CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
So I wrote her again this morning . It's horrific to do that but I keep trying . It cuts me up inside to reach out and not get a response , but its better than " mail failure " hitting me in the face I suppose .
I miss her , very much .
but I will say this , it has gotten easier to get thru the days , knowing she has just gone away and even tho most likely wont ever come back . She is stubborn and spoiled , manipulative and mean . So not having to deal with some of her explosive behavior has been a Godsend I think , in some ways . My health is not so good anymore and its all I could take at times to handle her rage .
I had met a man 3 years ago I was going to marry ( after being divorced for almost 7 years ) , and once we had made it final about the engagement ourselves I had asked my daughter to come meet him , she told me no way was she bringing my grand-daughters to meet any man I was with coz he would molest the kids . I was so shocked I could say nothing , we began arguing tho within minutes about her believing I would put my grand-kids in harms way and then she went off on me like never before .... needless to say I had to let it go ... another time she had come to visit me ( She had lived in Arkansas and I in Texas ) , and she brought her Mother in Law with her ... I was at my Church ( I was Treasurer ) doing some things and didn't know she was even coming ... well when she got there what an awesome surprise !! I grabbed her and my grand-daughter up and loved on them so hard ... but then we decided to go back to my house , my grand-daughter asked to ride with her Gran , ( i was 2 blocks away ) and the Mother in Law had to ask my Daughter if it was she OK with my grand-daughter riding in my vehicle ... 2 blocks ! I felt like " what the hell ? " ... little did I know she had told them of the abuse she was to accuse me of last year ....
I now have 2 grand-daughters , from my Daughter and the last I don't even know . She closed her FB pages off to me because I was able to see her pics or her friends who know her well kept me informed of how they were ... she has cut herself off to everyone she went to school with ... because they know her well enough to know she is wrong and has wrongly accused me of wrong doing , because they were there too , we always had a house full of kids .
I miss my daughter very much .... and I will always keep trying
I miss her , very much .
but I will say this , it has gotten easier to get thru the days , knowing she has just gone away and even tho most likely wont ever come back . She is stubborn and spoiled , manipulative and mean . So not having to deal with some of her explosive behavior has been a Godsend I think , in some ways . My health is not so good anymore and its all I could take at times to handle her rage .
I had met a man 3 years ago I was going to marry ( after being divorced for almost 7 years ) , and once we had made it final about the engagement ourselves I had asked my daughter to come meet him , she told me no way was she bringing my grand-daughters to meet any man I was with coz he would molest the kids . I was so shocked I could say nothing , we began arguing tho within minutes about her believing I would put my grand-kids in harms way and then she went off on me like never before .... needless to say I had to let it go ... another time she had come to visit me ( She had lived in Arkansas and I in Texas ) , and she brought her Mother in Law with her ... I was at my Church ( I was Treasurer ) doing some things and didn't know she was even coming ... well when she got there what an awesome surprise !! I grabbed her and my grand-daughter up and loved on them so hard ... but then we decided to go back to my house , my grand-daughter asked to ride with her Gran , ( i was 2 blocks away ) and the Mother in Law had to ask my Daughter if it was she OK with my grand-daughter riding in my vehicle ... 2 blocks ! I felt like " what the hell ? " ... little did I know she had told them of the abuse she was to accuse me of last year ....
I now have 2 grand-daughters , from my Daughter and the last I don't even know . She closed her FB pages off to me because I was able to see her pics or her friends who know her well kept me informed of how they were ... she has cut herself off to everyone she went to school with ... because they know her well enough to know she is wrong and has wrongly accused me of wrong doing , because they were there too , we always had a house full of kids .
