For over the past 20+ years (maybe even longer) I have been a “compulsive gambler.” That is a term that was given to me however, in reality it is a weak excuse as I am in full control of all of my deliberate and hurtful actions. I remember when my daughter was a child and either I or my mother would buy her something. I would then a day or so later return those items to get the money to spend or to gamble. When my daughter would look for the items I would tell her, “Oh, you must have misplaced them,” or I would convince her that she must have thrown the items out. This has occurred numerous times. At first it would be clothes, then later on it turned into more expensive items like her IPad (a gift that she won at her job.) I literally had the nerve to tell her that she or my mother had thrown the IPad in the garbage but in reality I had pawned it to get some quick and easy cash.

There has been countless times where I have written falsified checks pretending to be my mother and taking money out of her account. I would go through the drive through of her bank (a small bank with very minimal security provisions) and pretend to be her. I would steal her checkbook and ID sometimes (not needing the ID – that’s how relaxed this bank was). I would take her debit card and withdrawn hundreds of dollars out of her account. When I got paid I would spend my entire check in a matter of hours and because I am a coward would go missing for days. This happened countless times where I would leave for work on a Friday, and not return until the wee hours of Monday. My mother and daughter were at first worried and concerned. Had I gotten into a car accident? Was I assaulted or even worse – had someone killed or abducted me? I remember when I went on one of my disappearing acts and my daughter was in 6^th grade. This was a very tumultuous time as my daughter was coming of age and I was absent. I was so deep into myself and my money issues that my daughter began to lash out on me and hold resentment against my mother. My mother is a strong woman that loves me deeply. I have and continue to take advantage of her especially now that she is elderly. I’ve gone on several weekend “binges” to the point where it became a common trend. This happened from the late 1990’s all the way through the mid-2000’s (roughly around the time I left CSU).

Once I left CSU my income decreased significantly and the job I have now doesn’t adequately cover my selfish habit. I’ve created numerous credit cards in my daughter’s name – setting her up for financial failure. I actually was the cause of her not receiving one of her first job offers out of college because they ran a credit check (the job was in financial services) and saw her poor credit history. No fault of her own – actually she did not know that these accounts existed however, once the potential employer alerted her she took immediate action to remedy her accounts and her credit. I also remember a time where I was able to steal my daughter’s pay check she earned from one of her first summer internships where she was making good money. This actually caused us to get into a physical fight – again where she was impacted and not really me.

I can go on and on about how I have (and continue to) rob and steal from my family. I have stolen money that my mother has collected for fundraising efforts for church. If there was any cash in the house and I knew about it I was going to get it. My mother continues to hide money from me because she knows that if I find it she’ll never see it again.

Most recently I tried to take $10,000 out of my daughter’s 401K however, I was unsuccessful because she wisely has her accounts locked down and was immediately alerted and contacted and was able to intercede before the check was issued. This is why she did not want me to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. She was so hurt and disgusted with me. I was able to steal a little over $1,500 from her HSA account. This was done in $500 increments beginning in 2016. I have (and continue to) harm my daughter which has the possibility of affecting her personally and professionally. Her HSA account was to be used for only medical expenses and I stole her card and created a pin number for ATM withdraws. Oh, and in December 2017 I attempted to write a check for $300 from my mother’s account. She now banks with a more secure banker and was notified of the attempted withdrawal so unfortunately, I was unable to get those funds.

I own nothing and have nothing. The house I live in is my daughter’s – yes, the same daughter that I continue to hurt. The same daughter that is trying to do something with her life. The same daughter that continues to beat all odds. The same daughter who is frustrated with me. The same daughter that I ask to give me $20 almost every time I see her although I know that I have (and continue to) rob her of thousands of dollars. I have no car. The car that I have is my elderly mother’s. She lets me drive it to work and I use it really to do what I want. I have no credit. I have no bank account. I have no savings. The only two people in this world that I’m closet to I continue to do wrong. I have been blessed to have a strong mother and daughter – I am not half the woman that they are. They have shielded and protected me and I continue to treat them like dirt. I continue to cause hurt, disappointment and division. I am the reason why my daughter and I have a strained relationship. I am not worthy to be her mother – she truly deserves better. I cause so much stress and worry to my mother. She is in her mid-80’s and her heart is weak and yet I continue to trouble her. I know that if she leaves this earth before me I will have nothing. She now depends on me because of her age and I continue to take advantage of her. She can’t trust me to handle her financial affairs. My daughter doesn’t trust me to be in her house alone because she knows I will rummage through her drawers. When she visits she makes sure that her purse and wallet are within eyesight.

I am writing this public confession because it is time for me to live in my truth and be real with who I am as a person. Yes, I love God and I ask for forgiveness each and every day. But I also continue to rob and steal, and scheme on how to get more money each and every day so I really do not know if I am being sincere with God. I am a sinner like we all are but my sin is impacting the only people that I have in this world. I pray for continued strength for my daughter. She has taken action to protect herself (and possibly prosecute me). She has held this burden for most of her life. Wow, for most of her life she has lived in disappointment and held this secret. In my narcissism and arrogance I continue to try to communicate with my daughter and beg for a mother/daughter relationship. When she lets me in I always mess up. Her heart has grown cold towards me and yet I still come and pretend that I have done nothing wrong.  My mother has more years behind her than that are in front of her and yet I continue to be her biggest heartache. Please continue to pray for me as I continue to pray for you.