CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hello, everyone! I have not written for a while, although I have been reading your posts. I wanted to share something that has recently happened with my ES and DIL. Praise God that we have been back in touch, and have even visited them and our two precious granddaughters in CA. We visited recently, and had a few things that happened while we were there.
1: On the first morning we were there, my son had to go to work, and my DIL was visiting with us while we played with the baby. She showed us the one-year birthday party invitations she was working on (hand-made ladybug invitations with photos of the baby and details about the christening and birthday party). She said they were really just keepsakes, as everyone who was coming had already been personally invited. (We had not....). The christening/party were this past weekend (3/9/14), and our visit was the weekend of 2/14/14. We live in GA, so the trip out requires effort and financial commitment from us, all very worthwhile of course. My spring break from work (I am a school nurse) is the week of 3/9, so we could easily have made our plans to visit to be there for this special event; however, we were not invited or told of the event. Even after proudly showing us the hand-made invitations, there was no mention of inviting us, or even of sending us the invitation.
2. We brought gifts and sent books and clothes ahead to be opened with the girls when we were there. However, several times I asked the 4-yr-old if she would like to look at them with me, and she would say, "NO!" Once she even said, "I don't want any Nanny clothes!" (even though I had even sent links to her mom asking her to choose the clothes.) I told my husband that I would consider just taking the unopened packages back home with me, if she hadn't opened them before I left. I was showing my granddaughter and DIL a couple of clothes I had brought with me, and my DIL went in and brought out the Easter dresses she had already purchased without finishing looking at what i had brought. Finally the morning we were packing to leave, my husband said how Nanny would love to see her open the packages, and my DIL brought the girls down to try on the clothes.
3. My DIL's estranged brother (who lives one hour away) had called her the day we arrived, and asked if he could come and bring 2 friends to crash in their home on the way to the airport on the second night we were there. My DIL kept saying she apologized, but "it is the RIGHT thing to do." (In my head, I was thinking about how seldom we are allowed to visit, and about how she could have kindly said to him she'd love to see him, she would love to make plans for him to visit, etc., but this weekend was not a good time since her husband's parents were visiting from far away). He showed up the middle of the afternoon the second day we were there, slept overnight with his friends, and left mid-morning on our second morning. (we were there from Thursday PM through Monday afternoon, as our DIL usually indicates she is ready for us to leave if we stay longer than 3 days). It was clear who is the priority for her: her family.
4. On Saturday AM when we were all relaxing drinking coffee, my DIL announced that they would be visiting my mother and my brother and his wife in Asheville NC for Easter (my brother lives 2 miles away, but hasn't been incontact with me since my dad's funeral 2 yrs ago). My mother recently moved into a retirement facility, but my brother has control of the estate from my dad, as well as keeping my parents' beautiful home in Asheville. My DIL said they will be staying there with my brother and his family, and my brother will be arranging a car for them to use. They said it is too hard to travel with the girls so will be visiting asheville only, instead of visiting me in Atlanta. My DIL said "what is there to do in Atlanta anyway?" Also, my DIL said, I know the family dynamics are awkward (with my brother), but we would love for you to come. We would even pay for a hotel for you." We still have not heard details of trip (when they are arriving, etc.) from either them or my brother. However, my brother showed up at my work one day at noon, and asked me to sign over my dad's car title to my mother (my brother, mother, and I were on title, altho I have heard no details regarding my da'ds will except my brother is executor). He didn't explain why, even when I asked why now? I know the reason is he is getting the car ready for my son's visit in April, but he wasn't honest enough to tell me about that - my brother and sister-in-law are sort of "usurping" my role with my son and DIL, and my DIL is very impressed by the status of their beach home, their elegant home here in Atlanta (my home and cars are more modest, which is fine with me), my sister-in-law's gourmet cooking (DIL is also a gourmet cook), and my brother's expensive car collection. I felt hurt that I had some point I hadn't been included in the plans and extended an invitation before it was all finalized. My DIL kept saying they don't find it easy to travel with the girls; however, they are planning a trip to Seattle, to San Deigo, to MI to visit her parents, and they went to MI for Christmas, then drove 4 hours the day after they arrived to her brother's time share condo, they traveled to NYC for a week, they have traveled to London, etc.
