed we were not in the situation we're in, but tonight we can't be in denial any longer as my husband just wants to give up. He was always the one convincing me our daughter was maturing and would figure all of this out, but tonight he actually said - "I think we're not the right parents for our daughter. I think she needs to go into an institutional, behavioral school or foster care." He even said, "I hate to admit it and I am going to regret saying this someday, but I hate being her father. There is no joy any longer being her father." What do you do with these comments? There is no win no matter where we turn. For our daughter to be in another situation I believe is a death sentence for her that she'll never be able to overcome, but in contrast I also know we can't live the way we're living. Since we're new to this blog, below tells a little more of my family's story and what we fear moving forward....

For years, we prayed and prayed to be parents. We had a few miscarriages and then decided to go into the adoption process. It took almost two years for us to receive the call which we knew would change our lives. The call we had been waiting for; which was the news we had a birth mother who was interested in us as her child's adopted parents. I can't even express how excited we were to finally be parents. I had all of these dreams for my daughter and our realtionship. After the call, it then took three months more for our beautiful daughter to be born. At the hospital, we had learned the birth mother had not been a regular user but had taken cocaine and crack during the pregnancy. However, the doctor was hopeful as Ryley had no symptoms of drug usage at the hospital. Actually, her first year of life was very smooth. We continued to brag what a good baby we had. She slept right away through the night, was very curious, smiled a lot, loved to be cuddled, was fine having different people hold her, etc. She hardly ever cried. The only concern we had early on was her weight, but eventually her pediatrician said Ryley is who she is and was not worried due to her development. Developmentally Ryley has always been off the curve with her weight since she weighs about nothing, but she is very strong, outgoing, smart, active, and for most of the developmental milestones has been way ahead of the curve. She goes to a gifted and talented school now because she is very bright; which I've heard is common for children with ADHD. The problems began to occur around 5 years old. At first, we thought it was the teacher because she had gone to a preschool since she was 1 yrs. old and every grade she did well and the teachers loved her until kindergarten where we were constantly being called to pick her up. Then Ryley started first grade at a new school and the transition was a disaster. This is when Ryley was finally diagnosed with ADHD and placed on medication. We fought meds for awhile, but eventually realized we needed to try all routes. We had this smart child who could not focus and didn't care to focus. For awhile, we thought the meds and the meal plan we have her on (eg. no dyes, preservatives, etc.) were a miracle solution. I still think the meds and the food help a lot, but they have not helped with Ryley's anger, frustration, or her impulses. The denial and hard part of this story is Ryley can go long lengths of time and be a caring, fun, happy child, but then we get these phases where she is impossible to parent. We do have to work on items I have read about in the articles about ODD around consistent punishments and rewarding the good behaviors. Although, I must say we are very good at telling Ryley when she's doing good. We love to reward her. We spend a lot of time with her. We read together every night, every weekend try to do something fun as a family, and travel a lot together. The problem is when Ryley has her explosions. This may sound like an excuse, but there is no way to rationalize with Ryley even though she is 7 1/2 yrs. old. I am her main target during these blow ups, but her father has also endured the abuse. She will scream at the top of her lungs, kick, slam doors, pinch me, throw things, and just refuse to do whatever we want her to do nomatter what punishment we provide. Later on she will be empathetic and say she's sorry, but she cannot administer any of the calming techniques or to manage her behavior when she's in the moment. I try all of the behavioral mgt. rules  I read about - eg. one warning and then saying we will adminster the punishment, but this technique does not deter Ryley. She will still continue to charge at me and tell me how much she hates me. As I've read from other parents, the littlest things can set Ryley off (eg. cutting her apple that she decides she doesn't want cut), so, it is very, very hard. 

Below is where we struggle the most:

1) How do you know when to push or not? A good example was tonight. We were singing before going to bed and like every other night I say how many songs we'll have a chance to sing due to the time. I have Ryley pick so many songs and I do the same. At the end of her songs tonight, Ryley said she had changed her mind and wanted to sing another song that she had not chosen. I told Ryley we couldn't sing another song because it was late but she could choose the song tomorrow and this caused a huge erruption. The problem is our daughter is smart and she knows how to manipulate situations, so, never know what is the right direction. What goes through my mind is...I don't want Ryley to be an adult and manipulate situations (which could be really, really bad for society if Ryley thinks she'll get what she wants if only she reacts), but on the other hand also want to know how to pick my battles since tonight was an insane scenario over an extra song.

