CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hello, everyone! I have not written for a while, although I have been reading your posts. I wanted to share something that has recently happened with my ES and DIL. Praise God that we have been back in touch, and have even visited them and our two precious granddaughters in CA. We visited recently, and had a few things that happened while we were there.
1: On the first morning we were there, my son had to go to work, and my DIL was visiting with us while we played with the baby. She showed us the one-year birthday party invitations she was working on (hand-made ladybug invitations with photos of the baby and details about the christening and birthday party). She said they were really just keepsakes, as everyone who was coming had already been personally invited. (We had not....). The christening/party were this past weekend (3/9/14), and our visit was the weekend of 2/14/14. We live in GA, so the trip out requires effort and financial commitment from us, all very worthwhile of course. My spring break from work (I am a school nurse) is the week of 3/9, so we could easily have made our plans to visit to be there for this special event; however, we were not invited or told of the event. Even after proudly showing us the hand-made invitations, there was no mention of inviting us, or even of sending us the invitation.
2. We brought gifts and sent books and clothes ahead to be opened with the girls when we were there. However, several times I asked the 4-yr-old if she would like to look at them with me, and she would say, "NO!" Once she even said, "I don't want any Nanny clothes!" (even though I had even sent links to her mom asking her to choose the clothes.) I told my husband that I would consider just taking the unopened packages back home with me, if she hadn't opened them before I left. I was showing my granddaughter and DIL a couple of clothes I had brought with me, and my DIL went in and brought out the Easter dresses she had already purchased without finishing looking at what i had brought. Finally the morning we were packing to leave, my husband said how Nanny would love to see her open the packages, and my DIL brought the girls down to try on the clothes.
3. My DIL's estranged brother (who lives one hour away) had called her the day we arrived, and asked if he could come and bring 2 friends to crash in their home on the way to the airport on the second night we were there. My DIL kept saying she apologized, but "it is the RIGHT thing to do." (In my head, I was thinking about how seldom we are allowed to visit, and about how she could have kindly said to him she'd love to see him, she would love to make plans for him to visit, etc., but this weekend was not a good time since her husband's parents were visiting from far away). He showed up the middle of the afternoon the second day we were there, slept overnight with his friends, and left mid-morning on our second morning. (we were there from Thursday PM through Monday afternoon, as our DIL usually indicates she is ready for us to leave if we stay longer than 3 days). It was clear who is the priority for her: her family.
4. On Saturday AM when we were all relaxing drinking coffee, my DIL announced that they would be visiting my mother and my brother and his wife in Asheville NC for Easter (my brother lives 2 miles away, but hasn't been incontact with me since my dad's funeral 2 yrs ago). My mother recently moved into a retirement facility, but my brother has control of the estate from my dad, as well as keeping my parents' beautiful home in Asheville. My DIL said they will be staying there with my brother and his family, and my brother will be arranging a car for them to use. They said it is too hard to travel with the girls so will be visiting asheville only, instead of visiting me in Atlanta. My DIL said "what is there to do in Atlanta anyway?" Also, my DIL said, I know the family dynamics are awkward (with my brother), but we would love for you to come. We would even pay for a hotel for you." We still have not heard details of trip (when they are arriving, etc.) from either them or my brother. However, my brother showed up at my work one day at noon, and asked me to sign over my dad's car title to my mother (my brother, mother, and I were on title, altho I have heard no details regarding my da'ds will except my brother is executor). He didn't explain why, even when I asked why now? I know the reason is he is getting the car ready for my son's visit in April, but he wasn't honest enough to tell me about that - my brother and sister-in-law are sort of "usurping" my role with my son and DIL, and my DIL is very impressed by the status of their beach home, their elegant home here in Atlanta (my home and cars are more modest, which is fine with me), my sister-in-law's gourmet cooking (DIL is also a gourmet cook), and my brother's expensive car collection. I felt hurt that I had some point I hadn't been included in the plans and extended an invitation before it was all finalized. My DIL kept saying they don't find it easy to travel with the girls; however, they are planning a trip to Seattle, to San Deigo, to MI to visit her parents, and they went to MI for Christmas, then drove 4 hours the day after they arrived to her brother's time share condo, they traveled to NYC for a week, they have traveled to London, etc.
In other words, the reconciliation is positive in that I got to see my granddaughters, and I was thrilled to see my son; however, the hurtful things seem pretty overwhelming, and I have felt a great weight and pain in my chest since return from the trip. Would these things be hurtful to others?
