CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
What happened? The what is speculative. I kept praying, I kept sending things for her and my grandson even after she told me to go away. She wanted no part of me. When I learned in November 2012 that she and her husband were going to have another baby and subsequently learned the baby would be a girl, I made beautiful blankets for the baby; bought toys and outfits....sent them with things for my grandson too.
Wondered if she would reach out to me when she had the baby. Knowing in my heart that I would have gone to help in the frozen northwest. Before the baby was born she wrote a long letter about how I had failed her and how her family had failed her. Distortions and untruths sent to her Grandfather.
But we, the family knew the truth. My father was enlightened...he knew. We as a family were hurt, but we prayed for her and their little family. We knew her thinking was way off. We didn't know why. We didn't know what to do but pray and reach out.
A little interaction here and there....a posting to her grandmother, a nice note to her grandfather....and then the emergency to get to the hospital for the early arrival of my GD in early May 2013. She came 5 days early...too early for her mother in law to get there right away. She spent time alone...just her and the new baby while her husband had to manage their son 2 years old....they live 40 miles from the hospital.
She didn't have the experience she had had two years earlier. I was there in FL when my GS was born. Arrived within hours after her call by plane. Rushing to be with her...bringing food and Starbuck's to the hospital, a cozy throw for her husband, taking care of their two dogs and cleaning their house....buying food and flowers to welcome her and my GS home. Being there for 10 days taking care of her...taking the nightshift so she could rest....doing and doing for her, for him and for my GS.
I learned of the baby's birth via a text message this time around. Before with my GS it was 'Mom when are you going to get here!'.....I immediately was thrilled that the baby was healthy and my daughter had come thru the c-section. I texted her back. Then the next morning, I called her room. She and I had not spoken to each other for 10 months.
Her MIL came and was there. My daughter had been estranged from her for two years....refusing to see her, speak to her, or have the in-laws to the house. All contact was between her husband and their child independent of her. His parents would stay in a hotel and my SIL would take the child to see them.
Her MIL is a Christian woman and went to MT to be there. I spoke to her after the trip for my GD's birth. She said my daughter could not have been nicer. She told me that my daughter had shown her the home made blankets I made out of love.... And that she was Proud of them.....another example of my daughter's changing heart?
Then came mother's day and she sent me a wish....I sent her one back. Then her birthday. I sent her a card and had previously sent her things that arrived two days before she had the baby..then 3 weeks after the baby's birth her husband had appendicitis and required emergency surgery..a life and death experience. He was in the hospital for two days I think. Oh my.
So what changed? She did. And then in late Nov 2013 she tells me they are coming to see my dad and want to see me...want me there to meet my new GD and see my GS.....give me their hotel saying I should get a room near theirs on the same floor. And from Dec 6-9 2013 I am there with them and we had a great time. We were at my dad's and visiting and I kept the children while they went out to dinner.
And everything was kept superficial in the sense the past stayed in the past. We focused on here and now...and the future.
I am invited to come whenever to MT. She wants me to come this May 2014 if possible for the GC's birthdays.
What happened? I can't be sure, but I didn't give up, and I prayed. I put it in god's hands. And I give him all praises. I am not the same person as I was before the estrangement. I am cautious.
I love all of them inspite of their trespasses toward me, I have no animosity toward them and that comes from the Lord. In all fairness without the Lord, I could not have forgiven them. They were so cruel to me.
However, I am thankful to have a relationship again. My daughter called me today to make sure I was alright and I do appreciate her concern. But she could be light years away from me way up in the NW. I am alone....on my own without the comfort of a loving daughter close by....something I a!ways had until she married.
I just wanted to share. And I must say the relationship being restored is because my daughter wants it for whatever reason. My emphasis has been and continues to be the now and future.
I do have a more superficial long distance relationship and that is fine. I have no interest in offering advice or delving into things....I am more than willing to give my opinion if asked. Am I walking on egg shells as the saying goes? No it doesn't feel like that. It feels different, but better..it feels real too.
I understand the tendency to repeat estrangement again and again....not something that I want to do. I think my daughter has come to a level of acknowledging the importance of family. I think the the interaction I continued to make ultimately softened her heart, as well as, the severe and isolated place she she is currently living in. I don't know if this opportunity would have happened if she lived in another place.
