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This is a place for everyone who loves Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior (or those who are seeking Him), to come and discuss important issues in their lives and find support from fellow believers in regards to their faith and life. We uphold the Bible and living a Christ-like life, not as a way to heaven, but as a reflection of our love for God.

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xbrando7 06/13/2011

Lately, I've been sinking deeper and deeper into a seemingly bottomless pit. For the past sixteen years, I've lived a pretty good life, loving God and my family with all my heart, but now I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in my life, and I wonder if I can ever get out. I came here for help. This is really a horrible mental struggle. The title of this thread is a little misleading, as all of the things I have done had no consequences whatsoever. This is the problem. I will just be going about my daily business, then a thought will appear in my head, and I will say to myself, I'm trying to do this (murder, rape etc). I really don't want to be doing it, at least before or after the thought, and I'm not physically doing it, and nothing ever happens because of it, but I feel like I really am doing it. At first, this was just among complete strangers and general people around school, but now it has spread to the closest people around me, my family, friends, and even God. I say in my mind, if I do this one thing, even something simple like sitting down or swallowing or whatever, that means I'm trying to rape/kill etc. my parents/God etc. I've tried every which way to comfort myself, saying, was your heart really in that Brandon? Did you honestly believe that there would be an end result to what you were doing (death, harm)? But then this only makes things worse, as I feel like it really is in my heart, and I DO believe, and as a result, I believe that I have tried to kill and rape my parents, other people, and God! Im completely horrified with myself. I feel like I don't deserve anything that I have, I feel like I'm stealing from my parents and God by letting them love me. I feel like I'm demon possessed, and that there is no way I can be saved. Can anything be done for me? What should I do? All I want is to have my life back. That feeling of love and harmony with my family and God, with nothing obstructing my view of that love.

xbrando7 06/13/2011

just coming here to talk has started to make me feel better.

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to one another, that you may pray together that you may be healed.

deleted_user 06/13/2011

Be gentle with yourself. I have had similar thoughts at times thinking I was possessed. I know I have not acted on them. I tell myself that it is satan playing with my mind and I tell him to flee. I work at controlling the thoughts whenever I am able to, and replace them with gratitude thoughts and thoughts of love. Keep fighting the thoughts and gain control with goodness.

xbrando7 06/13/2011

thanks for the encouragement. I want to believe that it was just Satan messing with my head, but even if it was just that, I still allowed it to happen, didn't I? Sure, after I tried to rape/kill people and God I would say "Oh my God No! You're not doing that!" But at that moment, I was, right?

deleted_user 06/13/2011

First I want to encourage you to get some psychiatric help. What you are experiencing is called "intrusive thought" and it can be helped by medication. I used to have bad thoughts about hurting myself, and the mediation was the FIRST step in getting through this.

But then comes the real battle, and that is spiritual. It means that we have to stop looking at ourselves as "living a pretty good life" as you said in your original post. God says the "there is no one righteous, no not one." Romans 3:10. The fatal mistake is the enemy tries to convince us to be good in our own strength. NO ONE can do that. And the wages of sin is death, BUT the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23.

The way I have found is that when we become a Christian it is only the beginning of the journey with God. We have to walk with Jesus every single moment of every day. I am going to give you a link I just wrote at another forum to the spiritual armor.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/christianfellowship/discussions/messages/12271726

But we have to keep remembering that Christ has promised to make us like him but that it is a process and a journey. But we cannot merely pay lip service, by trying to be a good person.We will always fail. Each time, we do what you have done. We confess our sins, and we put on the righteousness of God in Christ.

It is always going to be a battle against ourselves, the devil and our circumstances. But "thanks be to God who always causes us to triumph" 2 Cor. 2:14.

"Heavenly Father, I pray for Brandon that you will lead him and help him to get the medical help he needs. I pray that you will lead him on a journey of healing. Touch his mind, help him to put on the armor of Christ, and to be changing into your image. I thank you that Brandon is seeking help, and that as believers we can support him on this journey. In your precious name, Lord Jesus, Amen."

xbrando7 06/13/2011

Im so happy I found this place. I truly feel refreshed here. There are so many saved people here helping each other, its a beautiful thing. It makes me want to cry, with joy. Thank you so much everybody.

xbrando7 06/13/2011

Thanks Angela. This definitely seems like a case of intrusive thought. The thing that troubles me still though, is that I have agreed with these thoughts. That is, I have accepted them, and actually did the things in my mind. What should I do about this?

deleted_user 06/13/2011

Well, first get some medical help. If they go away, I would say that a simple act of confession would wipe out anything you have thought. If it is mental illness, which is sounds like to me, although you are keeping your outside world together, then don't be concerned over a disease.

