Clarity Community Group
This group originally had been formed to lend support and to have open discussion on the topic of dissociation. We have since opened up to all aspects of PTSD, BPD, DID, BIP, Depression, etc. Basically our group is a safe supportive (non judgemental) place for open discussion on any somewhat related topic. We do not discriminate. We consider ourselves to be...
Even my Bipolar Wife has noticed that I'm more than a "little off".
Nobody can know the full extent of another persons internal climate...unless they talk about it and the receiver has some sense of commonality with the talkers struggles.
I don't normally open up, to this extent, but I felt that I would for a moment.
Basically speaking, and regardless of the reasons and excuses I may give as to why I fail, I will just say that I'm giving up a crappy part time job...falling off into unemployment again (with no benefits, on my own dime)...due to what is basically speaking...poor performance due to severe clinical depression and my brain tumor.
I don't normally admit to certain things. Like a sounding fish...predators usually sweep in for the kill when they smell blood or sense distress.
A couple of you know, on an interpersonal level, the back-to-the-wall life I've lived the past four years or so. It's been one loss after another. after another. My confidence is zero right now. I'm stumbling all over myself, having trouble remembering thing...and, to tell you the truth...I've actually fallen into something that is a bit addictive in the process.
No, it's not anything of what you'd think. Not any of those things at all. Something very unusual...but, something that has done something to me on the inside. If I explained it, I think you'd understand. The addiction is actually an extension of a coping mechanism that I have...that I use...to supplement what is missing so badly in my life...on an emotional level.
I know your mind is going a lot of places with this. I will say that is DOES NOT involve anyone else, physically, mentally, or socially. I'm not asking you to guess, either. Like cutting is for some...this is something I've resorted to for stress relief. I'll go not further...to say that it doesn't involve anything on the internet, either.
I know, strange.
I'm paralyzed. I'm stuck.
I made a serious mistake this past week at work. It was the final straw, so to speak, and I came to the realization that it was time to compartmentalize this whole 18 month mess, close the box, and throw the box away...figuratively speaking.
I came to some realizations, with my illness, that things were not right. I would forget about work I did the week before...would be asked about it...and would have little to no recollection of it at all. I would remember some kind of work from before, but couldn't remember the details, and I would go back and find that the work was all done...and nobody knew anything of it.
This gets down the core of my being here. I've always prided myself on my ability to get things working, to help others with problems, and to use my mind in so many of the life-pursuits I've experienced.
But, apparently, this is changing rather drastically.
I'm ashamed.
Where I worked, for 17 years...I was an Icon. I was loved, respected (except by the people who I reported to), and had plenty of interpersonal fellowship with so many.
Today, because of my losses, I live with a Bipolar Woman who is a Psychological Brute and self absorbed primadonna that sees the world in only her terms.
I've done all I know to do to keep myself supported and up...looking for meaningful work...and trying to meet the challenges of my life. Just pouring this out, through tears and in writing, is helping to calm and comfort me so much. But, only so much. Your support has been a staple for me during this time and I love you all for it.
My last day is two weeks from tomorrow...on the 28th...and leaving a job because of poor performance has never happened to me before. The group I work with has their own poor performance as well and, frankly, I just don't have the energy or concern to spend on trying to "make my world a better place" in this instance.
These people are as self absorbed as my wife. The last thing I want to do, when I live with an asshole, is to work with them.
Please understand, I love my wife...but, I don't love these people. I've just another challenge ahead of me.
Thanks for loving me.
Tiger
Nobody can know the full extent of another persons internal climate...unless they talk about it and the receiver has some sense of commonality with the talkers struggles.
I don't normally open up, to this extent, but I felt that I would for a moment.
Basically speaking, and regardless of the reasons and excuses I may give as to why I fail, I will just say that I'm giving up a crappy part time job...falling off into unemployment again (with no benefits, on my own dime)...due to what is basically speaking...poor performance due to severe clinical depression and my brain tumor.
I don't normally admit to certain things. Like a sounding fish...predators usually sweep in for the kill when they smell blood or sense distress.
A couple of you know, on an interpersonal level, the back-to-the-wall life I've lived the past four years or so. It's been one loss after another. after another. My confidence is zero right now. I'm stumbling all over myself, having trouble remembering thing...and, to tell you the truth...I've actually fallen into something that is a bit addictive in the process.
No, it's not anything of what you'd think. Not any of those things at all. Something very unusual...but, something that has done something to me on the inside. If I explained it, I think you'd understand. The addiction is actually an extension of a coping mechanism that I have...that I use...to supplement what is missing so badly in my life...on an emotional level.
