CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My ED has been communicating only in email. When I respond, she will not respond for a month to 2 months at a time. She says she is busy...hence nothing really gets accomplished. Her emails speak to me as if I am the child. She has asked me to apologize for things. I did my best to address issues and apologize- they were very vague, weak things ...but it seems she wants me to grovel is some way. The issue began over Mother's Day over 2 years ago, when I was not recognized and I decided I had kept quiet on so many of her behaviors that hurt me, that I decided to speak up. I scrutinized every word I wrote to do it with love and spoke with I's not You's. She became very angry and it's been a downward spiral, although I will not back down on speaking up in love. I do not like conflict, but she is an adult, married, 3 children (I have never met the youngest now 9months old). I believe she has someone who is influencing her along with her husband. My ED is very controlling as demonstrated by only email communication, she will not allow phone calls.
After my email to her she did send me an email and told me she would be getting around to responding to my last communication (I phone call and leave voice messages, I tired of the email and felt I was feeding her control). Anyway, I responded and said why the need to do this email thing, why not pick up the phone like normal people do..why does she need this control....I got silence of course. Its now been another month. I think I was disciplined for speaking up.
She did text me a picture of the eldest on her birthday. I did not respond. I have decided that enough is enough with this control of communication. I was going to wait until she emailed me again, and then tell her that I can't be a part of enabling this "control" behavior or hers, I love her and am always available by phone. What do you think?
After my email to her she did send me an email and told me she would be getting around to responding to my last communication (I phone call and leave voice messages, I tired of the email and felt I was feeding her control). Anyway, I responded and said why the need to do this email thing, why not pick up the phone like normal people do..why does she need this control....I got silence of course. Its now been another month. I think I was disciplined for speaking up.
She did text me a picture of the eldest on her birthday. I did not respond. I have decided that enough is enough with this control of communication. I was going to wait until she emailed me again, and then tell her that I can't be a part of enabling this "control" behavior or hers, I love her and am always available by phone. What do you think?
In the past week, we have been subjected to angry accusations and condemnation on the phone. Like you said, he wants us to grovel. Well, no thanks. This contact he tried to start was not inspired by God, because God doesn't try to tear down and destroy, He always tries to bring peace and build up. I'm fine with not hearing from him. It's not worth the emotional and physical toll. If I thought it was productive, I would continue communicating, but it's not, it's destructive. I agree with you - they think they're disciplining us.
You let your ED know that you would like a phone call. The ball is in her court. I pray she will be willing.
Like lindajoan said, texting and email is the way of our younger generation. Even my son who I am close to would prefer texting over anything.
Norske1, I have waited a month, like she....it doesn't matter. Control is so important to her...she is very stubborn. Once when she was a little girl, I sent her to her room to clean it up...it was always an ongoing battle...we would find old food left in there....it was awful. This time I told her by the end of the day if it was not cleaned up, I was going to gather it all up and throw it away. She did not clean, and when I went in and took it all out in garbage bags..she said.."oh good now I have more room in here"....just so stubborn, would bear any punishment...I stopped sending her to room, as she just played...but when I sat her in the bathroom, thinking she wouldn't like that...she spent hours looking at herself in the mirror. My mother always said, I would need to pick my battles, she was a very strong willed child...and I did pick my battles...I soon discovered she didn't care how dirty her room was even when her friends came over, although her friends did convince her wearing the same clothing everyday was not cool..thank goodness for that! On the room, I just started closing the door.
My ED used to talk to me on the phone..we texted too, but the phone is definitely her way of punishing and controlling, same with the waiting 1-2 months, etc. I am just tired of it and don't want to enable this kind of behavior anymore. I am pretty sure it won't change anything, as she will not want me to think this bothers her, but I think I need to stop feeling like I am on her hook, controlled and manipulated. The communication seems more painful than any positives coming out of it...if it is rewarding to her in a unhealthiness, then I think best for me not to be a part of it. I have been praying a lot about this, as for a year or more I heard nothing, but the last 8 months have felt agonizing and possibly what she wants for some sick reason I can't even begin to imagine, unless life is not going so well for her and she is venting...God only knows and so I keep praying.