CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Helpless thoughts/memories....I think we have more in common than you'd ever believe. In home private stuff bad enough, but the public knocking around and humiliations as other people stood around helpless to intervene, pretending it wasn't happening, and with us kids having sickly looking crumpled Charlie Brown lopsided grins on our wretched faces looking to escape and wait for the public room to return to normal conversation (as Mama seemed oblivious that she'd just been a show-stopper, LOL) entirely too familiar.
My brothers (3) and I talked privately to each other. A lot. INterestingly we did not "rat" Mama's private shennanigans to Dad...so (here we go with your perspective thingie) we errantly believed he Knew All and must condone it. He was ignorant. And, she DID impress on Dad that we were A:LL horrible lil' heathen liars so IF we ever started to tell something....she'd literally GASP and decry it didn't happen and we were horrid LIARS.
We sibs just exchanged knowing looks and comforted one another as best we could. NO one would have believed it up the Sunday School Superintendent who privately told us it was myths and SCIENCE was The Answer. Although as the Lookin' Good Family Of OverAchievers....we showed up weekly and at youth group stuff.
I had about ten years SO BAD that they were supressed memories. I could remember nothing and told people who asked me as an adult, "Guess life was so boring I had nothing worth remembering." No, what was there was sooooo bad that God took it away for many years.
It about killed me when the suppressed memories came back. Stuff NO ONE in their right mind would want to believe was real. Sounded like the stuff of False Memories. For several years of recovery...because i have an MKI Ultra type memory from the abuse ()if you know what that means) it was DVDs in my mind got shoved in the slot ahd Play was hit often against MY will but I knew it was God's - time to face it.
Any time a really hideous event returned...I knew WHO was present...where...and I always checked with those present to get valoidation that oh YEAH, they recalled it, too.
Up until early 40s Mama treated me miserably long distance. I kept visits RARE to protect my kids from her who talked about how she hated me, and sometimes took it out on them...why? I said because they were mine AND looked like ME. (And I looked like her - now I know she had extreme self-hatred hidden beneath perfectionism and also the about 15 multi-alters.
Just as I have chosen not to deal with my eldest daughter (who I have said is like having Mama in the Old Days arisen from the grave to torment) I concluded i DID NOT have to accept such treatment from a parent. (As some EC's clearly in some situations have also chosen to do.)
There's a thing called "confrontation". I did that in 1993. I was due to go on a speaking engagement for library fundraisers, at schools, etc. in the old region. It had
My brothers (3) and I talked privately to each other. A lot. INterestingly we did not "rat" Mama's private shennanigans to Dad...so (here we go with your perspective thingie) we errantly believed he Knew All and must condone it. He was ignorant. And, she DID impress on Dad that we were A:LL horrible lil' heathen liars so IF we ever started to tell something....she'd literally GASP and decry it didn't happen and we were horrid LIARS.
We sibs just exchanged knowing looks and comforted one another as best we could. NO one would have believed it up the Sunday School Superintendent who privately told us it was myths and SCIENCE was The Answer. Although as the Lookin' Good Family Of OverAchievers....we showed up weekly and at youth group stuff.
I had about ten years SO BAD that they were supressed memories. I could remember nothing and told people who asked me as an adult, "Guess life was so boring I had nothing worth remembering." No, what was there was sooooo bad that God took it away for many years.
It about killed me when the suppressed memories came back. Stuff NO ONE in their right mind would want to believe was real. Sounded like the stuff of False Memories. For several years of recovery...because i have an MKI Ultra type memory from the abuse ()if you know what that means) it was DVDs in my mind got shoved in the slot ahd Play was hit often against MY will but I knew it was God's - time to face it.
Any time a really hideous event returned...I knew WHO was present...where...and I always checked with those present to get valoidation that oh YEAH, they recalled it, too.
Up until early 40s Mama treated me miserably long distance. I kept visits RARE to protect my kids from her who talked about how she hated me, and sometimes took it out on them...why? I said because they were mine AND looked like ME. (And I looked like her - now I know she had extreme self-hatred hidden beneath perfectionism and also the about 15 multi-alters.
Just as I have chosen not to deal with my eldest daughter (who I have said is like having Mama in the Old Days arisen from the grave to torment) I concluded i DID NOT have to accept such treatment from a parent. (As some EC's clearly in some situations have also chosen to do.)
There's a thing called "confrontation". I did that in 1993. I was due to go on a speaking engagement for library fundraisers, at schools, etc. in the old region. It had
I did it anyway.
I took a childhood friend from the Pacific Rim in the US
My eldest girl and I were testies until she became involved with the fellow she married. I'd always gotten along with her prior boyfriends, and she'd bring college kids home for huge weekend sleepovers. It infuriated her that her college kids stayed my friends...hahaha.
So, I know what it IS from both sides of the street. John Bradshaw has a name for some treatments of others: soul murder. Once when reearching a true crime book I went to Death Row and even laid eyes on John Wayne Gacy. As I told people, :"Death Row is an interesting place to visit. But ya don't wanna live there.":
I do not have to let myself be condemned to family death as I feel like i've sometimes done nonstop CPR to keep it going for the last 20 years. The governor did away with the Death Penalty in IL...well I can FIRE the family judge/jury/executioner.
The stuff my eldest rails on about is about as valid as if I had screamed at my mother, "Your insteps were too high! Abnormally arched!" (God made her that way.)
Confrontations CAN be good if they are valid, done with honesty, and when you do it are aware If IT DOESN'T WORK OUT... you are estranged/banished. Fortunately at the time my brothers assured me they would stand by me and would would be wise enough not to get embroiled.
It was good for all of us.
I sense (right or wrong) you are actually a guy. I used to counsel victims of sexual abuse...I seemed to get assigned the guys. Their stories were the most heartbreaking. And humiliation by parents of the guys I think is even worse than for girls.
I hope you find peace. Maybe the Lord sent you here, kinda like a skunk at a garden party, hahahaha, because He figured you'd actually get some help here.
Best to you discerner...and to everyone.
BTW "discern" has always been a favorite root word for me...we NEED to discern.