I miss my daughter very much .... and I will always keep trying
Sarah , you posted above that I should " Show love, acceptance, ask for forgiveness, " , I really don't feel I need to ask for forgiveness of anything , I've done nothing wrong . I did my best in raising her , yes I spoiled her , some of the things she does is my fault , I can see that now , and I did apologize to her once long ago about not being more stern with her , and for spoiling her as I did and I got slapped in the face with " you did nothing for me but abuse me "
Her father was also accused of abusing her , and all he ever did was give her everything she ever wanted , even doing her homework for her at times so she could play and not be bothered with doing such things , when she was in 3rd grade , the entire year of homework was done by him . She says that never happened tho , and it did . If we ever told her NO she would throw a tantrum and pass out from hyper-ventilating herself . Once at Christmas time , we had bought her some really nice shoes that she wanted and because we wouldn't give them to her when she wanted them ( about 2 weeks before Christmas ) she jumped on the car hood as we were leaving to go shopping for groceries and wouldn't get off ( she was 16 years old ) We created the EC she has become I suppose . Because when I divorced her father , I stopped being the doormat she wanted me to be , with that being said , and her brother going to prison and my ignoring her demands I stop talking with him , she has become my EC .
I am almost at the point of not caring anymore too whether she wants to be a part of my life now . As MCJ says , there has to be some point it ends , the reaching out , only to hear nothing in return . But I can bet one thing , when Christmas time rolls around this year , she will be contacting me . She did last year . I spent well over 700.00 on her and the grandbabies . NOT this time around tho !!! That's a promise I make to myself !!
I said Im sorry if you feel I hurt you, Im sorry for anything Ive done that hurt you.....I get it, you are trying to unspoil her....yipes, that will be hard, I think we might be in the same boat.
My son was being mean to me and I said ONE RULE ....BE NICE
He sent me a text...
It said>>>>>>>>>>I will be nice when you 1- help me get transportation 2- help me get my own place.
I wanted to fall out. He has some emotional issues but its not enough that he cannot do these things.
The lies and temper tantrums were bad. I did give in sometimes.
But 5 years after losing baby Sarah, I stopped giving in IT WORE ME out....and has been a struggle.
YES< they have to stand on their own two feet.
You cant buy love.
Relationships start with talking.
But whoever is right or wrong doesn't matter in Gods eyes. we are only responsible for US.
She is not going to change unless she finds the Lord. Can you accept the way she is?
I get it shes a handful, it is going to take some tough love and time for her to grow up, but
I just mean no parent is perfect.
They need to feel without judgement, and acceptance of who they are, I think she probably feels
like a victim even if she isn't because of the others taking sides. She has a lot of growing up to do.
I would not give up on her, I would just let her know IF or WHEN she writes back that here is the BOUNDARY.
Don't cross it. I read about boundaries the excellent book off amazon, I got the cd, you and I need to understand how to communicate boundaries.
Ask God to forgive you for giving in and to guide you as to what HE would have you do, I didn't know the whole backstory, but she feels "entitled" and the reality check she is getting might humble her. Mom or not she will be a later bloomer than most. I hope I didn't offend you, it was just the forgiveness that frees us from our guilt, that's what I really mean...
Blessings,
Judy
Bottom line is I stopped letting her control me , I took back my own life from everyone and it didn't set well with her .. I got tired of being a doormat to her , and her father . I divorced him in 2003 because of stuff he was doing to me , and she began where he left off ...
She wanted me to stop speaking to her brother , whom is in prison for life . She wanted me to babysit my grand-daughter from almost birth till she was 6 months old , 7 days a week , and I worked at night , I refused and told her only 2 nights at a time ... she would bring my K on Monday morning and I wouldn't see her or speak to her till the next week sometimes and I had to pay for childcare ... when I told her she couldn't do that to me or K anymore , coz K needed her Mommie , she stopped me from ever keeping K anymore ...
Every time I ever set her a boundary she punished me with estrangement ...
I won't give up on her , I love her , she is my child , forever ... God will see me thru all this
yes , that saying hits me each time I don't get a response back ...
thank you for the encouragement and replies
I'm going to send a Thanksgiving card to my son, and maybe an email, if he hasn't blocked that form of communication. I'm also going to add my phone number to each.
Thank you for the encouragement.