CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Just thinking about whether or not if makes a difference if we stop doing our part to try to restore our relationship with our estranged children. Calls, emails, letters, cards for b-days,invitations for holiday gatherings. What happens when we stop doing these things? Some of you have stopped. What happened when you did? Did it really matter or make any difference in what your EC did? Did it restore your relationship?
I'm starting to feel that all of the effort I have made hasn't made one bit of difference. I know Dr. Coleman and other "experts" say that parents should never give up, but I think that when we do keep on doing no matter how much we are ignored, we are just reinforcing the estrangement - giving it power and maybe making them think it is ok to treat us this way. Obviously, what we do on our end to try to restore things doesn't work, unless they really want the restoration. And you know what? If they really and truly want us in their lives, they would be doing and keep on doing
I'm starting to feel that all of the effort I have made hasn't made one bit of difference. I know Dr. Coleman and other "experts" say that parents should never give up, but I think that when we do keep on doing no matter how much we are ignored, we are just reinforcing the estrangement - giving it power and maybe making them think it is ok to treat us this way. Obviously, what we do on our end to try to restore things doesn't work, unless they really want the restoration. And you know what? If they really and truly want us in their lives, they would be doing and keep on doing
Right now I am in the "perhaps a good balance between the two" might be good. I know how my mom used to treat her ES, my brother. She always send cards to everyone of us for our birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and even Thanksgiving. It didn't amount to a hill of beans with my brother that live 15 minutes from her. My sister who was "semi-estranged" sent cards and flowers for her birthday but would not visit her. Yet, she would visit her DH's mother who lived in the very same building!
anymore. She wanted to move on with her life and NOT have to think about US. It was VERY difficult on that first birthday not to send a card with a Target gift card inside. We don't even know where she lives only
where she works. So we sent it to her work. That's when she asked us not to do it anymore.
My heart is sad BUT I know that I can't spend my whole life wishing for things I don't have. I also know
the Lord is in control here. Our ED is running my God not us. So until she is ready to face our Lord we
honor her wishes and leave things as they are.
I have never lost hope for my hope has been and always will be in Christ.
Since I don't hear from her, in my heart I still have room to cherish her. I would like to add, that my first year was the worst for me during the estrangement. I did not always feel like this. I had to toil and snare and sweat many days and nights with strong emotions and feelings that were so overwhelming. I did go through a period of anger. Just pure anger. I had to plow through that anger in order to come to the place I am now.
Yet tomorrow is another day! And who knows what could happen. I always hope for a good day. And I am glad God has shown me that I am not alone!
In closing, I think its ok to buy stuff for our ED's and wait for that day to give it to them when they are ready to receive, even 'til the day I die, it will be given then.
Pretty Deep stuff huh?...feeling like that tonight.
Hugs,
Pearl
- What happens when we stop doing these things? I've been on DS long enough now to have seen different reactions when parents stop reaching out. I think different personalities, situations cause people to react in several ways. They can get concerned that you no longer care for them and they will then initiate a contact of some sort. Or they are grateful that the parents reaching out stopped so they don't have to feel guilty about their behavior.
- Some of you have stopped. What happened when you did? For me, my DIL was grateful I think. For my son, I believe in my heart that he truly missed the contact (and still does) minimal as it was and is.
- Did it really matter or make any difference in what your EC did? No. I think there was relief that they didn't have to deal with the problems they created that caused the estrangement in the first place.
- Did it restore your relationship? No. It is my DIL that will never allow it to happen without divine intervention.