God is in control. It's their lives. They are responsible for their own decisions.

I'll add to that, "the more you push them apart the more they'll determine to stay together.

I'll also add that my mother sobbed when my sister, at 19, married a man of 27 whom she had met only months earlier. My sister is now approximately 55, still happily married to that same man.

chocolate, Our ED is engaged. We know about it but from others and she did text me a few months ago to gloat. She does not desire any contact with us. Her bf and his mother do not encourage her to have family contact. The only thing I can do is pray against this relationship and I do. I do not believe it honors God when the couple (our ED) is ignoring parents.

God bless you and we will never give up hope in God.

I started the estrangement when I questioned if the bf of my ED was a Christian. I found out later that he hated me after he found that out. I'm not going to feel guilty though because as a mom I had the responsibility to talk to her about that.
My biggest question to you Chocolate Cat is how people are finding out that you don't agree with the marriage. That coversation should be between you and your son. Telling others isn't honoring your son. It's just going to make him more angry and want to prove you wrong by marrying her. If he's telling others what you said then that's something else. Depending on how close you are to that person like a best friend you can discuss why you feel like that, but otherwise I would just say it's between my son and I.

We only ever discussed this with our son. We asked him to please not tell people to contact us on this topic we just wanted it between him and us. Then he told his gf to write us, then she told us not to send our reply. It is a long story. No, we do not want to discuss this with anybody. He involved our parents by contacting them. Parents have all asked and we've told them. Other than that, it is just probably pretty obvious to the average friend on fb that we aren't "liking" their photos etc.

I just was looking for what you all tell yourselves to get through each day and each new layer knowing that nothing will probably change. We are praying fervently that it will, but as we can all see from this group, it often does not change.

We don't know the future. Something may change in 1 or the other either before or after marriage. I hate to see divorce, but even if it does happen lessons could be learned. I would pray that God would work on your son and his fiance.

My DH and I feel that if the marriage of our ED does take place that it will be rocky at best. I believe that even when we do not see it that God is working behind the scenes.

We were so concerned about our ES's marriage to a woman who suffers from NPD and didn't think much of "our" religion. She said she had her "own faith", etc. Very controlling. Made our ES chose between us and her. That was almost 7 years ago.

We tried emailing, calling, apologizing, etc., all to no avail. At first I was angry, crying all the time, and went through all the emotions, especially when I saw friends with their adult children enjoying each other. Now I pray that God will squeeze all the hate out of their hearts and replace it with love for Him and us.

God does now like waht our EC are doing, but He has given us free will. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you all. It feels like I am anticipating a much worse future, and the present hasn't been too fabulous either. Many of you are living this nightmare......the long extended years with so much discord. We already have that for 2/3 and now it seems like it will be 3/3 + a DIL. I am grateful to have you all who know that this isn't from something terrible we did. We did something pretty darn good in raising them and giving them so much for 12 years. I feel like we're looking at future decades of confusion and heart ache and being blamed for it. I just cannot imagine doing that to anybody let alone my parents or, in our ECs case, the people who adopted them out of poverty.
I am okay with our kids getting married and potentially divorced. I would never encourage them to do that once married though. We try to encourage all our friends to work things out rather than divorce. Of course, I totally understand them if they cannot work things out and do not judge them for divorcing. My problem is that our EC are going to make our lives miserable and punish us for their bad choices all along the way. They always find ways to blame us. I guess I'm just really tired of that. I can't imagine attending a wedding hoping until the very last "I do" that one will bow out. I cry at happy weddings, I know myself and I'll probably be sobbing the whole time. I don't even know if we'll be invited. Just feeling discouraged. Thanks for listening.

I think it is crucial to teach young people and children to not only claim Christianity, but to live it. And Christ said the most important commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul and might, and love others as yourself.
This concept works great when it is followed by both parties in any type of relationship, not only one sided. And the reason why I bring this up is because most parents don't want to control their child with who they choose to marry, but because they see something there and dear their child will experience pain. However, the child takes in no consideration to the parents feelings and likely knows and also sees the same problems, but yet thinks solely of themselves verses the negative impact it causes on the family.

Many people say you can't help who you fall in love with... but you also need to take into consideration that your selection will impact every single person in your circle.
Your spouse will be a son in law or daughter in law, a brother or sister in law, an aunt or uncle, or perhaps a step mother or father.
Each one of these relationships should be seriously taken into consideration. And if you disregard your families feelings if problems exist before marriage, you are knowingly inviting pain, hurt, separation, and many more problems into these people's lives.

I had a close older family member in our daily lives who choose a cold, cruel wife. He knew what she was, but considered only himself. As a child I faced criticism, badgering and abuse from her. Not only that, but she trained her children to do the same. To explain what they did to me is impossible. However, my pain led me to finding Christ, my purpose and helping others. His decision impacted my life, my parents', who kept 'forgiving' them, my husband, my child and his entire family. For people like this to say "it's my life and my choice and as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters" is a lie and amazingly selfish.

All I ever expected and still do is- to treat people the way I treat you. And at this point in my life and after the experiences I have faced, I have little tolerance for self serving people. I have forgiven them completely, but won't allow cycles to continue or accept that impact on my child or my family... I simply shake the dust off my feet and go forward. There are too many good people in this world who deserve my attention and focus.

P.S.

1 Corinthians 5:11 ESV
But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one

And my life story is why God said this. It not only effects you, but brings ongoing hurt and pain.
I also look at Christ for my example on how to accept people - He has REQUIREMENT. Ask Him to come into your heart and REPENT of your sins. Repent means to say your sorry for sinning /and/ to stop it. He did not say just accept me and it's okay to treat me and others badly, he had a requirement. So if it's right for Christ, it's right for me. To be "Christian" means to imitate him.

Comesu, you have shared much Biblical truth. I agree that if there are problems and red flags before a marriage that they should be heeded for everyone's sake. Parents have a lot a wisdom to share. Sadly, young people do not often want to hear it. Thus, many must learn the hard way. If only our EC would do things God's way. A lot of heartache would be spared. May they return as the prodigal did.

You probably are watching a "train wreck" but there is nothing you can do to stop it. We had an experience with our 2nd daughter about 20 years ago. My husband wanted to cut our daughter from our lives and I encouraged him not to do that. We did not like her choice, but we were as supportive as we could be. In the end they divorced 4 years and 3 children later. Our daughter wrote us a letter some time later thanking us for all we did for her during this time. Have no regrets about our decision so many years ago. Yes there currently is an estrangement with her and her sisters after their Dad died. But I would make the same decision again.

One day there will be healing between us. My love for them remains deep. My prayers are for them daily. God is in control not me.