So we all have varying circumstances. I am the kind of person who sees a glass half full rather than half empty. So I am more optimistic than most but I am a realist. I can take what I have with gratitude and not diminish it by thinking what COULD have been. I accept what is. I live in the present not the past or the future, but NOW.
God bless all of you as you struggle. You have been a blessing for me. You have helped me through my dark days of sadness. You have given me a lesson in fortitude and self love. I believe you must love yourself in these very difficult times. After living a life of over giving, I have come to the place to take care of me....and that is a good thing to come out of a very bad thing called estrangement.
Wondered if she would reach out to me when she had the baby. Knowing in my heart that I would have gone to help in the frozen northwest. Before the baby was born she wrote a long letter about how I had failed her and how her family had failed her. Distortions and untruths sent to her Grandfather.
But we, the family knew the truth. My father was enlightened...he knew. We as a family were hurt, but we prayed for her and their little family. We knew her thinking was way off. We didn't know why. We didn't know what to do but pray and reach out.
A little interaction here and there....a posting to her grandmother, a nice note to her grandfather....and then the emergency to get to the hospital for the early arrival of my GD in early May 2013. She came 5 days early...too early for her mother in law to get there right away. She spent time alone...just her and the new baby while her husband had to manage their son 2 years old....they live 40 miles from the hospital.
She didn't have the experience she had had two years earlier. I was there in FL when my GS was born. Arrived within hours after her call by plane. Rushing to be with her...bringing food and Starbuck's to the hospital, a cozy throw for her husband, taking care of their two dogs and cleaning their house....buying food and flowers to welcome her and my GS home. Being there for 10 days taking care of her...taking the nightshift so she could rest....doing and doing for her, for him and for my GS.
I learned of the baby's birth via a text message this time around. Before with my GS it was 'Mom when are you going to get here!'.....I immediately was thrilled that the baby was healthy and my daughter had come thru the c-section. I texted her back. Then the next morning, I called her room. She and I had not spoken to each other for 10 months.
Her MIL came and was there. My daughter had been estranged from her for two years....refusing to see her, speak to her, or have the in-laws to the house. All contact was between her husband and their child independent of her. His parents would stay in a hotel and my SIL would take the child to see them.
Her MIL is a Christian woman and went to MT to be there. I spoke to her after the trip for my GD's birth. She said my daughter could not have been nicer. She told me that my daughter had shown her the home made blankets I made out of love.... And that she was Proud of them.....another example of my daughter's changing heart?
Then came mother's day and she sent me a wish....I sent her one back. Then her birthday. I sent her a card and had previously sent her things that arrived two days before she had the baby..then 3 weeks after the baby's birth her husband had appendicitis and required emergency surgery..a life and death experience. He was in the hospital for two days I think. Oh my.
So what changed? She did. And then in late Nov 2013 she tells me they are coming to see my dad and want to see me...want me there to meet my new GD and see my GS.....give me their hotel saying I should get a room near theirs on the same floor. And from Dec 6-9 2013 I am there with them and we had a great time. We were at my dad's and visiting and I kept the children while they went out to dinner.
And everything was kept superficial in the sense the past stayed in the past. We focused on here and now...and the future.
I am invited to come whenever to MT. She wants me to come this May 2014 if possible for the GC's birthdays.
What happened? I can't be sure, but I didn't give up, and I prayed. I put it in god's hands. And I give him all praises. I am not the same person as I was before the estrangement. I am cautious.
I love all of them inspite of their trespasses toward me, I have no animosity toward them and that comes from the Lord. In all fairness without the Lord, I could not have forgiven them. They were so cruel to me.
However, I am thankful to have a relationship again. My daughter called me today to make sure I was alright and I do appreciate her concern. But she could be light years away from me way up in the NW. I am alone....on my own without the comfort of a loving daughter close by....something I a!ways had until she married.
I just wanted to share. And I must say the relationship being restored is because my daughter wants it for whatever reason. My emphasis has been and continues to be the now and future.
I do have a more superficial long distance relationship and that is fine. I have no interest in offering advice or delving into things....I am more than willing to give my opinion if asked. Am I walking on egg shells as the saying goes? No it doesn't feel like that. It feels different, but better..it feels real too.
I understand the tendency to repeat estrangement again and again....not something that I want to do. I think my daughter has come to a level of acknowledging the importance of family. I think the the interaction I continued to make ultimately softened her heart, as well as, the severe and isolated place she she is currently living in. I don't know if this opportunity would have happened if she lived in another place.
