I dont know if anyone is still comes here anymore, but here it goes.  Ive been through so much and even though it was so long ago its still hard to deal with.  I freak out sometimes and I feel so embarrased about it but I cant do anything about it.  Sometimes I feel like everyones talking about me and making fun of me or trying to make me feel threatened or scolded or harrassed.  Thats probably because people have done that to me so many times I cant remember.  I was physically and mentally abused for about the first two decades of my life. I was also trapped with parents who neglected and mentally abused me in my late teens.  Trapped and neglected as in living in the basement and them getting mad every time I came upstairs, no having any local friends or just about loosing them because we lived somewhere that was a hassle to drive out of and they would never take me out or let me come with them.  I was also mentally abused in school and made to feel like the lowest one there.  I have so much anger about it and sometimes I just feel so helpless to stand up for myself or make it stop or just get away from it.  I was also mentally abuse at my jobs a lot.  I just cant stand crying and people looking at me, it takes every fiber of my being not to. My dad is narc bp disorder and I havent talked to him in about six years. He was also very violent depending on the meds he was off or on.  I try not let people get me down but its so hard.  I work in retail and it feels like just anyone can come and 'give you a spanking whenever they want to' and sometimes I just cant take it anymore.  I know I cant run away and being a coward is not an option.  I work a better job in the store now and dont have to deal with people much or nitpicked.  Ive just been treated with such cruelty and such hatred I feel like responding with such.  I never know when someone is going to turn on me and hurt me.  I had someone on my team be mean to me and I went off on them thinking I would have to fight tooth and nail just to prove that I was worth something and I didnt deserve to be treated like that and all she did was apologize and tell me how much she wanted another girl on the team as she was the only one.  I realized no one had really genuinly apologized to me or treated me like a person for so long after being rude or mean.  It was like having a fight in kindergarten and making up with your best friend.  I feel like I live in such a different world than others.  My husbands family is wonderful, but I feel like just the smallest thing is going to upset them, although I know it wont.  I feel bad for not being perfect.  I wish I could just be calm and not feel attacked or feel embarrassed just because people are laughing or talking about something quietly(I live in the gossipy south and in a small town too).  Its so damn hard sometimes cause everybody knows everything about you and will openly talk and say stuff about you even though your sitting at the next table.  Sometimes I hear people talking a short distance away and catch a word or two and my mind starts to fill in the blanks like theyre talking about me and it hurts my feelings so bad.  They dont even have to be talking about me.  Itll just send me home bawling my eyes out.  I feel like I could deal with things a little better if I could talk about it, but I barely can to anyone.