In other words, the reconciliation is positive in that I got to see my granddaughters, and I was thrilled to see my son; however, the hurtful things seem pretty overwhelming, and I have felt a great weight and pain in my chest since return from the trip. Would these things be hurtful to others?
1: On the first morning we were there, my son had to go to work, and my DIL was visiting with us while we played with the baby. She showed us the one-year birthday party invitations she was working on (hand-made ladybug invitations with photos of the baby and details about the christening and birthday party). She said they were really just keepsakes, as everyone who was coming had already been personally invited. (We had not....). The christening/party were this past weekend (3/9/14), and our visit was the weekend of 2/14/14. We live in GA, so the trip out requires effort and financial commitment from us, all very worthwhile of course. My spring break from work (I am a school nurse) is the week of 3/9, so we could easily have made our plans to visit to be there for this special event; however, we were not invited or told of the event. Even after proudly showing us the hand-made invitations, there was no mention of inviting us, or even of sending us the invitation.
2. We brought gifts and sent books and clothes ahead to be opened with the girls when we were there. However, several times I asked the 4-yr-old if she would like to look at them with me, and she would say, "NO!" Once she even said, "I don't want any Nanny clothes!" (even though I had even sent links to her mom asking her to choose the clothes.) I told my husband that I would consider just taking the unopened packages back home with me, if she hadn't opened them before I left. I was showing my granddaughter and DIL a couple of clothes I had brought with me, and my DIL went in and brought out the Easter dresses she had already purchased without finishing looking at what i had brought. Finally the morning we were packing to leave, my husband said how Nanny would love to see her open the packages, and my DIL brought the girls down to try on the clothes.
3. My DIL's estranged brother (who lives one hour away) had called her the day we arrived, and asked if he could come and bring 2 friends to crash in their home on the way to the airport on the second night we were there. My DIL kept saying she apologized, but "it is the RIGHT thing to do." (In my head, I was thinking about how seldom we are allowed to visit, and about how she could have kindly said to him she'd love to see him, she would love to make plans for him to visit, etc., but this weekend was not a good time since her husband's parents were visiting from far away). He showed up the middle of the afternoon the second day we were there, slept overnight with his friends, and left mid-morning on our second morning. (we were there from Thursday PM through Monday afternoon, as our DIL usually indicates she is ready for us to leave if we stay longer than 3 days). It was clear who is the priority for her: her family.
4. On Saturday AM when we were all relaxing drinking coffee, my DIL announced that they would be visiting my mother and my brother and his wife in Asheville NC for Easter (my brother lives 2 miles away, but hasn't been incontact with me since my dad's funeral 2 yrs ago). My mother recently moved into a retirement facility, but my brother has control of the estate from my dad, as well as keeping my parents' beautiful home in Asheville. My DIL said they will be staying there with my brother and his family, and my brother will be arranging a car for them to use. They said it is too hard to travel with the girls so will be visiting asheville only, instead of visiting me in Atlanta. My DIL said "what is there to do in Atlanta anyway?" Also, my DIL said, I know the family dynamics are awkward (with my brother), but we would love for you to come. We would even pay for a hotel for you." We still have not heard details of trip (when they are arriving, etc.) from either them or my brother. However, my brother showed up at my work one day at noon, and asked me to sign over my dad's car title to my mother (my brother, mother, and I were on title, altho I have heard no details regarding my da'ds will except my brother is executor). He didn't explain why, even when I asked why now? I know the reason is he is getting the car ready for my son's visit in April, but he wasn't honest enough to tell me about that - my brother and sister-in-law are sort of "usurping" my role with my son and DIL, and my DIL is very impressed by the status of their beach home, their elegant home here in Atlanta (my home and cars are more modest, which is fine with me), my sister-in-law's gourmet cooking (DIL is also a gourmet cook), and my brother's expensive car collection. I felt hurt that I had some point I hadn't been included in the plans and extended an invitation before it was all finalized. My DIL kept saying they don't find it easy to travel with the girls; however, they are planning a trip to Seattle, to San Deigo, to MI to visit her parents, and they went to MI for Christmas, then drove 4 hours the day after they arrived to her brother's time share condo, they traveled to NYC for a week, they have traveled to London, etc.
In other words, the reconciliation is positive in that I got to see my granddaughters, and I was thrilled to see my son; however, the hurtful things seem pretty overwhelming, and I have felt a great weight and pain in my chest since return from the trip. Would these things be hurtful to others?
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