The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night: Come home, Fix

dinner, play with the kids.



I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for

the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine

cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of

those

cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips

together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart,

Press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly girl so I

Pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,

stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer and heat

It to 1000 degrees.



Cold wax my rear end (Oh,how this phrase haunts me!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and

pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can

this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward

body hair and smooth skin!!



With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the

Kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting

championship.

I drop my undies and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same

Procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini

Line, covering the right half of my v*gina and stretching down to the

Inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply

and



Brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP! !!!!!!!



I'm Blind!!!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!!!.. .

OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm making noises that only dogs can hear Vision slowly returning,

I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip.



S**T!!!



Another deep breath and RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have

Forgotten how ..

Do I hear crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly)

After all this I want to see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip

With my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I

Want to revel in the Glory that is my triumph over body hair.



I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??

WHERE IS THE WAX?

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I

See the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch.

I am touching wax. S**T!!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

Now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

V*gina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!!!





I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to

do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My

head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and

the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.



Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued

together is having them glued together and then glued to the

bottom of the tub.



In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax)

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man

that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone.



It's a very good conversation starter; "So, my butt and who-ha are

stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but she

does try to hide the laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.



"Are we talking buttock cheek or is it covering - you know -

everywhere (cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"



She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the

run down and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH

RIGHT!!!!!! I should be the 'butt' of someone else's work-night

jokes!!

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax

off

with a razor.

Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry

shaving the sticky wax off!!!





By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike

and I slip into glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the

saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?



I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!



The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my

friend, but I really don't care!!



"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my

friend and she hangs up.



I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my

grief and despair...



THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! !So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.