1: On the first morning we were there, my son had to go to work, and my DIL was visiting with us while we played with the baby. She showed us the one-year birthday party invitations she was working on (hand-made ladybug invitations with photos of the baby and details about the christening and birthday party). She said they were really just keepsakes, as everyone who was coming had already been personally invited. (We had not....). The christening/party were this past weekend (3/9/14), and our visit was the weekend of 2/14/14. We live in GA, so the trip out requires effort and financial commitment from us, all very worthwhile of course. My spring break from work (I am a school nurse) is the week of 3/9, so we could easily have made our plans to visit to be there for this special event; however, we were not invited or told of the event. Even after proudly showing us the hand-made invitations, there was no mention of inviting us, or even of sending us the invitation.
2. We brought gifts and sent books and clothes ahead to be opened with the girls when we were there. However, several times I asked the 4-yr-old if she would like to look at them with me, and she would say, "NO!" Once she even said, "I don't want any Nanny clothes!" (even though I had even sent links to her mom asking her to choose the clothes.) I told my husband that I would consider just taking the unopened packages back home with me, if she hadn't opened them before I left. I was showing my granddaughter and DIL a couple of clothes I had brought with me, and my DIL went in and brought out the Easter dresses she had already purchased without finishing looking at what i had brought. Finally the morning we were packing to leave, my husband said how Nanny would love to see her open the packages, and my DIL brought the girls down to try on the clothes.
3. My DIL's estranged brother (who lives one hour away) had called her the day we arrived, and asked if he could come and bring 2 friends to crash in their home on the way to the airport on the second night we were there. My DIL kept saying she apologized, but "it is the RIGHT thing to do." (In my head, I was thinking about how seldom we are allowed to visit, and about how she could have kindly said to him she'd love to see him, she would love to make plans for him to visit, etc., but this weekend was not a good time since her husband's parents were visiting from far away). He showed up the middle of the afternoon the second day we were there, slept overnight with his friends, and left mid-morning on our second morning. (we were there from Thursday PM through Monday afternoon, as our DIL usually indicates she is ready for us to leave if we stay longer than 3 days). It was clear who is the priority for her: her family.
4. On Saturday AM when we were all relaxing drinking coffee, my DIL announced that they would be visiting my mother and my brother and his wife in Asheville NC for Easter (my brother lives 2 miles away, but hasn't been incontact with me since my dad's funeral 2 yrs ago). My mother recently moved into a retirement facility, but my brother has control of the estate from my dad, as well as keeping my parents' beautiful home in Asheville. My DIL said they will be staying there with my brother and his family, and my brother will be arranging a car for them to use. They said it is too hard to travel with the girls so will be visiting asheville only, instead of visiting me in Atlanta. My DIL said "what is there to do in Atlanta anyway?" Also, my DIL said, I know the family dynamics are awkward (with my brother), but we would love for you to come. We would even pay for a hotel for you." We still have not heard details of trip (when they are arriving, etc.) from either them or my brother. However, my brother showed up at my work one day at noon, and asked me to sign over my dad's car title to my mother (my brother, mother, and I were on title, altho I have heard no details regarding my da'ds will except my brother is executor). He didn't explain why, even when I asked why now? I know the reason is he is getting the car ready for my son's visit in April, but he wasn't honest enough to tell me about that - my brother and sister-in-law are sort of "usurping" my role with my son and DIL, and my DIL is very impressed by the status of their beach home, their elegant home here in Atlanta (my home and cars are more modest, which is fine with me), my sister-in-law's gourmet cooking (DIL is also a gourmet cook), and my brother's expensive car collection. I felt hurt that I had some point I hadn't been included in the plans and extended an invitation before it was all finalized. My DIL kept saying they don't find it easy to travel with the girls; however, they are planning a trip to Seattle, to San Deigo, to MI to visit her parents, and they went to MI for Christmas, then drove 4 hours the day after they arrived to her brother's time share condo, they traveled to NYC for a week, they have traveled to London, etc.
In other words, the reconciliation is positive in that I got to see my granddaughters, and I was thrilled to see my son; however, the hurtful things seem pretty overwhelming, and I have felt a great weight and pain in my chest since return from the trip. Would these things be hurtful to others?
I personally feel that way a lot...none of the things taken as just one thing are terribly hurtful and could be overlooked...but they add up one after another andthe pain is as great as if it was just one big thing....
