MY RULEZ ON DATING
Rule 1 - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2 - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3 - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loo sely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
Rule 4 - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate- when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5 - It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only inform ation I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on the subject is - EARLY.
Rule 6 - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7 - As you stand in my front hallway waiting fro my daughter to
appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup - a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8 - The following places are not appropr iate for a date with my
daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9 - Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the merciless, all-time fear of your universe.
Rule 10 - Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy in Hanoi. When my agent orange s tarts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.