Dear Angel, that must have been so painful, and I am so sorry. my estrangement started with an email from my daughter out of the blue saying she needed some space and she wouldn't be in contact for a while. I wrote one email back saying many of the same things you just told your son, with no response. I truly had NO idea what was going on...we were best of friends! It wasn't until a few weeks later and some counseling that I realized my sil had been sabotaging our relationship. I didn't write again, but tried sending gifts to the kids for birthdays a couple of months later...that eventually prompted one more email, my last communication with her, telling me she didn't want to involve the children and I wasn't respecting her request. That last email was, I think at least in part, written by my sil..she seemed confused and inconsistent. My counselor advised me not to discuss any of my SIL's actions because she was "in bed with him", so to speak, so I simply wrote back that I wouldn't send any more gifts. It was so sad and hurtful...but I knew if I pushed I would just push her away.

All this to say that, as hard as this is to hear, I think you have to let him have his space. Hopefully someday he will realize what's really going on...but you got to tell him you love him, and now I think you don't have any choice but to let go. You can, of course, pray for him...but I found I couldn't keep begging God to bring her back or I would go insane, literally. When I thought of her I said a quick prayer and pushed her out of my mind. I lost her and five grandchildren who were my whole life...I thought I would die of a broken heart. But I didn't...and it got a little easier over time.

I know it must seem impossible, but you have to step back and respect his requests. (((Hugs)))

I wanted to add that on the advice of others here and my other daughter, I sent my ED a short email a few days ago expressing my concern at the trial she is going through with her husband' s impending death. I made it very clear that I wasn't going to push her but I wanted her to know i was here for her if she needed anything. It is exceptional circumstance, or I would never have written...

It is almost unthinkable to cut communications with someone we love so much. Believe me, I fully understand. We all do...as someone here said, we are a family of broken hearts. There is always hope that something will change as long as there is life! But I found I couldn't keep looking for and dreaming about it and still care for the rest of my family. I truly had to give it to God and leave it there. It didn't happen overnight...it was a long process, and even longer finding some measure of peace with it.

Thank you. I know there is nothing else I can do now but give it completely to God. I have a wonderful husband and daughter and am going to focus on God and them. I will still pray for him, but I won't spend the rest of my life letting this steal my Joy. God Bless!

That's exactly what I had to do, too. Hardest thing I have EVER done in my life! But you aren't alone...and there can still be joy :-) Yesterday, for some reason, I actually felt happy...I know it sounds odd, but I don't remember feeling that happy for a very long time, and couldn't completely explain why! But it's still there, behind the clouds, and when it peeks out I really appreciate it :-)

Blessings to you!

Oh wow angelfaith4u, what an absolute heartbreak to have your ES talk to you that way! I'm so sorry. Even I could feel his cutting and disrespectful words stinging me, so I know it hurt you to the core. What I surmise is that you have a very rebellious son with a hidden agenda he doesn't want you to know about and wishes to live a lifestyle you would not approve of. He is sowing his wild oats and wants you, his concerned and caring mother out of his life so he can do whatever he wishes. Since I don't know the history of your son, perhaps your DH has been the passive one and busy with his job and you have been the obvious more dominant one who is monitoring your son's activities closer while trying to guide his future. Your ES feels threatened and simply has dismissed you out of his life while not sharing what the real circumstances or issues are. I dare say at age 18, he is wishing his total independence. It's easier to boot his mom out of his life and not disclose his future plans than confront what the real issues are. Throughout his texting, he would not come clean and say what's really going on, avoiding it at all cost. This clearly reveals he is trying to hide something, is in denial and refuses to convey what is actually going on. He's going around Robin Hood's Barn as the expression goes.

