I’ve been a compulsive liar for as long as I can remember but I didn’t learn this until last night. Lying has always been something I’ve struggled with whether it be small things to make myself sound more interesting or big things to try and obtain the attention I feel I need. I have hated myself for all of my teen/adult life and I have used lies as a coping mechanism to make myself seem like the person I want myself to be to get the love from people I know I don’t deserve. About two years ago I moved cities and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had. They’ve supported me and loved me through every problem real or fake. Unfortunately this didn’t stop my constant need to lie however much I hoped it would and if anything it got worse than it ever has been. I suffer from quite bad depression, anxiety and ptsd and a lot of the lies I have told have been because I’m struggling and I thought that people wouldn’t take me seriously so the voice in the back of my head tells me to make something up or add to something true to make it more serious so that I get the support I need. This is not me trying to use my mental illness as an excuse to get forgiveness or sympathy as I truly believe I should get what I deserve for all the lies I’ve told but in all honesty, it’s the only reasoning I have at the moment. Some of the lies I have told have been small and harmless and others not so much and honestly when I’m doing it I don’t actually think of the consequences or even realise what I’m doing, it’s not until hours or even days later when you’re lying in bed with the guilt eating away at you that you understand how damaging this is especially now as you have to make up new lies to keep that lie a float. A couple of days ago after a series of random events 3 of my closest friends in the world found out about my lies, one being my best friend who I currently live with. Last night I came home from work and she very rightly confronted me about what I had done. She was incredible and understanding and supportive and after the first five minutes of the conversation I realised there was no point trying to deny any of it and just come clean. This is someone who I love and care for more than I can put into words and they’re saying they’re willing to stand by me and get me the help I need to beat what I have learnt today is an addiction. The other two friends are from separate friendship groups and no doubt by now the rest of the groups know, which I obviously do not blame anyone for at all, but that’s just something I’m not quite ready to face just yet. After the conversation we both told each other that we loved each other as we were going to make a plan to fix this problem and honestly I felt relieved. Being this person is not what I want and lying to the people I love is not something I enjoy, I do not sit at home thinking of things to lie about and I think that’s something that’s very misunderstood about this illness is it’s not something I ever think about until it’s too late. I went upstairs and lay in bed and for the first time in my life I thought about the logistics of suicide. Obviously I’ve thought about killing myself thousands of times before and even tried it once but this time I genuinely tried to work out the logistics of it, who would pay my debt, what would happen to my friend and the house, could my parents afford my funeral and flights to England. Once you put it like that it’s very easy to work out why it’s a bad idea because not only are you hurting the people you love mentally you’re hurting them in other ways too. I sat up until 6am with a mix of emotions but most of all I was relieved. I was proud of my friend for confronting me and reacting as graciously as she did and I was proud of myself for not putting up a fight. It’s been 22 years of knowing I had this problem for whatever reason but always being able to find a way out of it but last night I realised how much was really at stake if I didn’t just own up to what was happening. My only problem now is I have no idea where I go from here. I know I need therapy and I know I need medication but mentally I think this is my rock bottom. I have hated myself for many years but this is something different, I loathe myself now, every second I think about what I’ve done I realise how much I don’t deserve the forgiveness I’ve been shown so far. I want to be better, I want to do better not only for her and everyone else I love but also for myself, I don’t want to be this person anymore but honestly I don’t know how to do that. I know those that are important and that love me will stand by me and help me get through this but it’s just going to be a very difficult process. I’m glad I’ve been caught out because it gives me an opportunity to start my life again, I just hope everyone can be as understanding and forgiving as the best friend I have been blessed with. I have read that the first step to over coming a problem is to accept that you’ve got one, I whole heartedly accept it, now I just need help.