sorry that i have not seen this post before now. well, to be honest, as a christian, i am torn between what i know is right and what i know is wrong. i know that i should not m because it interferes with god's plan for my marriage. i try to go without sex for as long as i can, but there reaches a point where i feel that i have to get a climax or i will just lose it! then i feel guilty after giving in. i tell ya, the more i have given into my desires to m, the more i don't feel the conviction that i used to. i know that over time, we become desensitized to the prompting of the holy spirit in us when we continuously ignore him.

so, how do i cope? i don't think i do a very good job of that. when i feel convicted about the desires i have and what i enjoy doing (like sex chatting and phone sex), i tend to try to push those feelings of shame away. i know that i need to turn them over to god, but i find it hard when the stuff i love doing is so much fun to me... i feel like i am being hypocritical for desiring to act a certain way, then wanting forgiveness for something that i know will happen again. i know it is not the attitude that god wants from me. he wants me to come to him when i need love and attention... he wants me to be fulfilled by him alone. it is just so hard for me to do that.

maybe with time, i can get to a place where i can move past the urges i have now. i have heard that women in their early to mid thirties hit their sexual peek in life. i am hoping and praying that a lot of the stuff i feel is mostly hormonal. time will tell i guess.

I feel I'm in the same exact boat. The more I know I'm supposed to do something, the more I seek other outlets entirely. It's gotten worse specifically the last four weeks. I'm sitting on dangerous ground, where I'm honestly tempted and curious to go out and explore my fantasies and that's not a healthy place to be. I can fully recognize it, know that I'm sitting on a fine edge, and yet, I will still indulge in fantasy and masturbation almost every evening. To the exclusion of everything that is truly validating and that will help me find my future....completing finals, working through homework, etc...

I think this is the worst part... that I fully recognize where I am at, and I am not deliberately turning my back. Why am I doing this? After all the amazing work that I've done on myself with the grace of God, why am I so determinedly fixated on doing what is not good for me?