This is a link by Darlene Lancer https://www.whatiscodependency.com/trauma-abuse-breakups-divorce-ptsd/#more-13463 about abusive relationships and moving forward.

After reading this and speaking to my therapist by phone today, as I progress through the begining of trauma work I'm finding that this article speaks to 'me codependent' to what I hope to achieve Some Day as 'Me, healed of codependency' and the  feeling inside myself that I'm enough just as I am and worthy of love...self love and from others without conditions being attached as they were in my family of alcoholics.

So how does one 'divorce from oneself'...this process is very challenging for me, yet the desire is strong as I'm also in the same trying to repair and improve my relationship with my son. Sadly, I represented, unknowingly the characteristics of a narcistic mother in trying to 'do' for him as he grew up, he has aspergers. Then, having mental health issues thrown in, well lets just say that I'm really trying hard to 'heal' what hurts for both of us through my own work and offering my total ability to 'listen' to anything he might need to ask or questions...I want him to Know He Has A Voice.

I've also been listening to Milissa Peer, lots of utube videos to work out the life time of failures I feel about myself personality, relationships, work, procrastination etc to find ways for change as I work on the shame of not living up to 'my perseved' abilities, daily and a life time...nearing 67. So I sit on my chair knowing I could be  doing many other more productive and needed work in my house and yard typing. It's almost 4:30pm and I'm still in my pj's, I've not taken been doing self health care today, along with any sort of progress in any area.

I think, for me, staying focussing too much on the self help books can be negative are right. I think I was a bit in my head with oh no how can I get better, need to really focus on my therapy and getting better. Well I've a life time of self help books, blaming, shame etc and trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to move forward...one positive I've stopped adding to my collection of self help books, so money in my pocket. The masses of info online can be so overwhelming, especially when I'm feeling really badly about life and myself...just in my head Way Too Much!

I'm really struggling with self determination to do what I know I can do, yet don't in all areas of my life, mainly because of feeling overwhelmed as to where to start...then the next area of self shame comes from not making myself do something each day towards obtaining/doing what I need to find peace of mind. I described my anxiety level to my therapist today "feeling like I have a vibrator in my body", it's so pervasive...yes I do know that walking, eating well and sleeping along with having a life of purpose and meaning would all lead to a better 'living life to it's fullest' for me...I just don't know how to 'make myself' do what I know I can do...I don't have anyone to reach out to for support, or to help atm...to shamed/don't want to be vunerable to talk to friends about how I'm feeling and what I'm not doing for myself or my home.

There is One area of my life that I am feeling good about, yet my therapist said to me that I'm Focused on all the people in my life, now passed, understanding and forgiving them...working on my relationship with my son and very aware of past codependent behaviors, opening myself up while keeping my own needed boundaries. Now, the really Hard Work...forgiving myself, for the could have, would have, or should have dones in my life, from  the past and moving forward as we being to live a 'new world' and a 'new normal' now while self protected mode to moving back to living in the community mode/world mode with so many questions and uncertanties. 

I think of all the people who have lost jobs, don't have enough to eat, the horrid increase of abusive behavior, and feel so grateful for my social security and pension...having a home of my own and food to eat...Continuing Prayers for Highest Good For All~~