due to the loss of 3 friends in four years and the transition of my son moving out of my house 3 years ago, then another death of a Very Close friend at the begining of December, and the No Contact At All from Dec 17 until 2 weeks ago.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfEqviC7rwg

Surrender Meditation | A Spoken guided visualization (Letting go of control)

This is the meditation I listened to..it's Very Moving, 35 minutes. I just cried when the words said "what is blocking you" and it's me. All 4 of my friends who died would always tell me I was deserving, good enough and a kind person...I do believe I'm a kind person, not the first two and I don't know how to get to that place where I believe.

This is another meditation that touches my heart 22 minutes

LET GO of Anxiety, Fear & Worries: A GUIDED MEDITATION ➤ Harmony, Inner Peace & Emotional Healing   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EaMJOo1jks

I have a group on ds called what do you want where I post daily about...what I want and efforts to do the work and achieve progress...that is another area I have such a hard time with due to depression. I feel accomplished yesterday and somewhat today...I wantd to get out of the house and didn't.

Tomorrow though will be a Good Day. I called my son, we are going to have lunch together, and I'm taking him to a couple of places he wants to go to and I'll be bring him his Christmas gifts. Today on the phone he was talking about a problem he is having and I said we could talk over lunch...I didn't want to loose the ability to stay away from the helicopter Mom. I asked him if he had clean cloths...he doesn't do hygiene and that is a Boundary Of Mine...won't let him in the car if he smells. He said he'd trim his beard cause I hate it...I said, nope, not my business "it's yours".

I'm looking forward to seeing him, I am a bit scared though. Deep breathing...baby stepping with Faith.

I also read in the Alanon book this morning and wanted to start a gratitude journal...I don't know how...there are so my things in my life I'm grateful for...I thought I'd break it down...body/health, my son, home, and things I can do in the outside world.

Yesterday I got the town activity book for the next three months...there is a yoga class on Friday. I have activities M, W, Th, and now Friday...these are all out of my house. Tuesday I don't have anything scheduled..the other things are weekly. I'm not going to do anything on Tuesday except stay home and energize, be quiet. Then Saturday I will have alone, and Sunday I'm going to go to a new Church...I'll be asking my son if he wants to go...then spend the day at home and have dinner and I'll drive him back to where he lives.

I'm very tired today, I've worked Very Hard in my two Horrid Rooms upstairs for about 2 1/2 hours and still need to do my daily chore..kitchen clean, and put sheets on my bed. I just feel drained.