Dear Sitto, I totally understand and can relate. Our ED has allowed no contact with her for the past 8 months. It is like living in a nightmare. DH and I have been on a constant roller coaster of emotions. I have not been the same with family and friends due to these emotions. It is exhausting. I don't know what I would do without God's help each day. He is in control of everything. Let's all keep each other in prayer. God bless you.

I can completely relate! I find myself crying at the most inappropriate times and places. On top of everything today my son had to appear in court as a witness to a fight at school. We were right down the street from the Aurora mall...I could see it out the courtroom windows. I had just been told by my mom that my ED told her that "she couldn't deal with the stress of seeing me right then". I began to cry hysterically. The courtroom staff was very kind, and just figured I was upset about the shooting...even a police officer told me that she had gone home from what happened and cried all afternoon. And that was part of it...but it was mostly due to my ED, her pure selfishness and black heart.

Without a doubt, during the early stages of estrangement I was the most sensitive to any negativity from anyone. Even a wrong look would get me questioning myself and every comment I made, I questioned whether or not it was taken as it was intended to be or if it was misunderstood. I was so afraid that anything I said was going to ruin another relationship or prevent a new one from developing. Because of being so sensitive, I crawled into a hole and kept myself from the public as well as extended family - what little I had left of it. If anyone said anything to me, even if they were wrong, I did not question it - I just believed what they were saying about me was true, even if it wasn't. I was just automatically wrong. After all, my own son turned against me so therefore I must be at fault is the way I saw myself. It took a long time for me to see things as they really were and to begin to know when someone being rude to me, was the one at fault and not me.

Sitto, please do not be so hard on yourself. What you are going through is a traumatic experience. Even Jesus felt great sadness to the point he wept of the rejection of the very people he came to earth to help. Your emotions are out of whack. Give yourself the time to recover from the emotional trauma this estrangement is causing you to react this way. Apologize where necessary and then let it go.

I agree with everyone here..my emotions were especially extreme at the beginning. Even on very mundane daily activities such as walking my dog, I would be crying, tears running down my face...and all I was doing, was taking my dog for a walk! I was trying everything to keep my mind off my broken relationship and trying not to think about being a new grandmother..I love babies so much, that it hurts to even see other people's babies at the park or anywhere. It was and still is, taking it's toll physically, but I continue to pray and ask God to heal my broken emotions. Thankfully today, after almost 9 months, my emotions are more stable, but the deep pain is still there. August will be particularly difficult because my son will be having his birthday, and last year we missed him because he wouldn't make arrangements with us to see him.
Questions in my heart/mind are: Is he missing us?? (my husband, and two other adult children..his siblings)
Why doesn't he care about us anymore?? Does he remember how much we love him?? Why won't he let us share his life now?? How could he keep his child from knowing us?? How does he forget the first 25 years of his life?? These questions will forever go unanswered, unless he decides to open his heart and mind up to having us a part of his life again. Many of you also have similar questions for your estranged adult children. I've decided to stop asking questions in my mind, and only let God answer any questions I may have, because God is the only One who can truly bring about healing to my heart.
Cry if you must my dear friends, I believe that tears are healing. So, I never apologize for crying when I need to. He sees every tear, and they will never go unnoticed by God. Tears also indicate a tender heart.
Maybe I will start to worry if my heart turns to stone and I can't cry anymore..but until eternity comes, there will be tears..no more tears with God in heaven, but for now I let the tears flow when I need them to. The flow of tears is less every day, but still there. Even Jesus cried, the shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept." found in the book of John, chapter 11 verse 35. For those tears He died, for you, for me, for the entire world.
Crying along with you dear friends, Maddie

Just want to clarify about the crying and apologizing. I would never suggest that anyone ever apologize for shedding tears over this tragedy that strikes at the very center of our emotions. When I said; "Apologize where necessary" I was thinking about the episode with the rude man and how sometimes I myself would react to rude behavior and say something sarcastic when I should not have reacted to (usually DH) that way. We are all human and say inappropriate things and a simple apology releases us from adding more guilt to our already hurting selves.

Estrangement is so devastating and especially at the beginning when the wounds are so new. We never get used to this but as with any grief, there are many stages and we do go back and forth and eventually come to a type of strange of acceptance - not that we have really accepted it but that there is nothing we can do to change it except pray and totally turn it over to God. Don 't be impatient or hard on yourself. We need to cry and let those tears begin to heal us. It takes time to move forward and no two people are exactly the same. Your feelings are normal so be kind to yourself. Keep steadfast in prayer and the good Lord is with you feeling your pain. His loving arms will embrace you and keep you in His care. Yes, there are so many questions, so much guilt and insecurity. How could our DC reject us since we didn't raise our child to turn away from us and treat anyone this way let alone the parent who loves them with all we have. I thought I was going out of my mind and would end up in a psych ward. This group I feel saved my life. The love, care and concern helps tremendously. We are here for you and do understand. Each of us has our own life situation or story but we are all going through tremendous pain which will always be part of us. But the people here are unique since we can share our pain and the others here truly understand. This group will be here to help in any way we can and it helps so much. We have been estranged from our son for 11 months now. It still hurts beyond words and I still shed tears frequently. We need to be ourselves and let ourselves feel the pain. Guilt is a strong feeling but we need to realize it is our EC who made these decisions not us. We can not control our EC - only they can make these terrible decisions. We can only control ourselves and what we do. The rest is up to God. My DH told me something in the beginning that I think about often. We strive to make sense out of this but it isn't possible because we can 't make sense out of nonsense. Our EC are not making any sense and acting totally irrational. I have learned much from the people here and you will too. May the good Lord be with you and guide every step. Remember "Footprints in the Sand ". The Lord does carry us. Hugs

Thanks to everyone who truly understands what I am going through. I am so grateful that I found this place to unload to folks who are going through the same pain. I know that our Lord will see us all through this to the other side.