Dear Kathysau; You state that love is 'unconditional' but you, your DH and your ED all have conditions or expectations of each other that you want met before you can love each other again. No relationship with an estranged child will ever be as it was before the estrangement. Why? because whatever was going on before is what led to the estrangement.
You are correct, it will never be the same again. But are you ready to let go completely?

Hi Kathy, IMHO the title of your thread says it all. If you and your husband are unhappy and feeling uncomfy and fear continued abuse, only the two of you will know when it's time to let go.

To me it sounds like your daughter is more concerned with tearing the two of you apart rather then having a healthy and loving relationship with both of you. While she seems to be reaping love and attention on your husband, she seems to be shutting you out. My guess is her goals aren't the same as yours and I'm just happy for you and your husband to be sticking together and putting up a united front. I'm skeptical of what your daughter is trying to accomplish and my heart goes out to you! I'm very familiar with all members of the family being accepted except for one. It's just a way to further isolate your main target and it's a very painful game. You have my hugs and you're in my prayers.

Kathy, we can never go back in time and we can only take things as they are in the present. It may be a slow process with you needing to pray for patience each step of the way. God will lead you a step at a time. Reconciliation is a process. Your ED may be feeling her way,also.

I like what your DH said about how your EC must have a relationship with both of you. That is so important and is the Biblical way. Relationships of all kinds take effort and work. God will give you His strength. Please take things slowly and remember that only God can change our EC.

God bless you with His peace. We care. We understand.

Kathy, it sounds like your oldest ED is still trying to hurt you and punish you. That's no kind of reconciliation. It also sounds like she is on a power trip by shunning you when you were pouring your heart out to her and pleading with her not to be estranged again because the pain was too great. Right now I bet she thinks she is the one in control and calling the shots, including trying to put a wedge between you and your DH. I am glad your DH is not accepting that kind of destructive, devious behavior.

I hope and pray that she will make more of an effort to reconcile and start showing you more respect and love. Otherwise it will just be a painful merry-go-round for you and your DH.

Since when do children - grown or not - get to present lists of what the parent must say, do, and be in order to be able to share their presence.

Requests here and there, in a normal relationship, are fine. These demands and lists as prerequisites to a relationship, no.

Accepting one parent and rejecting the other, double no.

We are not children for them to mold to their satisfaction. It isn't even possible. We are good people accepted by others, with no need to alter our personalities to suit the requirements of one person. A person we raised!

So sorry to hear how much you are hurting. Our estranged children just don't understand how much they can hurt our hearts. I'm glad your dear husband is reminder her that you are both worthy of respect and that he is supporting you and telling your daughter that she should treat you both equally well.

Keep your faith..never stop praying for her.

Kathy, I would discuss things with your husband and let him ask her questions like "how can you say that you love me and miss me when you go out of your way to hurt the one person who means the most to me and should mean more to you than she does, your mother?" He may have an opportunity to prick her conscience concerning you. At least he has a chance to be heard by her and ask her things you can't. I think many of our children blame us, the mother, and think they can manipulate our husbands. Mine has done the same thing. My DH has told our ED several times when she has tried the same thing with him that he doesn't believe her when she says she loves him. He is part of me and you can't love only half a person. The irony in our situation is that it's our ED's husband (a narcopath) who uses her to demand that I have a good relationship with him before I can have a relationship with my own daughter, but she has regularly tried to have a "good" relationship with my husband while shutting me out. Double standard. These kids are really mixed up and need to be held accountable.

Everyone has given great advice. Never ever let a child, adult especially, come between any of us and our dear husbands. That is not God's way.

You have your priorities right when your DH said it must be a reconciliation for all and she must love you too. Love is unconditional but I don't think it should accept abuse. In her own way that is what she is doing to you. I agree with everyone on here. She is trying to separate you and your husband because she feels empowered. I think that is what most of our EC feel - empowered. Could you possibly get her to go to counseling and all 3 of you work together? Just a thought. My heart breaks for you. She offers your DH an olive branch but not you. Truly wrong and your DH is truly right. God bless and prayers for you

Kathysau, bravo that your dh is standing by your side as he should. It sounds like divide and conquer what she is doing. I see that the love is unconditional as is mine toward my kids but there are conditions on what behavior will be accepted from these kids or others.

Could it be that she feels she can communicate with her father better right now? I would have him talk to her and find out what her grievences are and try and be a mediator. I would be fine if my ED would only talk to her father and not me as long as he remained loyal and didn't take sides. At least my ED would have someone to talk to that would present reason. Right now she only talks to her bf and his family who support this estrangement. I don't know what they told them that would cause them to do it. Must be a bunch of lies. It's been 2 years now that anyone on her side of the family has spoken to her. When all you hear for that long that you're doing the right thing it can convince you it's true.

I agree,feeling. We have a similar story and timing. God bless you.