But you still have to be on guard, because the devil really only has power to attack our thought lives. God gives him that power. I find Christian meditation to be the best answer to that. I posted about that a while ago here, and something more recent at Christian Fellowship. We need to use the Word of God as our weapon, even against our own minds.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/christianfellowship/discussions/messages/12260088

I am going to add some more. It means take a scripture like "peace be still" Say it over and over, thinking about how God has told you this is true. It will help still your mind, and replace it with peace. But it does not work instantly or overnight. We need to walk with Jesus, and that means a daily confession of where we have failed to God and replacing those thoughts with the thoughts of God. Hope that helps.

xbrando7 06/13/2011

Thanks very much. I can tell it was God's will that I came here.

JudyPrudy 06/14/2011

Please keep coming to our group, we all try to help each other. Judy

xbrando7 06/15/2011

Thanks for all of the support guys, and God Bless you for it. I have told my family about what I'm experiencing, I was able to take some medication, and it seems to be helping. I can block out those thoughts much easier, and focus on what I really want to think about. But even if I can overcome these thoughts completely, there are things I have done because of them that I feel terrible about. The thoughts were assaulting me so hard, that sometimes I would drop my guard, and in my mind I really was doing these things. For example, I would move my hands, or swallow, or press a button on the computer that in my mind meant that I really was trying to do the act, with belief. Then afterwards, I would chastise myself and feel a sinking feeling in my heart, why did I do that? I feel like I might need to tell people who I have done this sort of thing to. Would that be the right thing to do? This could also cause many problems, what would these people think of me if that's what I was thinking and doing? It would probably cause more harm then good to tell them. And I will confess these sins to God, as I know he will forgive me in his mercy, and lead me on the right path to overcome this trial. The truth about all of this is that all I want is to be with my family, and do what God wants me to do.

deleted_user 06/15/2011

If you are suffering from a disease, which it sounds like you are, mental illness, you don't need to share every detail. You can just tell your family you have been having "intrusive thoughts" and leave it at that. I think you might want to find a Christian therapist to work with.

And I am so glad to hear you got on some medication for this. I know it gets easier over time, as the Holy Spirit leads you and gives you the tools to overcome. God does understand, just like he understands physical illness. The point is to move forward and not act on those thoughts. God bless.

JudyPrudy 06/15/2011

I'm wondering if the violence in movies and on tv could be insinuating these thoughts into your mind. I'm no psychologist, but if I were having these problems, I would try to watch more humorous things, or beautiful things. It sounds like you are overloaded with a lot of negative thoughts. Also, it might be helpful to avoid very negative emotional people, and try to hang with those who are more calm and close to God. Just my advice, take it or leave it, you know you better than I do. I will pray for you, and hope you do start feeling better soon.
Judy

deleted_user 06/16/2011

Judy, intrusive thoughts don't work that way. Mine were very weird, and always the same. I don't watch much TV and I read the Bible. It is just a sign of the brain not working properly. But God has really helped me, but I still have to be on guard. Mine are mostly negative talk to myself. I don't allow my mind to go there. But it was worse before meds.

But we will all be praying for you.

xbrando7 06/16/2011

Its funny that you should mention that. I actually haven't been watching anything that would aggravate or inspire my thoughts, quite the opposite actually. For the last two months or so I've been trying to get closer to God, reading the Bible a lot, and leaving behind anything that would've turned me from God. Its hard sometimes. I feel like the harder I try to get closer to God, the harder the devil tries to turn me back toward sin. It makes perfect sense, and I just need to remind myself that. But thanks to your help, and God's wisdom and mercy, I'm starting to feel better. If it continues to bother me, I plan to seek out some christian therapy. I don't want to have to become dependent on medication, I have too much stuff going on in my life, and I'm worried it would affect my psyche too much, God's love and wisdom is what I need to get through this. Don't get me wrong, the medication i'm taking now is probably a good thing, but I just don't want to have to get into a long term medical setup.

xbrando7 06/16/2011

I did some more research on the internet, and I think I might have OCD. Intrusive thoughts are a major sign of that. Also, I noticed that lately I've been doing a lot of compulsive things, because of these thoughts. Lately i've been swallowing, or starting and stopping while walking, eating awkwardly etc. None of these are severe, to the point where they interfere with my life. Looking back, I've always been a pretty obsessive person, it just wasn't about these kinds of things. But reflecting on the word of God has given me a lot of peace, as well as coming here.

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