I know your mind is going a lot of places with this. I will say that is DOES NOT involve anyone else, physically, mentally, or socially. I'm not asking you to guess, either. Like cutting is for some...this is something I've resorted to for stress relief. I'll go not further...to say that it doesn't involve anything on the internet, either.
I know, strange.
I'm paralyzed. I'm stuck.
I made a serious mistake this past week at work. It was the final straw, so to speak, and I came to the realization that it was time to compartmentalize this whole 18 month mess, close the box, and throw the box away...figuratively speaking.
I came to some realizations, with my illness, that things were not right. I would forget about work I did the week before...would be asked about it...and would have little to no recollection of it at all. I would remember some kind of work from before, but couldn't remember the details, and I would go back and find that the work was all done...and nobody knew anything of it.
This gets down the core of my being here. I've always prided myself on my ability to get things working, to help others with problems, and to use my mind in so many of the life-pursuits I've experienced.
But, apparently, this is changing rather drastically.
I'm ashamed.
Where I worked, for 17 years...I was an Icon. I was loved, respected (except by the people who I reported to), and had plenty of interpersonal fellowship with so many.
Today, because of my losses, I live with a Bipolar Woman who is a Psychological Brute and self absorbed primadonna that sees the world in only her terms.
I've done all I know to do to keep myself supported and up...looking for meaningful work...and trying to meet the challenges of my life. Just pouring this out, through tears and in writing, is helping to calm and comfort me so much. But, only so much. Your support has been a staple for me during this time and I love you all for it.
My last day is two weeks from tomorrow...on the 28th...and leaving a job because of poor performance has never happened to me before. The group I work with has their own poor performance as well and, frankly, I just don't have the energy or concern to spend on trying to "make my world a better place" in this instance.
These people are as self absorbed as my wife. The last thing I want to do, when I live with an asshole, is to work with them.
Please understand, I love my wife...but, I don't love these people. I've just another challenge ahead of me.
Thanks for loving me.
Tiger
I hope you will continue to come here and let me and the others circle the wagon around you. You don't ever need to feel ashamed. You need to let us take care of YOU for awhile. That's okay to do ya know.
Know how much I love you. Know that I want more than anything for you to find healing and peace J.
I believe you will. I believe it with everything in me.
Gaye Gaye
MJ
Ultimately, it will be up to me to do that.
In all the scenarios I can think of, I just think of anything less than a complete victory is acceptable.
Hell, if you don't fix a problem correctly and completely...you're going to be even more ashamed than when you attempted in the first place.
In it's own perverted way, some things either need to be pursued to their ultimate end...or not pursued at all.
As usual Gaye has said everything so wonderfully. I ditto it all.
You have not been happy in that job...it has just been two things...somewhere to go and a paycheck. I do wish you would find a position where you would be appreciated. You have so much to offer.
You so are one of my most favorite peeps in the world...oh yes u are! I am just a phone call, text, or email away anytime you need a friend. And I'm so glad you came here to your Clarity family. You are so loved here. Loved and cherished.
xxx
This pain is very deep. It's relentless and it's not of your own making. This comes from the fucktard society and culture we live in now days.
People are largely just cruel. I was emailing a guy I met on another website that is 42 and even he has said that things have really, really changed in the past few years. It's a cultural and social phenomenon that is not being addressed by the schools, churches or government. While law may well frame and reflect the structures of morality...true morality extends way beyond the structures observed in the framework itself.
In other words...there is a greater morality than law.
Only problem is...you would think that morality...living beneath the law would be criminal. Apart from the jot and tittle of the law, the overall spirit of morality should coalesce into something of a social functioning that goes beyond and above and wider than the scope of the law.
But, apathy...that sinks beneath the structure of the law...while yet now criminal...is nonetheless just as insidious...if not moreso.
It goes back to the saying, "The opposite of love is not hate...it's apathy". And, truly, it is. Apathy is the same pacifism that stands as standing death in society and culture. We've bashed each others heads so much along lines of race, financial and political position, and workplace pecking order that there now has arisen...in the wake of the massive theft from the middle class...that malignant sense of apathy that is neither dead nor alive among humans.
When do people ever talk, or hug, or dwell together. This society is millions of robotic zombies...each mechanised from the cradle to support...what? God only knows.
And what about God? People are turning on God and the God concept in mass because of it's "failures". Every blog I read seems to feed this. There was a day when a "Godly" man was seen as a person of virtue, but anymore...you are either weird or you have a hidden agenda.
Truly, we have no savior. It's a sad, sad day. No wonder the suicide rates are so high now. We are entering a time of despair in our world. You cannot live a life with no regret anymore. You regret not having gotten "more" education/success/money. If you get these, then you regret not having loved someone along the way.
The office cannot love you back Godammit.
So many of these suicides are suicides of "self love". The methods tell it all.