So we all have varying circumstances. I am the kind of person who sees a glass half full rather than half empty. So I am more optimistic than most but I am a realist. I can take what I have with gratitude and not diminish it by thinking what COULD have been. I accept what is. I live in the present not the past or the future, but NOW.
God bless all of you as you struggle. You have been a blessing for me. You have helped me through my dark days of sadness. You have given me a lesson in fortitude and self love. I believe you must love yourself in these very difficult times. After living a life of over giving, I have come to the place to take care of me....and that is a good thing to come out of a very bad thing called estrangement.
Your testimony reminds me that I need to take one day and one circumstance at a time, trusting that God is going to work all this out in His time and for His glory.
Congratulations and best wishes for the future!
The other think thing that struck me was that it was less than a year that you were estranged from your daughter. Statistics do show that resolution come faster and easier if things are dealt with properly right from the beginning.
Sounds like you did all the right things.
I became estranged from my daughter in February 2012.
I will keep you posted on the progress of building a new relationship with my daughter. And again, she decided to reach back to me for whatever reason.
My ED isn't isolated. Her bf and his family are encouraging the estrangement. Still, God can do anything
Any effort on one's part to reconcile with an estranged loved one is compromised by the negative or disruptive interference from others. Stirring the pot so to say only intensifies and causes MORE disruption.
When my daughter acted in a manner inappropriate toward her in laws, I encouraged her to not show disrespect or rudeness. I did not encourage bad behavior.
Likewise members of my family and also my SIL's are of a shared mindset. So those actions of others to try and encourage reconciliation were Christian based and in love. My father and mother encouraged my daughter to recognize God's admonitions on showing respect and honor for your parents, the need to forgive, and the necessity of prayer.
I have been fortunate in not having the really horrid and negative actions of others sabotaging my efforts for reconciliation. In this I have been fortunate.
This is not always the case to be sure. The eroding gossip engine that spreads like ivy can only be stopped by patient silence on your part or not listening to it all. Feeding it only encourages more growth.
May I say this in all respect and humility, my daughter had to want to move forward. Now if there were all kinds of things being said back and forth, and contentions going on about who said or did what...we would have never gotten to square one.
I set the parameters sincerely with my family ..... that I and they loved my daughter, her husband and their baby. And I can say that all of us would welcome and embrace them in a second. We as a family did not condone bad behavior, but we still loved them.
The other thing is this....the injury done was to me. Yes I suffered from my daughter and SIL's bad behavior, not others in my family.
Now did my daughter use poor manners in not acknowledging gifts from myself and other family members? Yes, just within the last several months has she sent thank you notes and Christmas cards.
And has she been inconsiderate and rude at times? Yes and it was directed at me primarily.
She did something that was upsetting to her aunt; and upon learning of it, she immediately sent an apology of which her aunt decided to hold onto her hurt rather than accept her apology and get on with things. My sister's right to do. Again relationships built between people who chose how to proceed.
So there are circumstances that may not fit other situations. And like I said, my interest was not rehashing what was done by them in the past. I never realistically expected some kind of an apology. And besides I will never put myself in the same or similar situation that existed before, never.
So I just want to clarify. I am not dealing with a situation involving drugs or alcohol(something that can totally distort your loved one's perception); or theft; or violence.
Now my SIL has issues with perfectionism and OCD, but I can see that he is truly making efforts to control himself. I saw this during the visit in December 2013. My guess is having 2 children 2 years apart; dealing with the demands of a MT lifestyle in an isolated place; driving each day round trip of 84 miles for work; facing frozen pipes, a sick wife, and emergency surgery; not to mention car repairs and a frozen half mile driveway..... These things tend to put things in perspective. In fact when I saw them in Dec2013, I babysat both children so they could go out for a date night. It was the first time in Two Years they could go out together really.
So I hope I have given some scope to my current reconciliation in progress. My daughter and her family are precious to me, but I will never allow myself to be so vunderable again. I was far too trusting and believed in my daughter's goodness toward me. I accepted it. However, I have come to recognize that I love her way more than she loves me. And I can't really say if it has always been that way or changed when she changed. I just don't know and really ..... it doesn't really matter.
So as I said before I am cautious but happy to move forward. Putting one's life back together is a difficult task.
Praise God for His answers to prayer.