I was invited here by dear AV31.

I am a 53 year old woman who grew up with an angry alcoholic father and a mom who was afraid of everything. I often say that I am surprised my brothers and I knew how to walk and talk. There was very little support or encouragement. As the big sister....it was I who kept a watchful eye over my brothers. When I was 17 I had my first bout with depression.

When my brother Bob was in his early 20's, he was diagnosed as schizophrenic. It was a very scary few years. He started to self-medicate with alcohol. There were rehabs, mental institutions, and prisons. At one point he stole my dad's gun and disappeared. We did not know if we would ever see him again.

I was married and living far away from home at the time. My husband was emotionally abusive and there were also instances of physical abuse. I started drinking every day. A psychaitrist diagnosed me on the edge of a breakdown. We moved back home and ny husband walked out.

He did come back....but this became a habit. Instead of dealing with our issues he would leave.

My dad passed away from a heart attack in 1996. He did try to redeem himself and I am glad that my brothers and I did have a good relationship with him before he passed away.

Moving home allowed me to become my brother Bob's best friend. He spent a lot of time with me and decided to try and get sober. I enlisted the help of an ex-addict to help me help Bob. Unfortunately....it was not meant to be. Bob passed away last year. There are a lot of questions about this. The EMT thought his death was diabetes related. Bob was a diabetic and at the time of his death his sugar was sky high. We were told by the woman he lived with (herself a severe alcoholic) that he did not like to take his insulin. The official cause of death was a heart attack. However..Bob lost almost half his body weight during the last year of his life. He insisted he was seeing a doctor about this and refused to let me take him to my doctor. We do not know the cause of this. His doctor said Bob had skipped too many appointments for him to make a diagnosis. However, 2 of Bob's friends claim he said he had cancer. My mom says that the day before Bob's death, he was acting strange....trying to get things finished for her that he had started....as if he knew. She thinks he purposely stopped taking his meds and his insulin to bring on the end. I have so many questions. His girlfriend will not answer my phone calls and I am not strong enough to go over there.

My husband and I have finally got our arses into therapy. The physical abuse has stopped, so has a lot of the emotional stuff. Don't get me wrong, he can still be a sob, but I have become SO much stonger and I do love him...so this is worth working on.

I am on 2 anti-depressants.....they help bunches! The depression has prevented my husband from wanting to have a family...he finally admitted this a few months ago...saying the reason we never had kids was because he did not think I could handle it with my depression. This is one of the issues I am working on right now. I have gone through menopause so the time has passed and he refuses to adopt. This has left a giant hole in my life and my heart. My mother...who can be very mean and has issues of her own....actually taunts me with this. There are days when being childless is almost too much to handle.

My other issue is learning how to live without my brother. I miss him like crazy.

I am working with a wonderful therapist named Sally. It took me years to find her....but she is a god-send. I am also working with the ex-addict that I mentioned earlier. He is a life coach named Super Star (yes....he had his name legally changed...LOL), He has become a great friend and a wonderful source of support.

Thanks for allowing me to share my story. I will leave you with this.....I am determined to make the rest of my years count. I refuse to let this thing called depression run my life anymore. And I want to become the kind of person to everyone that Bob saw me as.