Clarity Community Group
This group originally had been formed to lend support and to have open discussion on the topic of dissociation. We have since opened up to all aspects of PTSD, BPD, DID, BIP, Depression, etc. Basically our group is a safe supportive (non judgemental) place for open discussion on any somewhat related topic. We do not discriminate. We consider ourselves to be...
I finally got a full time job offer this past week.
I should rejoice. It's been two years. The job is 5 minutes from home, they pay my lunch period...so I only work a true, 8 hour shift. When I went in for the face to face, I was given a Ramsey Industry test and scored in the 90th percentile of people taking that particular test across the nation.
Part time work has been stressful. I am leaving my current part time job, in Clinical Research, after having had the job...more or less...as some sort of a "lifeboat" job until this current opportunity came along. I had felt, even after hundreds of resume's being sent out, that I would eventually I would land something suitable.
This new job, in a local Plant that makes commercial roofing materials, is working with electronics and I will be a maintenance technician. The job pays overtime and shift differential and, for down here, the job is an excellent job in a place that has a wonderful opportunity.
I've never worked in this kind of environment. I know that I should be personally thankful because this job has the potential of placing me back to about 80 percent of what I used to make in my long term job working in a hospital. Putting pencil to paper, it appears as though my basic overhead is going to decrease significantly and I won't be having to travel to my worksite. This is a tremendous convenience and is a real cost saver when it comes to gas and wear and tear on my car.
My wife is a little easier to get along with as a result as well. I should be happy.
But, I'm not. This isn't what I want to do and I'm nearly sick over this.
My God Damned life is just taking me further and further out to sea. This just shows me that I am not in control of my life and, frankly, I've never been so unhappy in my life.
My illness and this damn medication just neuter me, in so far as having any drive or motivation to do much of anything anymore. Here I am...a 54 year old man...crying at his computer over this. Frankly, I'm ashamed of myself.
Even on my beloved job...my illness was punching holes in me. I forgot to do things, did things and forgot that I did them, and fought almost continual fatigue and depression all the time. Of course, I was facing a long time stressor of working for an ingrate that ultimately won out...kept his job...and I've never felt so abandoned by a group of long time cohorts in my entire life.
It was a beautiful day here today. I had to MAKE myself get up and go take a nice 45 minute walk at the school this afternoon. I felt pretty good when I finished, but I came home...ate something...and fell sound asleep...like in the middle of the night asleep. When I woke up, I had this terrible sense of doom and depression just sweep over me. This is not uncommon in clinical depression...I realize. I used to do this and would awake with someone on my mind...a loved one, a friend, some attachment that I felt had died or was going to die. I've done this since my teens.
Here again, I am ashamed of myself...my performance...my mentality.
I feel like a worthless piece of shit.
I feel so unmotivated toward this new job. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Just facing being overwhelmed by the waste of life I am forced to invest...just to survive...is what is really kicking my ass right now.
I'm speaking frankly. I know things like this are temporary. I just didn't and haven't worked and studied my ass off to end up working alongside these local rednecks in a roofing plant. I'm sorry...if I'm a snob...please forgive me. I really wanted something better for myself. My hometown has proven itself to be the shit hole people believe it is. I used to think otherwise, but not much anymore. This makes me so angry.
I don't know. The way I broke after staying too long and giving out too much love and loyalty has really done a number on me. I don't necessarily feel incompetent...but, I just can't bring myself to any kind of enthusiasm about life anymore. This has been such a long, long battle...and I'm tired. That's not to say that life doesn't have some good moments...it does...but how the hell did I get here?
I have to say that the thought of dying actually brings me comfort. My head hurts, I'm weak, there are aggressive and healthy young pups that are hungry and want and get what they want. I'm here, with the rags of my past and my past experience...still a Tiger that can bite...but one that really questions whether he wants to go on or not.
This depression is...and always has been...painful. I cannot describe to you the pain...and the darkness.
I'm being frank here. I know...I know that the light of day tomorrow morning will rise and I'll feel better for a while...but, I am afraid of my own limitations. You don't know how beyond exhausted I get with stress. It's ungodly how bad I feel and it takes me days to get recovered. This scares the hell out of me and it really doesn't matter what I do, what I eat, what kinds of self help I give myself...I feel like an invalid, so much of the time.
Here again, shame. I'm ashamed of myself as a man. Even though I have done nobody any harm, I just feel so inferior and so limited and it's so painful to realize that I just can't pull the load anymore.
How long is it going to be before I realize it's the end? Truly, truly the end??
I should rejoice. It's been two years. The job is 5 minutes from home, they pay my lunch period...so I only work a true, 8 hour shift. When I went in for the face to face, I was given a Ramsey Industry test and scored in the 90th percentile of people taking that particular test across the nation.
Part time work has been stressful. I am leaving my current part time job, in Clinical Research, after having had the job...more or less...as some sort of a "lifeboat" job until this current opportunity came along. I had felt, even after hundreds of resume's being sent out, that I would eventually I would land something suitable.
This new job, in a local Plant that makes commercial roofing materials, is working with electronics and I will be a maintenance technician. The job pays overtime and shift differential and, for down here, the job is an excellent job in a place that has a wonderful opportunity.
I've never worked in this kind of environment. I know that I should be personally thankful because this job has the potential of placing me back to about 80 percent of what I used to make in my long term job working in a hospital. Putting pencil to paper, it appears as though my basic overhead is going to decrease significantly and I won't be having to travel to my worksite. This is a tremendous convenience and is a real cost saver when it comes to gas and wear and tear on my car.
