Dear EJMA, I don't think it was a bad thing to do to friend your ED's SM. That sounds as if there is no animosity among the extended family. What I don't understand is your ED's reaction. Is she very young? And is she on FB with you? It sounds to me as if she doesn't want the extended family to get along but I could be mistaken. As weird as it is to me, I would be hesitant to do anything right now. Her Sibs may want to see her and you wouldn't want to interfere with that happening. Your 2 sons may help her see you in a different light and not a wicked person. Anyway those are my thoughts. God Bless.

If she see's you as evil, then why would she want to stay with you except to use you? I don't think you or any of us can sway our EC's hearts to see us in a different light. They seem only interested in vengeance for something we usually don't understand or know we even did to them. I've concluded it is all about emotional blackmail and I personally will not stoop to my ED's level to have a relationship with her and her narcopath husband anymore. The question I would ask is what YOU are capable of coping with. You want a relationship, but at what cost? Is it worth it? Is the pain of having no contact (by your choice) worse than the pain of enduring emotional abuse from an unforgiving and spiteful child? I couldn't tolerate anymore blackmail, so I cut my ED off at Christmas. I still miss her and cry and pray for her daily, but the pain isn't as intense as the roller-coaster of emotions I would go through with each small communication, where I would get my hopes up only to have them dashed again and again in a new and more painful way. Just my two cents.

Sally: she is 19. The animosity is strictly from daughter to me. Not towards my husband, or her sibs, or her SF. She is on FB, yes, but not with me. The only thing I can figure out is that she thought I'd try to 'sway' her SM over to 'my side' on the whole estrangement(on FB!?). It's very odd. She's made these little forays towards me these past weeks, but I am thinking a lot of that might have been to appease the relatives.

Rose: honestly, I am almost there. Until she stops bearing false witness against me, against my motives, anyway. Until the Lord breaks this spirit in her, I don't know that it is doing her much good for me to be in contact with her. I think it just helps the charade that everything is 'okay'.

I am trying to figure out what the Lord would have me do. Welcome any contact, with joy and thanksgiving(as I have thus far) or shake the dust off my feet, leaving her in His good hands to bring about or no.

EJMA, When you said she was 19 the immaturity made more sense. At this point, I would tend to ignore her immaturity and let the idea of befriending SM go. If your ED wants to visit I would allow it barring any disrespect or bad treatment she may bring. That would be unacceptable. Welcome her in peace and pray that God will use the time to bring healing and change. This is what I believe I would do.

God bless you.

Dear EJMA, I agree with lindajoan. she is young. Blessings

Well, SM and I have been conversing(through email, not FB), and I am so glad. She's given me some good insight into ED, and her life with them.

It is not all roses, for sure. ED doesn't like the 'big city', is very moody and they are about to lay down some pretty strict rules for her behaviour in their house. SM said that this is bound to make me 'not the only bad guy' to ED.

She also said not to give up on ED, that she really just wants me to see her as an adult, etc.

It's been very good to talk with her, and is a real blessing from God. I think the reason why ED was so against me befriending her SM is because we would EACH find out the other isn't quite what ED made us out to be to the other.

She told me to contact her for any updates, and that together we will see this girl TO adulthood. When you have mom and stepmom together, that's a pretty powerful force.

Praise God for this report. It shows all of us that God is always working behind the scenes and not always in the way we expect.

I agree linda. Mysterious ways of our Lord. He raises opportunities that we don't often see and act on.

Honestly, this has only come about by a very real working of God on the heart of SM and myself.

Two years ago I wouldn't have thought this was likely. We weren't bitter enemies or anything, but we were suspicious of each other. I dare say that this wouldn't have happened but FOR the estrangement.

What man meant for evil(the estrangement), God meant for good.

Great that you and step mom are forging a good relationship. It will make it much more difficult for your dtr to pull tricks and "divide and conquer".

Praise for a good report. Praying for continuing peace.

I would not friend her....It just makes too many complications....the more people mixed up in the mess the worse it will get.....better to stay out of your ex's new life and focus on your own life...try to make your life better in any way you can..they always say success is the best revenge......so be as successful as you possibly can and try not to involve too many others into your EC situation....that is just my humble opinion.....

Well, this isn't about revenge, but healing. We are all, sadly, mixed up in the mess. As much as we'd like to not be in our ex's life, when you share children, that just isn't possible.

SM decided to add me back as friend, saying that she thought about it and didn't want ED to be calling the shots, and that it would be a good witness to the healing power of Jesus, in our lives. I quite agree! ED will likely come out of this somewhere down the line, and both her SM and myself will rejoice together when she does. :D