All I want to do is ball up and cry...to be held...to have someone be there until the pain all goes away. But, we are too God damned proud to ask people to love us.
When was the last time you talked with someone who had absolutely no place to go? It never happens because we're pursuing something that doesn't exist as we see it now. Maybe it did, at one time.
To me, I'd like to rent a ski lodge or a cabin by the lake...turn off the technology and make supper. Let's sit out on the porch and laugh until we get tired and go to bed. Let's go waterskiing (except for Gaye, she can drive the boat) and wear ourselves out getting 30 mile an hour enema's while falling down trying to slalom.
I'm dying...I swear to God...mark my words...
Can I be any more transparent?
That strikes at the heart of the issue of shame. Shame is the thing that keeps people from intervening when they observe bullying. When you watch a video, like this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EisZTB4ZQxY
You see the overall fear of people that is acted out...or not acted out. Indecision is a decision in and of itself. The world has learned to bully in so many layered ways. In this instance, it's physical, emotional and psychological. The sociopath wins. The psychopath wins. They act out their shame but shaming others...others that are vulnerable.
Trust me, I've done this...I've walked away from a fight. Only problem is...you are ashamed as a result. Oh, yes, it's called "picking your battles" or "being smart" by looking the other way. But, humans become programmed to fear because they've experienced fear by threat...either direct or indirect or implied...and, thus, they cannot not feel afraid of the bully. Rationalization comes into play here heavily.
It's amazing...but just a couple of years back...I saw a bully from a time when I was 12 to 15 years old. He is no different than anyone else in the grocery store. But, I saw him...and he saw me...and I instantly felt the wave of fear...even though it's been almost 40 years. it's a trauma imprint.
This comes from a system whereby you were assured punishment for misdeeds or disobedience and the punishment was carried out according to the threat. We learn early that violence works. When you strike and child or seek to intimidate a child...you teach him that violence works because his beating settled him down, apparently. Yes, the child was subdued...but, you have to realize that you've planted the seeds of hate.
My dad did this, and on my 16th birthday...had a been a little bit bigger...I would have kicked his ass in an argument. Instead, while standing with my fist drawn back...underneath the ceiling fan...I looked him right in his hazel eyes and told him...I didn't need him anymore.
It destroyed him. To this day, I remember the slump in his body. Oh yes, in the years hence, I've come to understand my own narcissism...but, as I drill down...I keep finding more and more of it. I wish I had never seen or experienced violence.
What is, today, driving the apathy of men and women...placing them off the radar of morality by default...making them neither dead nor alive morally...is the byproduct of violence. Maybe not physical violence...but, situational violence, workplace violence...of the non-physical kind...the threat against a hard earned check, promotions that are due...past due...and the imminent threat of the loss of everything simply from a simple blood clot that goes to the brain.
There is no trust in the digital age. Your doctor...who is running a mill...to try to pay off his student loans...becomes an object of fear simply because you are another number on a chart. You know it and it's intimidating.
There is more student loan debt, today, than there is credit card debt. Why is that? Fear. Fear of the future...and fear of actually being stuck in the middle class. Why? Because the middle class is dying away. Nevertheless, the rich man gets ahead and then the poor man gets even. Tell me that the Arab Spring had nothing to do about getting even. You can earn a massive fortune legally, but did you do it morally?
You cannot settle for a bachelors degree...you need a masters. But, what does having a masters mean? When I see a 27 year old with a Masters Degree in Psychology and I'm going in to speak with him...it's very hard to relate. The degree, in function, doesn't mean much...but, it gets you past the stupid screen in the HR department. This practice is a practice of violence because it says, "Hey, no masters...no entry." Indirectly it says, "No Masters...you're worthless. Next".
I have, perhaps, 20 years left to live. By the time I get to retirement...true retirement...there may be no social security. But, as in any other Ponzi scheme...social security was made to benefit the first takers of the first fruits of the practice of taxing toward this program. The people who benefited the most are either dead or will be soon. This sets an undercurrent of anger, really.
I can see how, when people have no confidence in the future...nor access to the nicer things in life...how they can bury themselves in the food at McDonalds and comfort themselves there.
My greatest fear is the inability to take care of myself financially. Before I am going to be homeless, I'm going to be dead. I've been economically gang raped and I suspect most of us have been. You didn't need a dime in the stock market to have your money reduced to way less. The rich could never generate, individually, the kind of wealth they carry. Trickle down economics don't trickle down. They get lapped up.
We've lost our way; Fortunately, I'll never live long enough to see it all come to a head (I don't think). Apathy, in our world, is a sign of a terrible malignancy. I just want to love and be loved and that's enough for me.
Hey, I'm feeling a bit better today...maybe the rant helped.
Always.
Call anytime.
Luv you.
xxx
MJ