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I am sorry that this post is so long, but I have a lot going on right now. if you don't have time to read everything, the super condensed version is that I am overwhelmed, considering suicide, and need prayer.
When I was 3 years old I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. It's a very serious auto immune disease that's currently incurable, very painful, and usually doesn't manifest until middle age, although a fair amount of people are diagnosed now days in their 20's.
For about 2 years or so I have been experiencing severe, chronic pain in my back and my stomach. It can be debilitating to the point that I cannot walk and the only true relief I have had has been from hospital grade pain medications. Nothing the doctors have done has helped. I feel trapped within my own body. I am not the real me anymore. I don't have the energy to go out anywhere or do anything anymore. *I* want to, but my body won't let me.
I recently moved away from where I lived to get away from an abusive family, hoping the relief of that stress might help me- but I feel just as stressed and alone as ever.
Within the last 2 months I have had my apartment broken into, had to visit the hospital 4 times, had to take my boyfriend to the E.R. as well as have my doctors tell me my only options are either a highly dangerous experimental drug or surgery to remove my entire colon.
I'm also stressed because I know my boyfriend is wanting to get married soon, but I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore. He is an amazing man, I'm just not sure it's what I want- yet he is all I have, and I owe him so much. I love him despite questioning whether or not I'm "in" love with him. To complicate things he is a Christian, but I just don't feel like we're on the same page spiritually with where we want to go. I just don't know what to do about the situation.
I'm tired, Tired, TIRED. My whole life has been one battle after another. I just feel like I don't have anything left to fight for. I don't have good days anymore to offset the bad ones. I'm in such pain from my disease and have so many panic attacks I don't know that my life is worth living anymore. What I'm dealing with right now- it isn't a real life. I breathe in and out and walk around, but I don't get to live at all.
I know God is there, but I don't feel like He's going to step in and fix things. I don't think anyone or anything is going to fix things. I've just been doing this too long. Seems like if things were going to get better they would have by now. I know what God CAN do, but what am I supposed to do if He chooses to not do anything? I cannot continue living like this. If things don't change soon I will either give up [stop taking my meds, eating, going to the ER when I need to] or I will have a total nervous breakdown that'll be so big I don't know if I will be able to recover from it... What do I do?
When I was 3 years old I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. It's a very serious auto immune disease that's currently incurable, very painful, and usually doesn't manifest until middle age, although a fair amount of people are diagnosed now days in their 20's.
For about 2 years or so I have been experiencing severe, chronic pain in my back and my stomach. It can be debilitating to the point that I cannot walk and the only true relief I have had has been from hospital grade pain medications. Nothing the doctors have done has helped. I feel trapped within my own body. I am not the real me anymore. I don't have the energy to go out anywhere or do anything anymore. *I* want to, but my body won't let me.
I recently moved away from where I lived to get away from an abusive family, hoping the relief of that stress might help me- but I feel just as stressed and alone as ever.
Within the last 2 months I have had my apartment broken into, had to visit the hospital 4 times, had to take my boyfriend to the E.R. as well as have my doctors tell me my only options are either a highly dangerous experimental drug or surgery to remove my entire colon.
I'm also stressed because I know my boyfriend is wanting to get married soon, but I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore. He is an amazing man, I'm just not sure it's what I want- yet he is all I have, and I owe him so much. I love him despite questioning whether or not I'm "in" love with him. To complicate things he is a Christian, but I just don't feel like we're on the same page spiritually with where we want to go. I just don't know what to do about the situation.
I'm tired, Tired, TIRED. My whole life has been one battle after another. I just feel like I don't have anything left to fight for. I don't have good days anymore to offset the bad ones. I'm in such pain from my disease and have so many panic attacks I don't know that my life is worth living anymore. What I'm dealing with right now- it isn't a real life. I breathe in and out and walk around, but I don't get to live at all.
I know God is there, but I don't feel like He's going to step in and fix things. I don't think anyone or anything is going to fix things. I've just been doing this too long. Seems like if things were going to get better they would have by now. I know what God CAN do, but what am I supposed to do if He chooses to not do anything? I cannot continue living like this. If things don't change soon I will either give up [stop taking my meds, eating, going to the ER when I need to] or I will have a total nervous breakdown that'll be so big I don't know if I will be able to recover from it... What do I do?
I am praying for you and also hoping to hear therm wedding bells.
It's amazing how much help you can find on Daily Strength. There are groups for Chrohn's disease, I've seen people in the Fibromyalgia group who also have Chrohn's disease. Some of them may have tips to help the pain be lessened. You make friends who feel for you, who pray for you, and you try to help others, which makes you feel more useful, too. There are many kinds of healing. Your spirituality can get better. Your attitude can improve. Your hope can come back. As those things happen, sometimes your body starts to do better.
Do not think you are the first person to feel this terrified helpless feeling. God is aware of what's happening, and I strongly advise you to stay close to Him, and try to accept for now what you can't change immediately.
Here is a prayer that helps people in really rotten situations: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You do not have to dive in and do something destructive to yourself, like suicide. That is called a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I strongly urge you to check out the Chrohn's group, and a group for Panic Attacks. Our group is open to you too. Most of us have a number of health problems and are trying to deal with them in a way that would please God. By the way, I had several panic attacks several years ago, and they were truly the most terrifying things I'd ever experienced. I do feel for you, those make a person feel like they have no power at all. Actually, the main power each of us does have is the power Christ gives us when we turn to Him. Without Him, I can do nothing.
Praying for you, sorry you're hurting and probably desperate and scared, but hang in with us here. None of our answers can fix you immediately, but over time, our friendships will help to heal your situation. God bless you and keep you today. Judy
I do know onething that God loves you knows exactly what you are going through and is right there with you. Jesus experienced horrific pain he understands and is there to take you through it call on himand he will not let you down.
You dishonour God when you commit suicide, he is the Giver of Life , he doesnt want you to hurt, but when sincame into the world our bodies experienced corruption right down to the chromasone structure lean on Him he is strong.
praying for you every day ok? from now oon, just dont give up.
I wanted to give up once. Really. The Spirit came and got me out of the tub. Like you I saw nothing but misery for me for the rest of my life.
I was wrong. A few years later I finished school, got some self-respect back ( my ex used me as a punching bag) and met new people. And had fun too. And got married. And I am happy.
I am sick, I have late lyme disease so I had and have to live my life around it. You need as they mentioned above to try to maybe find out more about your illness it very well could be cured or at least contained.
God loves you so much. There is nobody in the world like you. Please remember this. Please also keep in touch. Lisa