CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hello all,
I don't normally post if I'm emotional, but today has been very painful. I'm estranged from all three of my adult children, and it's mostly my own fault. I went thru a horrendous divorce a few years ago, and their father has always been filled with contempt for me and undermined my parenting during our marriage. Anyway, my 19 year old daughter began to get very rude and obnoxious toward me after our separation, and I told her to leave. She, in turn, told her bros and anyone else that I called her a "slut" and hated her. I never did that. I found out later her father was telling her he had never wanted the divorce, had been seeing me on the sly, "and other things I was lying about that had happened"....those were her words. It explained the rude behavior toward me, and we were later able to say "sorry" and I was able to tell her I never had spoken with her father, and none of what he had said was true. We are still somewhat on even terms , he gave her the silent treatment for awhile when we first separated and blamed me for it also, so she has seen some of who he is. However, during that time of my divorce, I don't know why I screamed at all of them at one point or another. It's no excuse, but I had lost my mother, had an emergency hysterectomy, and was fighting with my soon to be ex in court. I got my younger two thru school, and myself, but have ended up with nothing but broken pieces. Is there ever room for forgiveness? I have lost most of family thru death, my mom, dad, aunt, uncles I was close to over the years, and have no support system extended family. This has happened over the past 4 years. Now, I've lost my children and I have no hope or reason to go on. How does anyone do this...I am a believer, but it isn't God's fault that I am in this mess. Is there a reason I need to continue living?
I don't normally post if I'm emotional, but today has been very painful. I'm estranged from all three of my adult children, and it's mostly my own fault. I went thru a horrendous divorce a few years ago, and their father has always been filled with contempt for me and undermined my parenting during our marriage. Anyway, my 19 year old daughter began to get very rude and obnoxious toward me after our separation, and I told her to leave. She, in turn, told her bros and anyone else that I called her a "slut" and hated her. I never did that. I found out later her father was telling her he had never wanted the divorce, had been seeing me on the sly, "and other things I was lying about that had happened"....those were her words. It explained the rude behavior toward me, and we were later able to say "sorry" and I was able to tell her I never had spoken with her father, and none of what he had said was true. We are still somewhat on even terms , he gave her the silent treatment for awhile when we first separated and blamed me for it also, so she has seen some of who he is. However, during that time of my divorce, I don't know why I screamed at all of them at one point or another. It's no excuse, but I had lost my mother, had an emergency hysterectomy, and was fighting with my soon to be ex in court. I got my younger two thru school, and myself, but have ended up with nothing but broken pieces. Is there ever room for forgiveness? I have lost most of family thru death, my mom, dad, aunt, uncles I was close to over the years, and have no support system extended family. This has happened over the past 4 years. Now, I've lost my children and I have no hope or reason to go on. How does anyone do this...I am a believer, but it isn't God's fault that I am in this mess. Is there a reason I need to continue living?
Estrangement is not God's way. Love and forgiveness is God's way. We can confess to our EC what we know we have done and ask forgiveness. The acceptance of our being repentant is in their hands. We can not force it but we can pray one day that they will have softened hearts. God's Word wants no one to withhold forgiveness. He is our greatest example.
We pray in Faith believing that God can do ALL things. Please remember that you are valuable to God and to us. He will hold your hand through this storm.
I've said "sorry" so many times to my estranged family members, that my daughter (not estranged) has asked me to stop apologizing because we all make mistakes at one time or other and when love hears "sorry" there is usually relief in the form of forgiveness. I keep praying that God would bless our estranged family members with the sweet aroma of forgiveness...on both sides. Heaven only knows that it's the only path to peace for our hearts, minds and emotions.
God has forgiven us all..that's the beauty of His perfect love and acceptance. Yes..to repent and ask forgiveness, but to leave it at that. I don't think I need to say "sorry" anymore until I hear from them and hear their hearts of humility and their asking forgiveness from me also. God knows they've hurt me terribly.
May the Lord grant us peace this coming year. May we all embrace His forgiveness..His grace, which is ALL we need to keep living our lives and making a difference in the lives of others who could be hurting more than we are.
Hang in there...(((hugs)))
Maddie
Anyway, the FAULT I am responsible for I have repented of. I have asked for forgiveness from my son for he took the brunt of it. It was just recently that he told me it was done, forgotten and he wanted us to start on a clean slate. I haven't heard much since, but I have Faith of a mustard seed. I just forget it sometimes.
You read what you were told as to why you need to remain here. You are here until God is through with you. Those children will grow and realize they need you. And if they don't, you have a chance that their children will. If they repent and come to you, what if you weren't there? You are a loving mother and want your children. You can get through it. I haven't heard my sons voice for over 5 years now, but things are changing. Surround yourself with those who care for you. Church, work, volunteer. We aren't as alone as we think sometimes. What I almost forgot to add, I said that for over 4 years I have felt it was my fault. But I haven't spoken to my son for over 5. The time in between is the time that I have spent here. I came here when I realized I couldn't handle it anymore. These people made me see that Im not alone, its not all my fault and that YES, I need to stay here,this site yes, but also this world. God loves me, and He loves all of His children. Hold on to that. God blessings to you hon.
PS. I have recommended this book in the past: The Blessings of Brokenness by Charles Stanley. Its a must read for the broken among us.
I believe our children will accept us better if we are not broken and dependent upon their love beings. It is true that people tend to migrate towards positive energies, so maybe you can work on that part as I am desperately trying. I suggest working on getting stronger spiritually and emotionally and maybe even physically!
Glazzbird, needed to tell you I loved your post above. :)
Nana, so glad you are feeling better....I pray the infection has gone and you are healing. Ps: going to look into that book you mentioned.
By now, it appears that you have also gotten some words of encouragement and assurance from these caring men and women that havealso been down in that valley that you are in now and have been lifted out of it though our faith - weak at it has been at times.
If is good that you have had the courage to reach out and ask some very sincere the questions like..." Is there a reason I need to continue living? Let me say that, yes there is!
You are on somewhat even terms with your daughter and so this is good because you are not on a downhill slide but are moving forward. Give it time and focus on giving it your best shot at establishing a lasting relationship one day at a time.
You also asked...."Is there ever room for forgiveness?" There is always room for forgiveness but you don't say that you have asked for it for whatever you feel you are at fault for. Try writing a letter to them and apologize for your yelling at them as a start I would suggest. Don't focus on the things that were going on around you at the time - just how you feel that you could have handled the stress better than you say you did.
When it seems as though you have lost everything, there is only one way to go - UP! So, my friend, start climbing! There is bound to be some stumbling, some bruises and some falling flat on your face on the road to recovery but.... You can do it. Do you know the words to the Footprints in the Sand poem? Although the Footprints in the Sand Poem is not one particular bible verse it does help us to realize that God will never leave us but will carry us through our most darkest days. If you don't know the words, here they are....
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it: "Lord,
you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way".
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied: "My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you." ~~~ Mary Stevenson
Psalm 55:22 ~ Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
When you can learn to truly cast your cares over to the Lord I can attest to the fact that you will be able to have your despair turn to joy even through life's greatest challenges.
May God Bless you as you begin a new you!