I agree these things lead to real reconciliation. I would add repentance to that list, also.

MariaStevie, I can sense your pain in your post and can understand why most of the people on here would likely tend to agree with you.

However, I have a different view. I have raised my children. My job is done. It is now up to God to work in their lives. I do not expect remorse or humility. I do expect kindness and respect demonstrated toward me, however, I will not hold out until they admit to me the error of their ways. That may never happen.

I am responsible only for my own actions. I have apologized and demonstrated humility. They both understand I will no longer tolerate disrespect or abuse. That is all I need to do. Now the rest is between them and God.

My daughter and I are now enjoying a pleasant relationship. I am happy and I know it is better for her that we interact in a positive way. The past is the past. For me, all is forgiven and forgotten.

My son has not been able to reach the same point, but when he does reach out to me again (and I do believe he will), I will simply welcome him back into my life with open arms.

Humility must first come from us, balanced with strength.

Thank you for your responses. I agree Agrandmother, remorse and humility is their affair with God and treating family with kindness and respect is what we should require from them. There is the problem, if they aren't remorseful or humble and see no wrong in mistreating family - how can there be reconciliation. I wouldn't turn away my EC either, but I wouldn't welcome abuse.

I would never, ever trust either one of my EC. I have forgiven them but I am not needing a relationship with someone that treats me the way they have. I do not feel this would be what God would want me to do. I look to the Lord for discernment and guidance not to myself. Anything that comes between my relationship with God will just not happen, not ever. Sometimes a person can get caught up with what "appearance" it reflects to others. Until such time as I feel God leading me toward a reconciliation I will be content to leave things the way they are with our EC. A person just should not have a relationship with anyone unless there is first trust and respect. As far as EC humbling themselves before God and asking forgiveness....that is between them and God.....has nothing to do with me.

Yes, I understand what you are saying.

My daughter has never apologized to me, nor made any indication that she is remorseful. It's possible she simply does not have the emotional space to deal with these feelings right now. She is living her life. Possibly when her life slows down she might reflect and gain more insight into her own accountability, but for now she is just doing what young people do... living in the moment. And honestly, I am glad to see her happy. To open the can of worms called estrangement would not serve any purpose at the present time.

To everything there is a season.... this is not the season for that. That season may come at some time in the future, but it is not for me to force it.

Agrand......not sure how to say this, you are a very loving person to give her this 'chance' w/o telling her any boundaries. But you are not doing yourself any favors by dodging what needs to be said and it will come up, believe me....I have 'been there and done that' and also heard it from others. She is not accountable to anyone or anything. Sorry to say but we played that game for several years with our EC and didn't realize it, so blind we were riding around on the merry-go-round.

Eventually they would start the same thing up all over. They had NO respect and wanted the freedom to walk all over us and either we accepted it OR we walked away because they just plain did not care if we liked it or not.

I really wish she would not start it over with you and hate if you feel you have to walk on 'eggshells' for fear she will bolt off again....not worth it. Please guard your heart, you are such a kind person.

Yes, you are right to everything there is a season....but then a person can never postpone seasons......

Thank you for your comments, Bella. Each family is different. When my ex and I divorced my daughter lived with me and each time she stayed with her father it would take me a full week after she returned to re-establish the respect deserved as her mother. But, I did regain that respect and the household functioned well, and she has grown into a lovely woman. Since she has grown and moved out on her own that same negative influence has been in the background causing strife between us. I had to assert myself in some very.. and I mean very strong ways over the past few years. It was the same as when she'd return from a visit, but multiplied by 1,000. But, I did.

I believe she has developed a true respect for me and who I am, and what I have gone through. If I see any signs this is not the case I will tell her immediately.

Each of our situations are different, and each of us are different. For me, I am not able to function with hatred, anger, and conflict in my life. I need peace and harmony. With my daughter this has been achieved. My son still has not spoken to me and I have not seen 3 of my grandchildren in a year and a half. I'm focusing on the ground gained with my daughter and cherishing each moment I have with her. Life goes by very quickly. She deserves a relationship with her mother, and I deserve a relationship with my daughter. I'm not going to risk throwing that away out of stubbornness and a need to be right. With others in my life (one sister in particular) I have had to realize harmony will never be achieved, and have made the decision to shut her entirely out of my life for good... unless I receive a sincere apology and there is remorse on her part. The two situations are different. We each need to evaluate and decide what is best for us. When it comes to estrangement one size does not fit all.