2) The loss of Ryley's potential and sadly our dreams for her. It sucks because both ADHD and ODD continues to impact her life so much! A good example is her gymnastics. When she was four, her teacher at school who also happened to be a gymnastics coach said Ryley should join gymnastics since at 4 she was coordinated, flexible, and strong. The teacher told me she hardly ever crossed the two jobs, but said she saw real talent in Ryley. Ryley overall has done well in gymnastics, but again being able to focus is a huge issue. An issue where she knows certain skills, but her hyperactivity and focus keeps Ryley back. Right now the scenario doesn't seem to bother Ryley because she loves gymnastics, but it's tough as a parent to witness. Admittingly, I am somewhat a perfectionist which I know only exasperates these scenarios and something I need to work on, but again to see Ryley be so smart (smarter than I was at her age) and such a good athlete but not be able to excel is heartbreaking. Luckily, the teachers understand Ryley and she is doing ok with her grades and we know she is learning, but Ryley does not have internal motivation to succeed. What makes it worse is I have a brother with a daughter who is the same age as Ryley and a niece and nephew who are a lot older than Ryley, but all three of them work hard, do well, and of course don't have the behavioral issues we have with Ryley.

3) Being honest about Ryley's behaviors. To be completely transparent, I have not been 100% honest with my family (Mom, Dad, and siblings) or friends about our child because I am ashamed of her behaviors and sad we live the life we live. Typically in public or when visiting my family, Ryley does fine. She may have some small issues, but nothing like she has at home. I just keep hoping Ryley will grow out of this stage, but like many of you reading this blog - I am skeptical this will occur. The hard part is - I always dreamed of the family I would have and the type of parent I'd be and now it is like a bomb has dropped into my life. I even write children's books and get concerned of the impact all of this craziness will have on this passion of mine. What will people think when they say - you have this defiant child and yet you write for children?

4) Keeping our faith. Both my husband and I are rooted in our faith, but sometimes I ask God - how much do you really think I can handle? I ask...Why have us wait so long to have a child (after 10 yrs. of marriage) and give us a child who is so difficult? Everyone around us has these amazing children and we are constantly struggling. 

5) Losing our childhood values. Of course, Phil and I both had times where we got in trouble growing up, but it's nothing like our lives with Ryley. She does and says things I would never have said or done to my parents. Phil says what's the worst is there's times he actually wishes bodily harm onto her, but of course he does not react to these emotions, but he is afraid if this continues he will have no choice but to spank her. This is the reason he says she may need to go somewhere else then within our household. He said these reactions are not him, but it's turning him into this monster. My husband who was a very funny, funny man when I met him is not as funny anymore. I just don't know what to do. Honestly, I don't believe anyone else could be better parents for Ryley. We love her. We wished for her for so long. This whole scenario is seriously how I would describe hell. 

6) Fear of the future. I can't believe I'm writing this on paper, but fear both for my daughter and society as she grows up. She's only 7 1/2 right now, but will Ryley end up in prison? Will Ryley hurt me or someone else? I see all of these gun shootings and get concerned. Ryley is not quiet or shut-down like many of the gun shooting stories, but also fear for her ability to process and manage emotions along with her defiance towards discipline. She knows right and wrong, but not sure Ryley filters her emotions or cares. Ryley is impulsive from the ADHD and gets in trouble for the same things: hording snacks, hiding and bringing toys to school (which they don't want her to do because of her focus issues), and Ryley has lately gotten into worse behaviors such as stealing gum from the grocery store. Nomatter how angry we get or what we say or do - it hasn't stopped her. Ryley just gets mad when she gets caught and, of course, reacts extremely to any consequence. Of course, there is fear now. We want to be able to move Ryley to a new neighborhood and school next year, but will this be feasible? Will police ever come to our home because Ryley screams so loud? Can Ryley be a productive citizen in society?

7) Parenting in general. What is driving me crazy is my husband does not buy into everything I am reading about ODD. His answer to everything is it's about poor parenting. Although, I know we need help and can learn as parents - I do think ODD is real. Phil agrees that there is something mentally happening with Ryley, but he doesn't think therapy, counseling, or a psychiatrist will help. I agree the one counselor we went to about two years ago was not a good fit. Ryley knew how to manipulate the situation, so, the Counselor would say nothing is wrong. Honestly, I still don't know what the answer is because a therapist truly needs to live with us to understand what's happening; which I don't believe is an option, but I also know we can't do nothing and assume anything will improve. UGH!!!!

Ok, this email is long enough and this is all I can think of right now, but appreciate your support or words of wisdom. Even better, if you live in Denver, CO. or the surrounding areas - do you know anyone or any organizations that would be God-sent for us. Again, we're breaking apart into pieces and I want to get us whole again. I want my happy child back.