CodependentSupportGroup Community Group
a group to learn about codependency and help support each other in healthy ways.
I don't know if I'm in the right forum, but this sitch feels like codependency to me.
I am 53 and have a friend about ten years my senior. I've known her for roughly three years; we once lived in the same building together, a run-down residential hotel (I was semi-homeless after my father died in 2009 and I lost our home a year later). After I finaly got on SSI in fall 2012 I eventually got a decent place to live again. My friend moved out also, but has moved from place to place constantly
and can't seem to get into anything really decent or get settled anywhere.
This lady and I each have various physical/emotional/health issues (we're both bipolar, for instance—she's BP I and I'm BP II ). Probably because of our own personal problems, not to mention our economic difficulties, we became friends and looked after each other, giving each other things, sharing food and all. At the same time there was a constant tense dynamic, with the woman constantly demanding (not actually ASKING) various favors, calling me and texting me several times a day, even when I was at work; bossing me around; and there were even fights over the most inane things. Not that I'm a saint---I would get impatient with her at times and even defensive when I felt like she “barked” at me or something.
Even after I came to stay with my niece, then eventually moved to my own place, she has continued to want favors from me. As of this writing I am often busy with various things, and also live too far away from her to visit her often. I have tried to make her understand this, but I'm not always sure if she does.
What's happening right now is this: she has asked (sort of) that I stay in her trailer and: watch her dog (I'm not allowed to have them where I live or I would gladly take the animal home), take in her mail, and keep an eye on furniture she has sitting outside. She has to stay with her daughter and watch the grandkids while their father is away visiting his mom, and she's also had medical tests to take. Although I understand her situation entirely, I'm not at all comfortable about the arrangement. The trailer is run-down (as are all the trailers in her park) and full of old cigarette smoke (I am a non-smoker); the neighborhood is “iffy”, with noisy neighbors to boot; and it's roughly a three to four-block walk in every direction to the nearest bus stops---which is torture in this heat. Not to mention, the last person she left to watch this place got bedbugs everywhere and we're both still fighting them off and nursing bites.
In all fairness, she did say that I don't have to be here 24/7, that I can go back home now and then but to make sure the cooler is on for the dog and it has fresh water and papers. And, there is food here in the house (which I'm short on until I get paid). I could likely adapt better if the bus stop were closer, since I'm a tired and sweaty mess by the time I finally get there and I don't dare be in this neighborhood after dark.
The main part of the problem, however: I am a volunteer with my church, which includes assisting a grief support group, helping with church services at nursing homes, reading at Mass and other activities. I've also helped watch my own neighbor's place and taken care of my landlady's cat (no problem at all since I live behind her and the animal likes to visit anyway). I feel that in order to do the house-sitting/dog-sitting for my friend, I've had to take time away from other people who need me as badly, if not more. Since I do not drive and some of the people who could give me rides either live too far off or will be on vacation shortly, I am forced to make the long walk to the bus stop in order to get back to my place when I need to. I do this anyway because I'm getting stir-crazy and missing my home, and feeling that it's not good for my health to spend too much time in the trailer. Since the lady wants me to stay here for about three weeks, then the occassional trips back home are keeping me sane.
As I mentioned earlier, many times I have told my friend how busy I am, and am struggling to set up healthy boundaries with her. And I do mean struggling---I either end up being “the martyr” and doing the favor or going off because I'm feeling taken for granted. People always tell me “just say no”, but I don't always feel I'm in a position where I can do this.
I am watching over the woman's dog because it gets homesick when away and won't eat; also, the grandchildren play rough and one grandson picked up the animal and hurt it, even though my friend had told him to leave the dog alone. So she feels the dog will be better off at her home. She's also worried about being robbed while she's gone or something happening to her mail. Besides all this, however, she has asked me to do several other things, like maintain her Facebook account, help her find a place, etc., etc. After she texted me yesterday morning asking why I hadn't put up some pictures at her account yet, I texted her back, saying rather sharply that I had enough to do as it was and anything that could wait would need to. I felt bad later and apologized for that; but at the same time, I'm still of mixed emotions about the whole situation.
I have often been asking myself if it is really necessary for me to be staying in this trailer; if there aren't in fact ways to get around the problems with the dog, the mail, the furniture, etc. without my having to stay here so long. I do care about my friend and want her to be happy and okay; but at the same time, having spent so many years looking after both my parents and having had to put my life on hold for so many people (including this woman), there is still this voice in my head saying: “I deserve the rest of my life!”
I guess I'm a patsy...and maybe I am being selfish. But I just don't know what to do. There has to be some point where you draw the line, even in “drastic” situations.