My wife is a little easier to get along with as a result as well. I should be happy.
But, I'm not. This isn't what I want to do and I'm nearly sick over this.
My God Damned life is just taking me further and further out to sea. This just shows me that I am not in control of my life and, frankly, I've never been so unhappy in my life.
My illness and this damn medication just neuter me, in so far as having any drive or motivation to do much of anything anymore. Here I am...a 54 year old man...crying at his computer over this. Frankly, I'm ashamed of myself.
Even on my beloved job...my illness was punching holes in me. I forgot to do things, did things and forgot that I did them, and fought almost continual fatigue and depression all the time. Of course, I was facing a long time stressor of working for an ingrate that ultimately won out...kept his job...and I've never felt so abandoned by a group of long time cohorts in my entire life.
It was a beautiful day here today. I had to MAKE myself get up and go take a nice 45 minute walk at the school this afternoon. I felt pretty good when I finished, but I came home...ate something...and fell sound asleep...like in the middle of the night asleep. When I woke up, I had this terrible sense of doom and depression just sweep over me. This is not uncommon in clinical depression...I realize. I used to do this and would awake with someone on my mind...a loved one, a friend, some attachment that I felt had died or was going to die. I've done this since my teens.
Here again, I am ashamed of myself...my performance...my mentality.
I feel like a worthless piece of shit.
I feel so unmotivated toward this new job. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Just facing being overwhelmed by the waste of life I am forced to invest...just to survive...is what is really kicking my ass right now.
I'm speaking frankly. I know things like this are temporary. I just didn't and haven't worked and studied my ass off to end up working alongside these local rednecks in a roofing plant. I'm sorry...if I'm a snob...please forgive me. I really wanted something better for myself. My hometown has proven itself to be the shit hole people believe it is. I used to think otherwise, but not much anymore. This makes me so angry.
I don't know. The way I broke after staying too long and giving out too much love and loyalty has really done a number on me. I don't necessarily feel incompetent...but, I just can't bring myself to any kind of enthusiasm about life anymore. This has been such a long, long battle...and I'm tired. That's not to say that life doesn't have some good moments...it does...but how the hell did I get here?
I have to say that the thought of dying actually brings me comfort. My head hurts, I'm weak, there are aggressive and healthy young pups that are hungry and want and get what they want. I'm here, with the rags of my past and my past experience...still a Tiger that can bite...but one that really questions whether he wants to go on or not.
This depression is...and always has been...painful. I cannot describe to you the pain...and the darkness.
I'm being frank here. I know...I know that the light of day tomorrow morning will rise and I'll feel better for a while...but, I am afraid of my own limitations. You don't know how beyond exhausted I get with stress. It's ungodly how bad I feel and it takes me days to get recovered. This scares the hell out of me and it really doesn't matter what I do, what I eat, what kinds of self help I give myself...I feel like an invalid, so much of the time.
Here again, shame. I'm ashamed of myself as a man. Even though I have done nobody any harm, I just feel so inferior and so limited and it's so painful to realize that I just can't pull the load anymore.
How long is it going to be before I realize it's the end? Truly, truly the end??
First let me say I am so happy for you that you have found FT employment in your town. I know how difficult that has been.
I think that it is a natural reaction in us all to feel as you are. Questioning our limitations....questioning where we are in life...questioning what we have done with our lives.....
I think you need to remember first and foremost that the job you hold does not define who you are. It is simply a vehicle for bringing money to your wallet. The last job was not desireable and so you have moved on to this one. Give it a chance. Perhaps the simplicity of it is just what you need. Go to work, do your thing, and leave. No BS etc... Make some friends while you are there etc... You are not inferior by any means at all my friend. You are doing a job. We all do various jobs, just do it to your fullest! You can still do volunteer work, continue your nursing schooling, take care if us here, etc....
Please no shame. It's not necessary. You are such a special, wonderful, caring, loving man J.
When it is time for the end to be....it will just happen on it's own. Let's not rush anything.
I love you to pieces my Tibetian Tiger! you are something very special in this world.
I walked out of the building this morning with a quick handshake. These things always leave a bit of a hole inside of you for a while. I guess I lament that the interpersonal chemistry was just not there to forge new, lasting relationships.
There were tons of personal insecurity from day one and nobody could be genuine to the core. I've had this happen to me before and you leave it...and you seldom, if ever, think about it again.
It was a 52 minute commute through traffic in a rough part of town and it just wasn't healthy. As a lifeboat, it was beginning to truly sink for me a while back. It was time to "step off".
The new company has been nothing but accomodating and straight up in the interview processes and hiring process. It's unbelievably refreshing to feel as though you are wanted. A former coworker of mine, that has worked in Industry, told me that it is quite different from Healthcare and that I probably will have some fun with it.
I'm learning an entirely new process here. But, my testing showed that I am more than ready to take on the challenge.
Clean sheet of paper here.
I need to be thankful.
I will try.
Gaye Gaye
This whole transition feels like a ball game that's beginning to play my direction again.
There is a whole resourcefulness that I well established years ago. Like an old man playing his favorite old sport, there may well be some fresh glimpses back into the past. Like an old Tiger can still bite, an old ball player can still throw a wicked curve from time to time.
He hasn't forgotten.
((Hugs)) to a very wonderful man.
((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))