If your ES chooses to walk away and cancel you and DH out of his life, both you and DH need to agree together to stand strong as a married couple and decide that if and when ES gets into a financial fix and returns back suddenly needing quick help as in $$$, the two of you should have already agreed you will not help him that way period. ES walked out with an attitude and wanted to be the big independent man and now he can face reality and the consequences and buck up to it on his lonesome. Do not bail him out under any conditions! He will never learn if you enable and help him this way. He will show up for only $$$ and use you both, then leave as soon as he came like a revolving door. Please be assured once you allow him to set that pattern, he will repeat this behavior and continue causing you both more upset and heartbreak. It isn't worth it! If your ES needs money, there are plenty of armed services branches where he can sign up to serve while being independent, growing up and maturing on his own without mom and dad around, only sergeants! Let him go! This may be the very thing which may help turn his life around. Use tough love while still offering your love and support. Never consider giving ES $$$ after his mistreatment. Continue to lift ES to the throne of God in prayer, but totally release ES into our Father's care. You cannot do anymore than that...totally release, pray and wait. That's what I'm having to do personally with my married ED. It was a tough decision, but it has worked best to help me cope daily. MY ED was bogging me down emotionally where I could hardly stand to function normally. Since I detached and let her go, I don't have that burden weighing me down. My prodigal girl has to come back home to me and I'll be waiting for her with open arms and love.

I agree...I believe that's part of the reason for his estrangement. After he moved out the only time he called or came around was when he wanted money or his Xbox or other things. We refused to give into his demands and even changed the licks on the doors so he could not just come and go as he pleased taking whatever he wanted. Unfortunately, the grandparents give into his every want and desire and let him do whatever he wants for fear of him cutting them off and also for the guilt they have from their poor parenting of their own deceased son. Their son was an alcoholic, which eventually caused his demise. My SIL let's my son drink at her house because she likes to be the "cool" aunt. So, I'm sure he is well on his way to becoming an alcoholic like his father and grandmother. We don't drink or allow alcohol in our home. I know first hand the destructiveness of it. We met with the grandparents shortly after he moved out to discuss this issue because we found out he had been drinking and smoking pot, but they took the defensive and tried to say we were trying to turn them against him. They said he was a young man....not a child and he was going to try things. My response was, "so, you are saying this behavior is ok?!?" They admitted that taking him into their home was wrong but said they didn't care.

Angelfaith,

I am so terribly sorry for your suffering.

You son has chosen.

He has told you to leave him alone. He has no compassion, empathy, concern or feelings for what he is putting you through...period.

In fact he is on the cuspid of "calling" you a stalker from his perspective. Ready to find any means to block your interaction with him.

There is no two way communication between you and your son. Anything you offer right now is a one sided relationship because he is not there. You must back off and let him be. Anything else you do right now will only enrage him; and give him more excuses to AVOID you...as horrid as that is to say.

Space and time....give him both.

A little later on you can reach out with an invitation to a family dinner or picnic or something to try to include him, but that must come later.

I would assume asking him to explain his actions to you is a confrontational request that he is unwilling to address. So flight or fight are his choices. You don't want to add to the caustic atmosphere, so remove yourself....for now.

I pray the Lord helps you thru through this difficult time.

Claudiajane

By the way, if he is involved with alcohol and drugs, his thinking is all wrong too. So keep in mind when you consider this situation with your son, he is under the influence and it has clearly affected his brain.

So give yourself a break when considering why he is doing and saying CRAZY things. He is incapable of thinking straight.

His enablers, his paternal grandparents, are weak and suffering. They know they are not handling things appropriately. They know better, but cannot help themselves.

I am sure they have so much misery over the loss of their son. As difficult as it may be, please include them in your prayers.

You know the truly hardest thing to do is to love one's enemy. That is almost impossible, but the Lord expects that of us. How easy it is to love those we adore, but to think of offering love or even a prayer for an enemy seems like a complete impossibility!!!

Very sad for you indeed. Estrangement is sad. It is not God's way. Our ED has not wanted contact with DH or I or any of the extended family for 18 months.

We did not cause it and we can not change it. Only God can. We can pray for our EC.

God bless you and each one of us, here, especially as Father's Day is approaching.