I am 53 and have a friend about ten years my senior. I've known her for roughly three years; we once lived in the same building together, a run-down residential hotel (I was semi-homeless after my father died in 2009 and I lost our home a year later). After I finaly got on SSI in fall 2012 I eventually got a decent place to live again. My friend moved out also, but has moved from place to place constantly
and can't seem to get into anything really decent or get settled anywhere.
This lady and I each have various physical/emotional/health issues (we're both bipolar, for instance—she's BP I and I'm BP II ). Probably because of our own personal problems, not to mention our economic difficulties, we became friends and looked after each other, giving each other things, sharing food and all. At the same time there was a constant tense dynamic, with the woman constantly demanding (not actually ASKING) various favors, calling me and texting me several times a day, even when I was at work; bossing me around; and there were even fights over the most inane things. Not that I'm a saint---I would get impatient with her at times and even defensive when I felt like she “barked” at me or something.
Even after I came to stay with my niece, then eventually moved to my own place, she has continued to want favors from me. As of this writing I am often busy with various things, and also live too far away from her to visit her often. I have tried to make her understand this, but I'm not always sure if she does.
What's happening right now is this: she has asked (sort of) that I stay in her trailer and: watch her dog (I'm not allowed to have them where I live or I would gladly take the animal home), take in her mail, and keep an eye on furniture she has sitting outside. She has to stay with her daughter and watch the grandkids while their father is away visiting his mom, and she's also had medical tests to take. Although I understand her situation entirely, I'm not at all comfortable about the arrangement. The trailer is run-down (as are all the trailers in her park) and full of old cigarette smoke (I am a non-smoker); the neighborhood is “iffy”, with noisy neighbors to boot; and it's roughly a three to four-block walk in every direction to the nearest bus stops---which is torture in this heat. Not to mention, the last person she left to watch this place got bedbugs everywhere and we're both still fighting them off and nursing bites.
In all fairness, she did say that I don't have to be here 24/7, that I can go back home now and then but to make sure the cooler is on for the dog and it has fresh water and papers. And, there is food here in the house (which I'm short on until I get paid). I could likely adapt better if the bus stop were closer, since I'm a tired and sweaty mess by the time I finally get there and I don't dare be in this neighborhood after dark.
The main part of the problem, however: I am a volunteer with my church, which includes assisting a grief support group, helping with church services at nursing homes, reading at Mass and other activities. I've also helped watch my own neighbor's place and taken care of my landlady's cat (no problem at all since I live behind her and the animal likes to visit anyway). I feel that in order to do the house-sitting/dog-sitting for my friend, I've had to take time away from other people who need me as badly, if not more. Since I do not drive and some of the people who could give me rides either live too far off or will be on vacation shortly, I am forced to make the long walk to the bus stop in order to get back to my place when I need to. I do this anyway because I'm getting stir-crazy and missing my home, and feeling that it's not good for my health to spend too much time in the trailer. Since the lady wants me to stay here for about three weeks, then the occassional trips back home are keeping me sane.
As I mentioned earlier, many times I have told my friend how busy I am, and am struggling to set up healthy boundaries with her. And I do mean struggling---I either end up being “the martyr” and doing the favor or going off because I'm feeling taken for granted. People always tell me “just say no”, but I don't always feel I'm in a position where I can do this.
I am watching over the woman's dog because it gets homesick when away and won't eat; also, the grandchildren play rough and one grandson picked up the animal and hurt it, even though my friend had told him to leave the dog alone. So she feels the dog will be better off at her home. She's also worried about being robbed while she's gone or something happening to her mail. Besides all this, however, she has asked me to do several other things, like maintain her Facebook account, help her find a place, etc., etc. After she texted me yesterday morning asking why I hadn't put up some pictures at her account yet, I texted her back, saying rather sharply that I had enough to do as it was and anything that could wait would need to. I felt bad later and apologized for that; but at the same time, I'm still of mixed emotions about the whole situation.
I have often been asking myself if it is really necessary for me to be staying in this trailer; if there aren't in fact ways to get around the problems with the dog, the mail, the furniture, etc. without my having to stay here so long. I do care about my friend and want her to be happy and okay; but at the same time, having spent so many years looking after both my parents and having had to put my life on hold for so many people (including this woman), there is still this voice in my head saying: “I deserve the rest of my life!”
I guess I'm a patsy...and maybe I am being selfish. But I just don't know what to do. There has to be some point where you draw the line, even in “drastic” situations.
I'd like to make it clear that I do care very much about this person. I have just had so much on my plate these last few years, being needed by so many people and DESPERATELY needing some serious time away, it just all gets overwhelming and stressful. I just wish people like this woman would stop "needing" me so much, that's all...and I need to get counseling or something and find a way to set up healthy boundaries without feeling guilty.