And then I ask myself...does anyone care...really??? for me...in my family and extended family...I know for sure ED does not as I have heard only silence for over 2 years.
I have a sister who has done the exact same thing as your brother with my ED.
AllK
My Ed's father and any bimbo he is married to or dating are invited to their home regularly. So is SIL's family
We are just the babysitters who pick up GS from his school or daycare, take him somewhere and return him to same. Last Christmas Eve we returned GS to his father in a parking lot 4 miles from their house
So yes I know how you feel. We moved out West. Just became exasperated with the whole situation
We always got excuses like you do about it was so far for them to travel to see us. (5 hours max). Then we found out both Ed and SIL both come to Atlanta on business
Hard to wrap our head around someone just "putting up with you" and not being appreciated
We won't ask anymore
Such a shame about the Ashville trip but nothing to do in Atlanta. I have heard all that nonsense so many times. I really just walked away
Your DIL told you she and your son would love to see you and your husband...and would pay for a hotel room for you both in Asheville...so it would appear that she or your son maybe had spoken with your brother ...and then realized there were some issues and stated so. But still wants to see you.
Saying what is there to do in Atlanta appears rude....while they travel all over the country... Why not Atlanta? However, to tell you they want to see you, be with you, and are prepared to pay for your accommodations says they want to see you.
This is not complete disinterest. The door is opened. And how much could be accomplished within your family's estrangement ....your brother,your mother, you and your son...not to mention seeing your precious grandchildren and your son.
I understand you want more. And as a grandmother and mother of your adult son, you deserve more. However, this is an opportunity for improving the family dynamics and your DIL wants you to come.
You seem to be loving and caring, and with the strength of prayer you can continue to show those qualities even when you may feel put upon by circumstances.
I faced a similar situation....and I went with my intentions to be loving and putting the past in the past, with the goal to move forward. Seeing my daughter, her husband, my GS 2.5 and GD 7 months, my dad and his companion after almost 2 years was wonderful. I met my new GD and saw my GS who did not remember me.
However, we enjoyed a happy time. And of course there were moments when I refused to succumb to negativity, rather I embraced the moment. And it has been a blessing.
I am in touch with my daughter on a regular basis, on all their fb's sharing, and she has told me I am welcome to come anytime for a visit. We just talked about the GD'snew bedroom linen....a theme that my daughter wanted my opinion on.
I would love to go to MT for a visit, but will consider going in the fall. Or maybe TG before the winter gets really bad. I just don't know.
It is different than our relationship was before. But it is growing and I think it will improve I am living now and looking forward to the future.
May the Lord bless you.
Prayers for you all.
But I would never condone or tolerate any level of abuse and that certainly includes verbal. If my daughter or SIL or any family member treated me to such abuse,
I would not stand for that.
If what you describe is a pattern of verbal abuse indicative of your deceased father being carried on by your brother, that is inappropriate and he should be told the next time he acts inappropriately to stop verbally abusing you. Period.
I do not accept or condone verbal abuse which includes name calling, the use of vulgar language, insults, and such. I do not consider disliking someone and acting polite as abusive.
So the conflict with your brother is separate from your son and his family. No if you must tolerate verbal abuse from your brother in order to see your son and his wife, I would not see them with him around.
But I would deal with my brother independently and tell him to stop. That is me...not you.
And if my ED and her husband were abusive to me now or in the future, I would not tolerate it and there would be no relationship.
As for me, there are certain situations I will not put myself in. Period.
In general, I think the best thing to do in order to keep peace in the family is to ignore the pettiness of their rude behaviors and don't let them build up to the point it keeps getting bigger and bigger. Otherwise, what you do have now may disappear in the future.
As far as them not traveling to you goes, they may feel as though traveling from CA to NC is enough effort on their part and that a 3.5 hour drive from Atlanta to NC is not an unreasonable thing to ask. It does not sound like they are doing things to deliberately exclude you and if it were me, I would be jumping for joy for just an hours time with my grandkids.
When things were good with our family, we would drive from NH to VA (a 500 mile trip) for Christmas. We stayed at a hotel and our non-estranged son and DIL would invite us to a family gathering at her brother's house to spend some time with her family during the weekend before Christmas. (It was their usual family tradition to do that). We were delighted to go and they always made us feel welcome. We allowed them to live their life the way they wanted to and allowed them to decide what things they wanted to do and when they wanted to do them - as long as we were not unreasonably being ignored for the brief time we were there.